Just so you know...

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be _______, but I am
I don't want to ______, but I do
I want to be _________, but I am not
I pretend to be __________, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to __________, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to__________, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard,
I really am.

Just so you know.

I wrote this a long time ago...about...8 or 9 months I'd say...I wrote this because I was hurting and sad and angry. I wrote this to many people and there are many words that can fill in those blanks...the words I originally filled them in with were:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am
I don't want to cry, but I do
I want to be happy for you, but I am not
I pretend to be ok with it, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.

So, that was my words to that poem.
Now, I really am happy for my friends that are pregnant and are popping up pregnant, but I am still jealous and hurting and cry almost EVERY time someone tells me that they (or someone they know) are pregnant...especially when I hear..."we weren't even trying!"

But, I am going to try to re-write the words on this:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am happy for you.
I don't want to cry, but I do sometimes, and that's ok.
I want to be happy for you, but I am not, I am excited for you! I pretend to be ok with it, but it was just pretending...I am ok now.
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.


So, just so you know my friends, I don't know what path I'm headed down as far as more children go, but I am happy for those of you who are being blessed day by day with your new little ones. It still hurts and I'm dealing with it, but it's not the end of the road.