My home is my castle...

Well, we have found a house! While we were out looking for a rental, which was VERY frustrating because everything we could afford was a dump, or instantly rented, our old landlord called and asked us if we wanted our old house back. The tenant that moved in was being transferred and the house was coming available. At first, we thought we might not take it, but after some calculating, we decided it was a smart move for us to move back in. We know the good's and bad's of the house, we know what the bills are, we know and like the area, and the house has everything we need (though we would like more square footage). The landlord is even giving us a few weeks free rent and paying for materials to let us do some work on the property! Woohoo!

So, we're moving back into our old house, who would've thought that was even possible?
We are planning on building Victoria a bed to go in her room...and we are VERY excited about this! I'll just post a photo of our INSPIRATION (not sure exactly what our plans are yet) and you'll see why...I mean, who wouldn't want a bed this cool as a kid??!?!?!?! This way we can also give her the pink and girly stuff she wants without having pepto-bismol walls...lol.




On another note, I had 8 vials of blood taken today and took my first injection of a different fertility drug (Gonal-F) today. It's a much higher dosage than what I was before and that makes me a bit nervous. Last time I developed a cyst instead of any mature follicles. The doctor is hoping for me to get 3-6 follicles matured. I pray that this works....



Oh yeah, and Miah is in his new unit now and he seems to like it. They sound like they will be doing a lot of training over the next year and probably deploying next February. It kind of scares me, but I know he is ready to go.

It's been awhile...

It's been a long time since I've written anything on here and there are no good excuses for it...just lots of poor ones.
Let's see....we moved to Ft. Benning, GA for several months and lived with my wonderful Aunt and cousins while Jeremiah went through some training. Once he was done there, we were re-stationed up to North Carolina. Now, we are here, and while we were looking for rentals which was turning out to be quite a stressful and daunting task, our old landlord called us to let us know our old house was coming available, so we will be moving back into our old house soon. Jeremiah is in his first real unit since re-joining the Army because he has been in training for the last several years and we are hoping that he enjoys it and that it is a good move for him. We will know in time.
Victoria has grown like a little weed, but still skinny as ever. She FINALLY hit 30lbs! She is such a hoot! She dresses herself now...today, a santa claus red dress with white fur trim, pink (and other colored) tights, pink and black snowboots, and bows and flowers COVERING her head...she loves her Barbies and to paint. You can't stop her from singing or talking all day long (gee...wonder where she gets that from?!?). She still takes naps (Thank GOD!) and sleeps great through the night...even though she is on a futon in the living room until we move into our house. One day she wants long hair and the next she wants it short, but she will not let me put a brush to it without a fight and definitely won't let me put it in a ponytail. She LOVES her friends and missed them so much! Now she misses my Aunt and cousins and Grandparents's (just saw them at Christmas...so it's still fresh). She has a sassy little attitude sometimes, but for the most part is sweet and polite. She has a fantastic imagination and is forever pretending something. She won't leave Bailey alone, even after our constant threats and pleas and even a few warning nips from Bailey. I kind of wish she were a little more fearful/respectful of dogs after having 19 stitches in her face from a dog bit, but no....you would never even know she was ever bit! She had a pretty bad black-eye from sledding recently and thought it was the coolest thing ever!
Ok, said enough for now...life is interrupting this thought, yet again!

Infertility Ettiquette

I saw this online today and thought wow...this is almost EXACTLY how I feel.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
(A few quotes from the article are included in my blog.)

I say almost because I do have a daughter, whom I love more than anything, so I do not know the full extent of the pain that so many women must feel. My heart goes out to the women who have never (and will never) have the chance to hold their own baby in their arms.

" The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. " Each and every month infertile couples (including myself & my husband) go through this wave of emotions...allowing ourselves to think that this may be the month, "trying" over and over again, waiting an agonizing few weeks, praying and trying to enjoy ourselves, and then being hit by the grief all over again. It's a vicious emotional cycle, all the while, EVERYONE around you seems to be pregnant or having babies...

"Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. "
You can't help but to "try" when it's been this long of trying...you can't just "relax"...you can't NOT think about fertility 24/7...it's hard not to let it consume your life and you. I try sooooo hard not to make it the topic of every conversation with my husband, friends, and family. Have you ever wanted something...a car...so bad that you see it everywhere...you can picture yourself in it, you can smell the leather, you test drive it, you crave seeing yourself in it permanently...it's kind of like that...EVERY month, every day...

"You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards."
Then don't tell me to be happy with what I have and to stop trying. Don't try to minimize my pain be telling me 2 kids is harder than 1. I know that having 2 children will be more difficult than one, but it will be rewarding also. I have had A LOT of time to think about having a 2nd child and I am pretty sure I know a lot of the pros and cons.

"I understand...that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. "
I WISH I had your problems. I have watched so many of you go from 1 baby to more...I have seen all of your Facebook announcements telling everyone of your great news, then weeks later talking about how sick you are, how you can't take cold meds, how you are hormonal, craving things, nesting, having contractions, in labor, and in the end...you're the one holding a beautiful new baby. It hurts. Each and every time, it hurts...I don't want it to, but it does. I want to be mean and say things like "I'm glad you're sick!" or "I wish I had your problem"...I don't expect you to not say anything, I'm glad for you (most of the time), and I don't think you need to edit your generic Facebook thoughts just for me (or people like me), but don't complain to me saying "Well, at least you don't have to deal with morning sickness"

"If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. "
I have never had trouble holding someone's new baby, but only because I have worked myself up to it before I got there...I have cried so many tears by that point that I am pretty sure I won't cry while holding your baby and I will cry more tears at the end of the day while I am alone.

I do not feel like this all day, every day, but infertility is a consuming problem for me and for most women. As a woman, it makes me feel like a failure...I am made to make babies, right? So why can't I? I have ALWAYS wanted 3 babies...and I'm praying that still happens.

Well...a lot has changed since the last time I wrote...I realized what an absolute whiner I was being last time...wow...

Anyhow...let's see...we have moved. We now live near Ft. Benning, GA. On the day that Jeremiah was supposed to sign into his new unit, he got a phone call and apparently some new orders. That day, we found out we had less than 2 weeks to move down to Benning with no idea how long we will be here. Luckily my Aunt and Uncle live near the base and Victoria and I are staying with them. So, we packed the whole house up, said goodbye to our friends, and moved our butts down South again. This trailer was pulled behind the biggest box truck we could find, plus we had my truck and the Bronco filled up with stuff! Whew! Almost as soon as we were unpacked (into storage garages), Jeremiah reported to his company and Victoria and I went down to DisneyWorld with some friends. We have now lived here about 3 weeks and we're settling in just fine.

Disney World was AWESOME!! I had no idea what to expect. It was my first time ever going and I was in for a bit of a shock, but it was wonderful. There were some very long days, some very stressful moments, some frustrations, sweat, and tears, but we saw so much, met several characters, took lots of photos, rode some rides, and saw some shows. It really was great. Taking a 3 year old was pretty amazing because everything was so real for her. She would run up to me after seeing the characters saying "Mommy, they really ARE real!!"...the picture here says it all!



I am one class away from my Associates degree and am moving right into the Bachelor's program for my Business degree with a specialization in Advertising. I am a bit nervous, but I know it will be a good thing in the long run.

My aunt and uncle (and cousins) have been so gracious to us. They have given us so much to stay here and have been so wonderful with all of us. Right now we are all still trying to figure out what goes where and that kind of thing, but I can not complain. The food, company, and hospitality have been wonderful!

Victoria and I have been sick the last 2 weeks...started out as Strep throat for me (she was on antibiotics to keep her from getting it) and then ended up with a head/chest cold that is finally dwindling away (I hope!). Now Victoria has been fevery and hasn't been eating well today and yesterday so I am praying that it goes away quickly.

She has been sleeping in my bed which bothers me...I don't want this to become a habit, but not sure how I'm going to stop it. There isn't room for her bed here, but I think I can go get her mattress and put it on the floor and make a little sleeping pallet up for her. I would really like to be able to stop this before it becomes something I will regret later (although I'm soaking up the loves and kisses while I can!!).

On my to and from Disney, I was able to stop at my BFF's house and hang out with her and her beautiful babies! It was wonderful to be able to love on both Abbigail and Caine and it was awesome to be able to hang out with my bestie. :) I miss her already, but it's nice being so close!!

Let's see...other than that...not much has changed. Still having fertility issues, but not able to do much about it at the moment. The only thing I can think of to do is to lose weight and I'm doing that...

So, I'm working on it...still haven't even started exercising yet, so I need to add that in to eating right and I think I'll see even more weight drop off. It has been a good change and a surprising one. I know that I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with my daughter and not much more than I weighed when I got married...almost 10 years later, can't complain! :)

Prayers are always appreciated for everything in our life...I will try to keep everyone updated! :)

It's hard to keep your hopes up when nothing goes right...

I am so tired and frustrated with always being the positive person...there are so many things I am learning I have absolutely NO control over, so what's the point. Maybe I should just be a bitch...maybe not.

You know...after doing daily injections, you start to add hope to hopelessness and you expect that SOMETHING will work...well, apparently not for me. I don't know what step is next, but at this moment, I am feeling quite hopeless and frustrated and annoyed and hurt and devastated and pissed off and a multitude of other negative feelings...

You add that to the fact that Jeremiah doesn't seem to be able to get anything he was wanted or needed out of the military so far (NOTHING seems to be going right there, either) and it's just been a SHITTY week.

On a different note, my birthday weekend was fun. Thank you to my friends and hubby for making it so. :) I guess I can still get drunk for a while...

Shots for my birthday!!

I will definitely be doing shots for my birthday...two different kinds...

Needle shots in my tummy daily (more fertility drugs) and the liquor kind (maybe not shots, and maybe not daily, but I will be drinking). Dammit...I'm turning 30 tomorrow...I can do what I want.

I think most people set up goals for themselves in life to hit by certain timelines...I hit several of mine by this age, but not nearly all. I am very happily married with a beautiful daughter and a good life, so I can't complain much. I am still going to college, but am just a few months from an associates degree and moving right into my Bachelor's program. Still not quite sure what I want to focus on in the Bachelor's program, but I have a few ideas. I did not hit my weight goal, but I did lose some weight...it would help if I added an exercise program into eating better, but it's a start. Other goals I had I have no control over what-so-ever, thus the belly shots, and that's ok for now...

Anyhow...we are planning on going out for my birthday on Saturday night...to Hibatchi and then maybe to a bar or two. Still need a babysitter to do this, since the babysitter I had in mind backed out... :( Some of my friends and I are going to party and dance our arses off even if Bailey watches Victoria.

Been busy with my princess recently...we had a princess tea party, have been going swimming, to the splash pad, got her haircut, and just playing around the house. She had her 3 year wellness exam...doing just fine. She LOVES playing on my old computer. She has a video game that she knows how to load and play and it's pretty impressive to watch her figure it out.

I also went and had my hair done...added some stop-sign red highlights into it. :) I am sure I'll get some photos up here soon.

Well....looks like we'll be staying in North Carolina a while. Time to call the Realtor, renew the lease, and start painting this house. I want to tear down some wallpaper and get some color up on these walls.

Ok, got to feed the kiddo (and myself!).

Been kinda out of it...

I don't know what to write about...I have been through some stuff lately...obviously some fertility stuff, plus some military family stuff, lots of homework, and some mom's group stuff.

I feel like I'm constantly frustrated or annoyed about something and I feel so bad for my daughter and husband.

I have been busy with Victoria too though and have enjoyed that. We went to White Lake Water Park in Elizabethtown, NC this past Monday. That was fun!

We also went canoeing on the river this week, which was also fun and adventurous. The kids were awesome and we went swimming in the river & pond and had a picnic lunch.


My nieces are in town for a while and we were able to spend some time with them a couple of times, eating dinner, having a sleepover, going swimming, and going to the park. I love those little girls and have had a blast with them. We are going to miss them when they go back home. Victoria asks for her cousins all the time now.


Right now I'm working on finals in one class, just finished one for the other class which means I started 1 new class this week and will start another new class next week. Almost done with my Associates and then to start my Bachelor's program.

I am mostly just trying to avoid thinking about anything fertility wise...at least for another week or so. Ugh...the waiting sucks.

Oh, and I turn 30 on the 25th...I have mixed feelings about this...