Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Infertility Ettiquette

I saw this online today and thought wow...this is almost EXACTLY how I feel.

(A few quotes from the article are included in my blog.)

I say almost because I do have a daughter, whom I love more than anything, so I do not know the full extent of the pain that so many women must feel. My heart goes out to the women who have never (and will never) have the chance to hold their own baby in their arms.

" The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. " Each and every month infertile couples (including myself & my husband) go through this wave of emotions...allowing ourselves to think that this may be the month, "trying" over and over again, waiting an agonizing few weeks, praying and trying to enjoy ourselves, and then being hit by the grief all over again. It's a vicious emotional cycle, all the while, EVERYONE around you seems to be pregnant or having babies...

"Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. "
You can't help but to "try" when it's been this long of trying...you can't just "relax"...you can't NOT think about fertility 24/7...it's hard not to let it consume your life and you. I try sooooo hard not to make it the topic of every conversation with my husband, friends, and family. Have you ever wanted something...a car...so bad that you see it everywhere...you can picture yourself in it, you can smell the leather, you test drive it, you crave seeing yourself in it permanently...it's kind of like that...EVERY month, every day...

"You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards."
Then don't tell me to be happy with what I have and to stop trying. Don't try to minimize my pain be telling me 2 kids is harder than 1. I know that having 2 children will be more difficult than one, but it will be rewarding also. I have had A LOT of time to think about having a 2nd child and I am pretty sure I know a lot of the pros and cons.

"I understand...that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. "
I WISH I had your problems. I have watched so many of you go from 1 baby to more...I have seen all of your Facebook announcements telling everyone of your great news, then weeks later talking about how sick you are, how you can't take cold meds, how you are hormonal, craving things, nesting, having contractions, in labor, and in the end...you're the one holding a beautiful new baby. It hurts. Each and every time, it hurts...I don't want it to, but it does. I want to be mean and say things like "I'm glad you're sick!" or "I wish I had your problem"...I don't expect you to not say anything, I'm glad for you (most of the time), and I don't think you need to edit your generic Facebook thoughts just for me (or people like me), but don't complain to me saying "Well, at least you don't have to deal with morning sickness"

"If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. "
I have never had trouble holding someone's new baby, but only because I have worked myself up to it before I got there...I have cried so many tears by that point that I am pretty sure I won't cry while holding your baby and I will cry more tears at the end of the day while I am alone.

I do not feel like this all day, every day, but infertility is a consuming problem for me and for most women. As a woman, it makes me feel like a failure...I am made to make babies, right? So why can't I? I have ALWAYS wanted 3 babies...and I'm praying that still happens.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Well...a lot has changed since the last time I wrote...I realized what an absolute whiner I was being last time...wow...

Anyhow...let's see...we have moved. We now live near Ft. Benning, GA. On the day that Jeremiah was supposed to sign into his new unit, he got a phone call and apparently some new orders. That day, we found out we had less than 2 weeks to move down to Benning with no idea how long we will be here. Luckily my Aunt and Uncle live near the base and Victoria and I are staying with them. So, we packed the whole house up, said goodbye to our friends, and moved our butts down South again. This trailer was pulled behind the biggest box truck we could find, plus we had my truck and the Bronco filled up with stuff! Whew! Almost as soon as we were unpacked (into storage garages), Jeremiah reported to his company and Victoria and I went down to DisneyWorld with some friends. We have now lived here about 3 weeks and we're settling in just fine.

Disney World was AWESOME!! I had no idea what to expect. It was my first time ever going and I was in for a bit of a shock, but it was wonderful. There were some very long days, some very stressful moments, some frustrations, sweat, and tears, but we saw so much, met several characters, took lots of photos, rode some rides, and saw some shows. It really was great. Taking a 3 year old was pretty amazing because everything was so real for her. She would run up to me after seeing the characters saying "Mommy, they really ARE real!!"...the picture here says it all!

I am one class away from my Associates degree and am moving right into the Bachelor's program for my Business degree with a specialization in Advertising. I am a bit nervous, but I know it will be a good thing in the long run.

My aunt and uncle (and cousins) have been so gracious to us. They have given us so much to stay here and have been so wonderful with all of us. Right now we are all still trying to figure out what goes where and that kind of thing, but I can not complain. The food, company, and hospitality have been wonderful!

Victoria and I have been sick the last 2 weeks...started out as Strep throat for me (she was on antibiotics to keep her from getting it) and then ended up with a head/chest cold that is finally dwindling away (I hope!). Now Victoria has been fevery and hasn't been eating well today and yesterday so I am praying that it goes away quickly.

She has been sleeping in my bed which bothers me...I don't want this to become a habit, but not sure how I'm going to stop it. There isn't room for her bed here, but I think I can go get her mattress and put it on the floor and make a little sleeping pallet up for her. I would really like to be able to stop this before it becomes something I will regret later (although I'm soaking up the loves and kisses while I can!!).

On my to and from Disney, I was able to stop at my BFF's house and hang out with her and her beautiful babies! It was wonderful to be able to love on both Abbigail and Caine and it was awesome to be able to hang out with my bestie. :) I miss her already, but it's nice being so close!!

Let's see...other than that...not much has changed. Still having fertility issues, but not able to do much about it at the moment. The only thing I can think of to do is to lose weight and I'm doing that...

So, I'm working on it...still haven't even started exercising yet, so I need to add that in to eating right and I think I'll see even more weight drop off. It has been a good change and a surprising one. I know that I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with my daughter and not much more than I weighed when I got married...almost 10 years later, can't complain! :)

Prayers are always appreciated for everything in our life...I will try to keep everyone updated! :)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's hard to keep your hopes up when nothing goes right...

I am so tired and frustrated with always being the positive person...there are so many things I am learning I have absolutely NO control over, so what's the point. Maybe I should just be a bitch...maybe not.

You know...after doing daily injections, you start to add hope to hopelessness and you expect that SOMETHING will work...well, apparently not for me. I don't know what step is next, but at this moment, I am feeling quite hopeless and frustrated and annoyed and hurt and devastated and pissed off and a multitude of other negative feelings...

You add that to the fact that Jeremiah doesn't seem to be able to get anything he was wanted or needed out of the military so far (NOTHING seems to be going right there, either) and it's just been a SHITTY week.

On a different note, my birthday weekend was fun. Thank you to my friends and hubby for making it so. :) I guess I can still get drunk for a while...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Shots for my birthday!!

I will definitely be doing shots for my birthday...two different kinds...

Needle shots in my tummy daily (more fertility drugs) and the liquor kind (maybe not shots, and maybe not daily, but I will be drinking). Dammit...I'm turning 30 tomorrow...I can do what I want.

I think most people set up goals for themselves in life to hit by certain timelines...I hit several of mine by this age, but not nearly all. I am very happily married with a beautiful daughter and a good life, so I can't complain much. I am still going to college, but am just a few months from an associates degree and moving right into my Bachelor's program. Still not quite sure what I want to focus on in the Bachelor's program, but I have a few ideas. I did not hit my weight goal, but I did lose some weight...it would help if I added an exercise program into eating better, but it's a start. Other goals I had I have no control over what-so-ever, thus the belly shots, and that's ok for now...

Anyhow...we are planning on going out for my birthday on Saturday night...to Hibatchi and then maybe to a bar or two. Still need a babysitter to do this, since the babysitter I had in mind backed out... :( Some of my friends and I are going to party and dance our arses off even if Bailey watches Victoria.

Been busy with my princess recently...we had a princess tea party, have been going swimming, to the splash pad, got her haircut, and just playing around the house. She had her 3 year wellness exam...doing just fine. She LOVES playing on my old computer. She has a video game that she knows how to load and play and it's pretty impressive to watch her figure it out.

I also went and had my hair done...added some stop-sign red highlights into it. :) I am sure I'll get some photos up here soon.

Well....looks like we'll be staying in North Carolina a while. Time to call the Realtor, renew the lease, and start painting this house. I want to tear down some wallpaper and get some color up on these walls.

Ok, got to feed the kiddo (and myself!).

Friday, August 13, 2010

Been kinda out of it...

I don't know what to write about...I have been through some stuff lately...obviously some fertility stuff, plus some military family stuff, lots of homework, and some mom's group stuff.

I feel like I'm constantly frustrated or annoyed about something and I feel so bad for my daughter and husband.

I have been busy with Victoria too though and have enjoyed that. We went to White Lake Water Park in Elizabethtown, NC this past Monday. That was fun!

We also went canoeing on the river this week, which was also fun and adventurous. The kids were awesome and we went swimming in the river & pond and had a picnic lunch.

My nieces are in town for a while and we were able to spend some time with them a couple of times, eating dinner, having a sleepover, going swimming, and going to the park. I love those little girls and have had a blast with them. We are going to miss them when they go back home. Victoria asks for her cousins all the time now.

Right now I'm working on finals in one class, just finished one for the other class which means I started 1 new class this week and will start another new class next week. Almost done with my Associates and then to start my Bachelor's program.

I am mostly just trying to avoid thinking about anything fertility wise...at least for another week or so. Ugh...the waiting sucks.

Oh, and I turn 30 on the 25th...I have mixed feelings about this...

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Fertility Gods...

There are HUNDREDS of fertility Gods and Goddesses, so...whatever one I need to pray to, I pray to you for fertility!!

(yay to Wikipedia)
A fertility deity is a god or goddess in mythology associated with fertility, pregnancy, and birth. In some cases these deities are directly associated with sex, and in others they simply embody related attributes.

Of all of the Gods and Goddesses, my favorite would have to be Venus.

But, being that I was raised as a Christian, I will pray most of all to the holy trinity and the most fertile woman in the world...the only one who has ever done it without sex...Mother Mary. So, Mary, mother of Jesus, please, bless us in this fertility journey. In God's name, Amen.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Busy as a me...

I am soooo glad not to be sick anymore (well, mostly over it...still a bit of a cough). I can finally leave the house and go do stuff with my baby and my hubby!

Today my little mermaid and I went swimming and had a blast! She is such a little fishy (she says mermaid) and swims all over the place. Swim lessons was one of the best things I've ever done.

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment early in the morning and learned how to give myself injections of a fertility medicine that I will do for at least the next week and hopefully all of this will result in a baby for us. :)

After the doctor appointment, we went to a children's museum in Lumberton, NC. It was cute and we had a lot of fun. It was like going to an indoor park basically, which was nice because it has been SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot outside. Everyday has been "feels like" over 100 degrees. ICK!

Still no word on My Love's situation, so we are taking it day by day at the moment and hoping that the Army pulls through for us.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Someday will be my day...

So, in the past two weeks, I have had 4 people I know come up pregnant...one of which was not trying and the baby was unwanted...the other 3 have been trying for a while and I honestly am happy for them. I just wonder...why not me? When will it be my turn?
It's easy for all of you who are pregnant, or who get pregnant SUPER easy, to tell me to "stop trying" because GUESS WHAT? I can't! I can't just stop wanting and I can't stop "trying" because I have to have medical intervention at this point in my life to be able to ovulate to make a Gosh darned egg to come out to GET pregnant...so :p.
My best friend just had her second baby and a TON of people I know are pregnant right now...everyone I see in the stores, restaurants and everywhere else I go are pregnant or have brand-new babies...today is just kind of a pity-me day and I'm frustrated and scared. Scared that our next step, Artificial Insemination, will not work, and then who knows what...I don't know...I guess I should just keep focusing on me and losing weight...AAAAAAARGH. stupid body.

And on top of all of that...two of the ones that are pregnant were my confidants in this struggle...and now I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I am tired of talking about it to people who CAN'T understand (through no fault of their own) and now I feel like they can't either...they, of course, now just say...it will be your time soon. AND I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing about it from me...just makes me sad.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Halfway there...

I am only about 3 pounds from my birthday goal...with more than a month to reach it still and am about halfway done with my total goal...which is what I weighed as a senior in high school...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Getting closer to my goal...

I am hoping that this pneumonia/bronchitis is not the reason for the latest weight drop and that it will stay off, but dropped some more pounds recently. I have been eating completely different than I am used to and am doing pretty good on it. Everything has been low-fat and complex carbs basically.

Right now, I would LOVE to go out walking, but I can hardly breathe, let alone catch enough of a breath to go walking in this humidity! It's hard just sitting on the couch...this sucks.

Either way, I am happy to see the scale going down. Still have a ways to go to reach my goal, but I am on my way!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Victoria's Birthday Party...and more!

Well, today we had Victoria's 3rd birthday party. It was so much fun and so busy and I am happy that it is done. :) It really was fun, but man...that will wear a person out!! She (and we) had a lot of friends here and the kids played in the pool and broke a pinata and ate food and had birthday cake and opened presents and whew....it was a mad house for a while. I hardly even ate...I stole a hot dog at one point, a couple of olives, and a piece of cake. I took tons of photos and chatted up a storm. It was awesome seeing everyone and we were overwhelmed with the generosity of gifts! This little girl got spoiled this year!

My Love's military career is now up-in-the-air but we will figure it all out and keep everyone updated.

I am going to put Victoria in gymnastics soon. I think she'd love it, she's such a little monkey and a tumbler.

I think I am coming down with a cold. EW! This sucks. I'll write more later. Too many distractions.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The beach is still beautiful, but I'm ready to go home

Victoria and I finally went to the beach yesterday and thankfully it was still beautiful! No oil and no tar balls anywhere. I know it will not stay this way, but I am glad I got to see it pristine before it becomes totally polluted.

We bounced around in the waves, watched birds fish, saw some sting rays, watched some crabs, searched for shells, and had a great time!

I love the beaches here and the way of life, but I miss my husband and my home. I am ready to go.

I am sure my daughter would like to see her room and her toys and her daddy and I KNOW Bailey wants her backyard!

Wednesday was our 9th wedding anniversary! It's hard to believe we've been married that long because we have so much fun. We have a fantastic married life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Thank you My Love for being a fantastic husband and father. I love you!

Well, off to run some last minute errands in Panama City! Later gators!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I just don't know what to think, say, or do right now

I will elaborate later...just know that I don't know what to do right now.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sometimes this is sooo hard...

Today is a tough day for me. I just found out a couple of my friends are pregnant and been seeing lots of pregnant people lately and holding several babies. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry...I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that it's so easy for some people and it does NOT help to think I am not in this alone...I know there are people who have it worse than me, at least I have one...but it does not make me want another one any less. This moment sucks. and now to go eat dinner...maybe.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Just so you know...

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be _______, but I am

I don't want to ______, but I do

I want to be _________, but I am not
I pretend to be __________, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to __________, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to__________, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard,
I really am.

Just so you know.

I wrote this a long time ago...about...8 or 9 months I'd say...I wrote this because I was hurting and sad and angry. I wrote this to many people and there are many words that can fill in those blanks...the words I originally filled them in with were:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am
I don't want to cry, but I do
I want to be happy for you, but I am not
I pretend to be ok with it, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.

So, that was my words to that poem.
Now, I really am happy for my friends that are pregnant and are popping up pregnant, but I am still jealous and hurting and cry almost EVERY time someone tells me that they (or someone they know) are pregnant...especially when I hear..."we weren't even trying!"

But, I am going to try to re-write the words on this:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am happy for you.
I don't want to cry, but I do sometimes, and that's ok.
I want to be happy for you, but I am not, I am excited for you! I pretend to be ok with it, but it was just pretending...I am ok now.
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.

So, just so you know my friends, I don't know what path I'm headed down as far as more children go, but I am happy for those of you who are being blessed day by day with your new little ones. It still hurts and I'm dealing with it, but it's not the end of the road.

Monday, June 7, 2010

It's the little things...

I miss my husband right now. I miss being able to lay next to him in bed and talk until we fall asleep. I miss having a cup of coffee with him in the morning and feeding him a yummy dinner in the evening. I miss watching Victoria and Daddy play together: teasing, laughing, hiding, chasing. I miss the flowers on my kitchen table...always fresh, always pretty, always there. I miss hearing him talk about work stuff and car stuff and other stuff that I don't understand, but he tries so hard to tell me what he is talking about (in laments terms) and make it make sense. I hate trying to talk to him on the phone because he is sooo not a phone conversationalist. I am not sad, I am not heart-broken or anything, I just miss him and I know that Victoria does too.

I am enjoying my time with Linzie and her family. That baby inside of her keeps growing and growing and boy does he want out! He is kicking and wiggling all over in there like an alien. It is wonderful to watch and I am completely jealous, but I'm ok. Maybe my turn will come again and maybe it won't, but it's not really up to me. I know that God will do what is right for me and my family.

I have not seen much of anyone else here in NW Florida yet, but I will. I have been working on my finals and I have one class done. I have one more final due and then I can concentrate more on everything else.

Victoria and Abbigail start swimming lessons tomorrow, so that will be fun. I can't wait to get her more confident and safe in the water...well, confidence is not really her problem...safety is.

Well, as far as weight loss goes...I am pretty sure I am at a stand-still right now...I haven't done anything exceptional in the food department and I haven't worked out an ounce, so I really need to get back to doing that. I am not giving up though and will lose this weight.

Anyhow, I am off to dreamland where I am hoping to see my husband and share a cup of dreamy coffee with him. I love you, My Love and I will talk to you in a few weeks.

Oh, and I have TONS AND TONS of photos to go through and upload, including our trip down to visit in-laws in New Smyrna Beach, FL and going to SeaWorld!! I will update then!

Monday, May 24, 2010

3 down...38 to go.

I am exhausted...I drank too much last night and stayed up too late, but I had a great time (I think)!I stepped on the scale today and discovered I'm down 3 lbs from last week. Not as much as I would hoped for, but...considering I haven't been exercising, and I haven't been doing THAT good on eating...I am happy with losing any.

Even this small amount makes me want to work harder for it...so, it's on. It's time. I have no other choices.

I have decided that I am pretty much screwed when it comes to fertility, and the ONLY known "cure" for PCOS is to lose weight...soooooo...I have to.

The clomid didn't work for me, I know that now and I know that it most likely won't work, which means that other ovulatory drugs won't work for me either. So, if I want to have another baby, I have to lose weight.

My goal, long term, is 38 more pounds. Shorter term...by my birthday, I would like to lose 15. I don't think that is unreasonable or unrealistic.

Anyone with me?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Facebook statuses I wish I had enough &^$# (general lack of knowledge) or to say!

Really? Do you have ANYTHING positive to say?

Is your life really that bad??

How come you "like" all of this stupid crap? Does it benefit you somehow to "like" 'when dogs pee on trees'?

If you keep saying all of the negative things in your life, I will probably hide you...or I already have...and if I NEVER comment on anything you do...you've been hidden.

I hate all of you fertile bitches, but then again, if you're pregnant, I can drink a beer right now and you can't!! So HA!!

I think it's funny that we all get on Facebook to talk about the weather.

Is Facebook really the place for politics? I try really hard to stay out of political issues on Facebook because I know some of my friends disagree with my viewpoint and I don't want to hear theirs!

It's DIPSHIT week...if you know someone, or if you yourself are a dipshit, please repost this in your status...cause I think your son, daughter, husband, wife, mom, dad, gramma, friend, dog, cat, lizard, whatever ones are STUPID AS SHIT.

Facebook is not going to charge you for use. SHUT UP!

If you have to spread the word around about a virus via status update, you deserve to get the virus.

Yes, Facebook is constantly changing what information they can share, because they are a business...they want to make money...(and if they don't...they might really start charging LOL) duh.

Ok, that's enough. I know I am not the most positive person all the damn time, but I try to remain positive on Facebook. So...there's my rant for the moment. :p

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Some of my favorite dessert recipes!

Ok, so I have had some people ask me for my favorite dessert recipes. I am pretty proud of my desserts, so here are a few...(the photos are probably not going to be mine because I don't typically take pictures).

Strawberry-Rhubarb Crisp

2C Rhubarb sliced
1Pt Strawberries sliced
3T Cornstarch
1C Brown Sugar (divided)
1.5C Quick Oats
1/2C All-purpose Flour
1t Cinnamon
1/2C Melted Butter

Preheat oven to 350. 8x8 baking dish

1. Stir together rhubarb, strawberries, cornstarch, and 1/2 cup of brown sugar.
Put in baking dish.
2. Stir 1/2 cup of brown sugar, oats, flour, and cinnamon.
Stir in butter until crumbly. Sprinkle over mixture.
3. Bake for 1 hour at 350.
4. Best if served warm with some vanilla ice cream. YUMMY!!!

This is one of my and my families favorites. I know it takes a while to make, but it is SOOO worth it and it's a wonderful summer dessert!

Cherry-Berries on a Cloud
**This recipe is from Betty Crocker**


6 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 cups sugar

2 packages (3 oz each) cream cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups whipping cream
2 cups miniature marshmallows

Cherry-Berry Topping

1 can (21 oz) cherry pie filling
1 teaspoon lemon juice
2 cups sliced strawberries or 1 package (16 oz) frozen strawberries, thawed, drained

1. Heat oven to 275°F. Grease bottom and sides of 13x9-inch pan. In large bowl, beat
egg whites, cream of tartar and salt with electric mixer on high speed until
foamy. Beat in 1 3/4 cups sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time; continue beating until
stiff and glossy.  (IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A MERINGUE, PLEASE GOOGLE IT.) Do not underbeat. Spread in pan.
2. Bake 1 hour. Turn off oven; leave meringue in oven with door closed 12 hours.
3. In large bowl, mix cream cheese, 1 cup sugar and the vanilla until smooth. In
chilled medium bowl, beat whipping cream until stiff. Fold whipped cream and
marshmallows into cream cheese mixture. Spread evenly over meringue. Refrigerate
at least 12 hours but no longer than 24 hours.
4. In medium bowl, mix all topping ingredients until well blended. Spoon over
individual servings of dessert. Store in refrigerator.

Pink Lemonade Pie
(thank you to Uncle Larry for sharing this one!)

(the picture shows a topping that I have never used, but this is a yummy, sweet-tart dessert!)

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese- softened
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 (6-ounce) can pink lemonade concentrate, thawed
Few drops - red food coloring
1C whipping cream, stiffly whipped
1 graham cracker crust

1. In a large mixer, beat cream cheese until fluffy. Beat in sweetened condesned
milk, lemonade and food coloring if desired.
2. Gently fold in whipped cream. Chill mixture for 30 minutes or until it mounds
slightly when dropped from spoon. Pour into crust and freeze until firm.
3. Let sit at room temperature 10 mins before serving.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 1...

This morning, I got a text message from a friend asking if I wanted to go walking on this trail system on base that is sandy and hilly (The All American Trail, for locals). I hadn't showered yet, so what the hell, right? I decided to go. I threw some clothes on (I was in jammies), dressed Victoria, shoveled down a 1/2 cup of applesauce and grabbed a slice of whole grain bread and left. We walked 4 miles in very hot (84 w/no wind, LOTS of sunshine) weather each pushing strollers and with Bailey. It felt awesome sweating and chatting and getting a great workout. I drank 24oz of water on the trail and on the drive home, then re-filled my bottle at home and already finished it off again...great, only 4 more bottles to go today (my eyeballs might float).

When we got home, Bailey drank a ton and laid on the floor panting (wish I could do that sometimes) and I made lunch. We age a low glycemic lunch today (I think) of pasta soup with chicken broth, veggie burgers, and fruit. We also had a small piece each of strawberry-rhubarb cobbler that I made last night.

So, so far, day 1 is going great! We are planning to take Victoria to her first movie ever in a theater, How to Train a Dragon to Fly, and I will abstain from gorging myself on popcorn and sodas. I am not going to NOT eat any, I will just not eat as much as I normally would.

Tonight for dinner, pork chops, veggies, baked beans, and wild rice. I will probably drink some almond milk (I LOVE this stuff!) with it and maybe we'll nibble another small piece of cobbler. :) Yummy!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Eat Less, Move More...or something.

So, I have discovered something about myself...being Polycystic, I am very likely to be insulin resistant, thus the Glucophage (medicine for diabetics) that I am on (2000mg/day). That being said...what does that mean? It means, basically, that I have a higher chance of becoming diabetic later on in life, that I have higher chances of heart complications, kidney damage, vision loss, and many other problems from insulin resistance and diabetes. Insulin resistance occurs when your body is unable to properly use insulin to regulate glucose levels in the blood. Symptoms?? Acne, weight gain, high blood pressure, sugar cravings (carb cravings), hirutism (facial or other body hair on women), and more. Well, I have SOME of those traits (thank GOD not all!).

So...now what do I do to keep from becoming diabetic, a path I do NOT want to go down. EVER. Well, I lose weight. Simple, right? Well, maybe for you, but for someone with PCOS and insulin resistance, losing weight is not so easy. Really. There's proof. So, you would think that a LOW carb diet would work best, right? WRONG!!

A low fat, low glycemic index diet is the best diet for women with PCOS. What does THIS mean?? Ok...eat carbs...LOTS OF THEM! But, the right kind of carbs! Not white bread, but whole grain bread, not chocolate chip cookies, but oatmeal cookies, not white rice, but brown rice, etc. One of the keys to this "diet" (which I'd rather call "lifestyle") is to eat a balanced diet. Remember the food pyramid that we all saw in grade school? Where grains, legumes, cereal, rice, pasta were on the bottom? It is still relevant. We still need to eat that way. I didn't really explain what the glycemic impact of food was...ok, the glycemic impact of food is how fast the food turns to sugar in the blood. I need to eat LOW glycemic index foods so that they have more fiber and raise the blood sugar slower than that of a high glycemic index food. This will keep me feeling fuller, longer, and by doing that, I will consume less calories in a day and less fat.

The low carb diets that are so popular (Atkins, Zone, South Beach) are loaded with high fat calories. Calories from fatty meats, butters, milk, cheese, etc. These kinds of fats are known to attribute to heart disease, and with PCOS, I already have a higher chance of that...For my heart, I need to avoid foods that are high in saturated and trans fats, like fatty red meats, whole milk dairy, butter, stick margarine, chicken skin, fried foods, etc.) and keep to using things like olive oil, fish, lean meats, veggies,skim milk (I can still drink 1% milk, but I should cook with skim to reduce fat) etc.

Oh...and don't think I'm going to lose weight without exercise. Geez...if you were to ask my husband how to lose weight, he'd simply say "Eat less, move more!". Yup, that is what I need to do...eat less bad foods (more good ones), and move more. Move more in my daily life. Walk Bailey (the dog) more (I'm sure she'd LOVE THAT), play more with Victoria outside, do more housework (can we say Happy House!), ride my bike, park further away at the Wal-Mart, etc.

So, long story shorter...I HAVE to lose weight. I have to do this for my health, to get pregnant, to be happy, to show my daughter a healthy way of life. I have to do this for me. I am hoping that this is the beginning story of a great journey of weight loss.

I have found some inspirational stories about other women with PCOS that have already conquered this journey, and in one of their words: "You may have PCOS...but PCOS does NOT have you!!"

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

One of my very best friends is my mom. I can only hope that my daughter will love and look up to me like I look up to my momma. I have always sought advice, comfort, and love from her and I always will. Mom, I love you. This song is for you.


Mother by Donna Lewis

And I can hear you calling my name
your healing hands smooth away the pain
and I can hear you whispering it'll be alright
you'll stay until the night breaks into day

you are my light in the dark
you stand beside me you take my hand show the way
you're here to guide me you give me the strength that I need
you giver me shelter
you gave me life you give me love
you are my mother

and when you hear me calling your name (I hear your voice)
you touch me with your chosen words
everlasting faith everlasting love is the greatest gift you have
believing understanding me

you are my light in the dark
you stand beside me
you take my hand show the way
you're here to guide me
you give me the strength that I need
you give me shelter
you gave me life you give me love
you are my mother

closer closer
closer to heaven are you

you are my light in the dark
you take my hand and show me the way
you give me the strength that I need
you gave me life you give me love

I know how blessed I am to have my beautiful daughter, my love, my reason for this day. Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mommy, I want you to dance with me...

Anyone that knows me knows I am not usually a grumpy or sad person...typically I am a pretty peppy person with a happy-go-lucky attitude, so I am issuing an apology for my attitude lately. I am trying very hard not to let everything get to me, and I am working on staying positive.

Today my daughter woke me up by saying, loudly, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" over and over. It was so cute. I couldn't help but to laugh and get out of bed.

We went to a kids museum and lunch with friends today, it was a good time. After Victoria's nap, she turned on her little radio and asked "Mommy, I want you to dance with me." I love this little girl. She wanted to spin around in circles and chase each other and just be giggly.

Who knows, maybe she is my miracle child...maybe I'm not meant to have any others. I do have one and I do love and cherish her (even if I have moments of utter frustration with her)...
I keep going through the "what-if" and "why"...Why did we wait so long? what if the birth control screwed this up for me?

We are not giving up...far from it...but I might as well cherish the one I have.

Oh, and please, please do not say "Well, you had one so having more should be easy." or "Be happy with the one you have."...
It does not help and should be added to the list.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Breaking the blogging hymen...

Yes, I just went there...I am a blogging virgin...well, was, until today.
I have decided to start a blog about many, many things...about this Hampton life of mine and almost all that it entails. I say "almost" because I will not speak freely of my husband's job, so please do not ask here.

I am slightly scatter-brained sometimes, so my writing may reflect that and I am sorry if I confuse anyone or do not use proper English or whatever...but this is a blog, not a doctoral paper.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy some of my ism's through my writings...

This was not how it was supposed to be...

For as long as I can remember, the only thing I have EVER wanted, was to be a mom. I never imagined it would be this hard. What an amazingly horrible emotional struggle that I would not wish upon anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have my almost 3 year old daughter, but we have been trying to give her a sibling for quite some time now and it is just not happening.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

We have been tested and I have been medicated with all sorts of things, the latest being Clomid. The fertility clinic had me do a clomiphene citrate challenge test (CCCT)(Read more about that here.) and apparently I failed it. Not sure exactly what this means now, what step is next, but apparently, Clomid did not help me to ovulate, which means...no baby...again.

It was not this hard to get pregnant the first time. The first time was just a mix of provera (progesterone) and metformin (glucophage). This time, we have been doing all of that and now added to it, Clomid.

Top 10 things that have not helped us in having a baby...
10. Sex...(no problems there)
9. Reading books about how to have a baby...
8. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...
7. Crying, bargaining, and begging...
6. Pillows under butt...
5. Being asked "When are you going to have another baby???"
4. Doctors...(although they are trying to help)
3. BBT and OPK...(basil body temp and ovulation prediction kits)
2. Holding other people's babies...
1. JUST RELAXING...........................
Please refrain from suggesting any of the crap listed above. All other suggestions are welcome.

So, for those of you wondering, right now, I am a bit bitter and defeated but what will be will be...eventually.