I hate the word "infertile"...It makes me feel incomplete, inept, imperfect, inadequate, and wanting. This struggle of infertility is emotional beyond belief. It's a cycle that goes with the female cycle...starting with despair but quickly moving to hope, remaining hopeful through the injections and ultrasounds, then onto the waiting, the unsureness, the bouncing between scared and praying and hopeful and dreaming and excited, then, the despair starts again...this is a monthly process that I have been enduring for almost 3 years now.
I have watched my friends and family having babies, some of them have had 2 in the time we have been trying this time. I know that this is not easy on my husband either and it kills me each month to have to tell him AGAIN that we're not pregnant. It tears me up knowing how badly he wants another baby and so do I. Victoria is forever asking for a brother or a sister and there is nothing more in the world I would rather give her. I know people are telling me that this is God's plan and blah blah blah, but I don't like his plan, nor do I accept it. This is not how it is supposed to be or I wouldn't WANT another baby so badly, I wouldn't hurt so badly each month, I wouldn't have the ability to go through the treatments and everything we've been doing. This can not be his plan. He wouldn't torture me like this. The devil, yes, I believe that...but not God. He's not that cruel.
I never figured it would be this hard. We tried for Victoria for a very short amount of time and got pregnant so quickly. I had been diagnosed while trying for her with PCOS and started on Metformin to help regulate the hormones in my body. After just a few medicated cycles, I was pregnant. And we thought that getting pregnant the second time would be easier. I had been on the same medicine since we tried the first time, I am the same weight, I have been on pre-natals the whole time, everything should work. I had already had one, so I could have another, right?!?
So, for today, because of another devastating cycle for me, I am pissed off, jealous, destroyed, hurt, thinking about options, and don't want to tell my husband...again.