Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Wish I had something profound to say...

When I think about things throughout my day, I wish I would write them down...and then I sit down at my computer and completely forget all those fantastical thoughts I had...oh well...

I have a few things I wanted to talk about...

First, V starts school in a month...it's only 2 afternoons a week to start, but still...it's a milestone that I didn't think would happen quite like this. I figured I'd be home with another baby, so it would still be reasonable that I should stay home and be here when V got home from school. Well, since that obviously isn't happening I need to think about getting a job...but if I do that, I need to find full-time school/childcare for her...some people think this sounds like an easy decision to make...it is not for me. I haven't worked since 2 weeks before giving birth to her and my last job I had a lot of freedom with...I'm also trying to figure out what kinds of jobs I want to look for...Oy...

Second, I am fed up with political scare tactics from our government...both sides! I am so tired of hearing politicians only say things to get re-elected! I just wish there would be an easier way to get involved with something in government that could actually make some very needed changes.

I miss having friends that I just go over and chill out on their couch (or vice versa) and the kids play during the day. Don't get me wrong, I have met some WONDERFUL people here and made some great friends, but none like my BFF! I miss her and her kids terribly. I don't mean to say I don't love the friends I have made, but it seems like all of them have more important things to do (work, dealing with more than 1 kid, and some seem so stressed all the time).


Fertility wise - nothing really new. I have no idea if there are any follicles or if there are, how many, what size, etc. so for me I'm flying blind this cycle. This is a first for me in a LONG time...almost 2 years. I had a few cycles while we lived in Georgia that were unmedicated and unmonitored, but that is all. This one is medicated but unmonitored. I do not know when/if I will ovulate, but I am temping so hopefully I'll know if I do.

V has started asking me more for a brother. Saying stuff like "I'll be more happy if you give me a brother, will you be happy?" Of course my response was "I'm happy with just you, but if we have another baby one day, that will be ok too." 
Oh, and she said we have to name a girl "Leena" or "Donna" and for a boy she just shrugs her shoulders, then said "Maximus". My daughter is awesome. :)

Friday, July 22, 2011

5, 4, 3, 2. 1

Here's an interesting little timeline for you:

5 years on pre-natal vitamins and Metformin
4 years since giving birth
3 years of trying to get pregnant
2 years of injectibles and fertility treatments
all for 1 more baby...

Somedays it's easy to lose hope...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Feel the heat between your legs...

Oh, what a fun title...it could mean so much...*snicker, snicker*

I kind of wish I would have brought my computer out camping with us so I would have been able to type up all of the thoughts in my head during that time, but at the same time, it was WONDERFUL to be so disconnected from the world for just a little bit.

We had a great drive up to the mountains, stopping for home-made peach ice cream and fresh picked peaches. (We really do enjoy our roadtrips...crazy, I know!!) We started seeing the mountains and traveling through them seeing all sorts of wonderful sights and the temperatures dropped significantly compared to our starting point. Once we got there, we set-up camp and started a campfire and made dinner over the fire.

The next morning we got up, made breakfast, and went riding the four-wheelers. It was fairly chilly out that day and the hills were steep, the rocks big, and the puddles sparse. Each time I felt a chill, I also felt the heat of the motor between my legs. Each time I hit a puddle or mudhole, the steam hit my legs and the warmth was incredible. It is so freeing to be riding the four-wheeler where most people wouldn't go on foot, and where few people before us have gone.




Over the few days we were there, we picked wild blackberries along the trail, caught lightning bugs, took photos, rode four-wheelers, explored the local area, cooked food on the campfire, made S'mores, slept in the tent, and just had a grand time!! I think we had more fun camping than we did four-wheeling (it was REALLY rough and rocky). The weather was AMAZING!! The evenings were cool enough that the fire was almost a necessity and the days were perfect for shorts and a t-shirt without being hot. Soooo much better than the 100+ degrees we are feeling here! Ugh!!

We brought our phones, but rarely used them. We didn't bring anything else except the cameras as far electronic things. We definitely will be camping again. Our first trip with our 4 year old was successful! Woot!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I'm here

I'm here, I'm here...I've just been VERY busy!  Huge birthday party on Friday for my beautiful four year old, and then we left Saturday to go camping at Callalantee OHV park in Mountain City, TN. We went camping and four-wheeling and had a blast!! So, I'll write more later about all of that...Here are a few pics to tide you over:




















Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Birthday party prep

Am I friggin CRAZY?!?!?!?! So far our party list has 30 children and 23 adults...this doesn't include My Love, the birthday girl, or myself...HOLY CRAP!!

So, it's going to be insane but it will be cute. We will have pools (yes, 3 or 4) set up, bubbles, chalk, a pinata, and of course tons of food.

We will be grilling burgers, hot dogs, and chicken, baked beans, have fruit and veggies, chips, dips, pasta salad, and don't forget cakes and ice cream!

My friend helped me to make some really cute little fondant animals for the jungle cake and they are SO FRIGGIN CUTE!! See:

Anyhow, tomorrow will be busy prepping stuff for the party...oy. It's a good thing I'm fairly easy going. LOL

Oh, and fertility-wise: nada. next cycle I will be on Femara.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Birth story, July 12

To my beautiful gift from God, my daughter, my miracle.  

Happy Birthday to my beautiful little girl! I love you. So much!

This one is going to be fairly long...but it goes through a lot. 
(This was written almost completely from my birth journal (except what is in blue)...to see the previous days, please see: The Beginning: Birth Story & July 10 & July 11.   Yes, I know there is a lot to read, but it all ties in. )

July 14, 2007
I’m writing this with Victoria in one arm and resting my elbow on the rail of the hospital food tray. It’s been a very long, busy past few days. On the 11th, they gave me a couple of pills throughout the day to soften my cervix and help dilate me. By 5am I was having terrible cramping and still not dilated or effaced. Dr. B did an ultrasound and said my fluid levels decreased even more. They decided to continue the induction. The cramping and contractions increased and I finally started to dilate, slightly (up until this point I was “maybe a fingertip” dilated the whole time)

Around 2am (on the 12th), I was cramping and contracting. I tried laying on my right side, but my nurse could not find the baby’s heartbeat, so she had me roll back to my back. I did and she found the heartbeat, but lost it again with the next contraction. I was not able to move and with each contraction Victoria’s heart beat dropped and it was getting worse. 

At around 3:30am, my nurse called Dr. B and my midwife. By the time they got there, there was a flurry of activity. Dr. B woke up My Love and asked if he was ready to have a baby. They started to prep me (hair net, catheter, oxygen mask, shots to stop contractions, shaving) and got My Love his surgical blues. They took me down to the end of the hall and by the time I got there I was a little out of it. 

People were yelling at me to breath for the baby and I remember someone telling me they’d take care of the baby. Someone grabbed my hand and was stroking my arm and people were pushing on my belly. I was naked and cold and having contractions and confused and scared. I heard Dr. B ask the anesthesiologist “How long does it take for a spinal block?” The anesthesiologist answered “5 to 8 minutes”. Dr. B said “We don’t have time.”….and a blue sheet went up.

Then next thing I remember was lying in a bed and My Love talking to me – something about meeting out daughter. I was so groggy and couldn’t focus my eyes or my thoughts. I was like that for ½ of the next day (morphine drip). He asked me if I wanted to hold her and I told him no. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t feel my arms and was afraid I would drop her. Within the next hour I met Victoria, started breastfeeding, saw my mom, father in law, My Love, doctors, nurses…it was a whirlwind.



You know how when you imagine the birth of your baby, you always think you’ll cry and be happy and all excited and relieved…I was not. Someone handed me this cute little dark-haired baby and said “feed her or she’s going to have to have a bottle”…wait…was she mine? THIS was MY baby?? Are you sure, cause I didn’t see her and I just want to make sure she’s mine…well, I guess…I mean…ok, yeah, she’s mine. I’ll try this…man I’m tired, can I have more morphine?
 
Something I’ll never forget, but it was not written for some reason was the moment that I did finally bond with her in the hospital. The midwife (who was my Lamaze teacher) had come in and told my husband the day she was born that if I had stayed at home and labored like I had planned that V would have died, without a doubt. It didn’t hit me when he told me, but the next night…probably as I was writing in the journal. I remember looking at her and thinking…wow, I’m really a Mommy and you’re mine…you are MY baby and I almost killed you. You almost died and I am so sorry. And I cried…oh man did I ever cry. 

Having had a C-section, it hurt like hell too…I remember wanting to thank my doctor over and over after realizing that he saved my baby…Thank God for the the 4D ultrasound that I opted to pay for, that saved my daughter. Thanks to My Love for not letting me walk out that night. Thank God for the baby monitors that I did not want hooked up to me, they saved my daughter.
 
By the way, once I was in the C-Section room, she was out in less than 5 minutes, or so I have been told. She immediately was given to Daddy who was still waiting in the hallway and he was able to take her to the nursery to weigh, measure, bathe her, and do her footprints. Since I was not able to bond with her immediately, I am soooo glad he was.

Knowing what I know now, while suffering through infertility and “meeting” other moms via blogs who have had multiple miscarriages or had a baby who was born “sleeping” made me realize something (and my heart goes out to them every day)…had it not been for the optional 4D Ultrasound which I insisted on getting, I think V would have been stillborn. I would have lost my baby before ever getting to hold her, hear her…at that ultrasound, not only did they find that my fluid levels were low (oligohydramnios) but that the placenta had started to calcify. Dr. B told me after the fact that when he got her and the placenta out that the placenta was indeed calcified (“Calcification is a sign of placental aging. In fact the amount of calcification, seen as white specks on the ultrasound…can also be a sign of premature aging, which will decrease the amount of nutrition and oxygen going to the baby. The more calcification, the less placenta is normal tissue for supplying the baby.” http://www.babyzone.com/askanexpert/placenta-calcification). So, again, if I had labored at home, like I had planned on, and not gone in for the 4D Ultrasound when I did, I absolutely believe my daughter would not be here today. Is there a chance that the Dr’s would have caught the low fluid, absolutely…but it might have already been too late by that time. 

Maybe she is my one miracle child, the gift to make my life complete.




Happy Birthday my perfect, healthy, beautiful little girl. I am so glad to have shared my last 4 years with you and wouldn’t have it any other way and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you in it.




Monday, July 11, 2011

Birth story, July 11


July 11, 2007
Last night sucked. It’s hard enough to sleep in a bed that isn’t yours, but to have an IV, blood pressure cuff, fetal monitors, people in & out, noisy environment and a horrible bed really makes it weird. Not much happened overnight (because the nurse put the Cervadil in wrong) so they are going to try a different softening agent. (still not dilated)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Birth story, July 10

To continue on with my daughter's birth story: 
July 10, 2007
Well, I had a doctor’s apt today and they were concerned with the amount of (or lack of) fluids that were in the amniotic sac. Dr. B decided to induce me. I came to the hospital around 7pm and finally got a room around 9pm. They gave me Cervadil to soften my cervix and get it ready for labor. 
What I didn’t write in here was that I was PISSED OFF! I did NOT want to be induced…at ALLLLLLL.  I almost walked out, but My Love convinced me to call my midwife (who worked with Dr. B) and ask her if I really had to be there. She said she had looked at my chart and yes, I did need to be there for the baby. I trusted her and took her word for it…I think I just wanted a second opinion. I ate a huge dinner at Outback with my mom and My Love before going in and was able to receive clear fluids for the next few days along with an IV to keep fluids around the baby as much as possible, though I had to fight for those because they wanted me to have nothing but ice chips. My body was not ready at all! Not dilated at all, no softening…nothing.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Sometimes...

Sometimes when I see photos, posts, and tickers of everyone's advancing pregnancies, I just want to post a photo of myself, weekly, that says "0 weeks again"...or post "OMG, I'm already 0 weeks pregnant right now, it's slipping by so quickly!"........

AAAAH! Ok, just a rant...I feel a little better now...

Needs...and wants...

I have been working on my finals, but have so many other things that need done!!
I have a birthday party to plan for my almost 4 year old!
I need to organize the shelves in my living room.
I need to go shopping, badly!
and then make dinner.I need to do laundry.
I need to plan some playdates.
I need to plan our camping trip.
I need to play with my baby...and forget all the other things I "need" to do.

Today, a new friend of mine and a cycle buddy (we met in the waiting room for our IUI's on the same day) had a very unwanted visitor show up today. My heart goes to her and as much as I don't mean to sound terrible...I hope I will not have to by your cycle buddy again, but it's so hard to keep positive...I want this...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Just some photos to enjoy

I was just playing with my camera yesterday for a bit and here are some of the pics I took.


God I love this girl! Can't believe she is about to be 4 years old!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Our Daughter's Birth Story


When My Love and I found out we were pregnant, we decided to keep a journal about our new adventure in life, our baby. We started it and both wrote (and continue to write) in it about everything from names, wishes and fears for our child, talking about when we found out her sex, our birth plan, and everything else. Her due date was July 17th. She was born July 12th.

Here is our story of her birth from excerpts right out of the journal (if any current thoughts are there, they will be this shade of blue, rather than black). I will post the excerpts on the days that they were written 4 years ago (except the 1st one because I missed it...it's here now).

I never once thought about how anything could go wrong…

 
July 1, 2007
We’ve had some 4D ultrasounds in the last 2 weeks…the doctor is a little worried about her amniotic fluid levels so I have to go in tomorrow for another ultrasound.  Looking back, I did not realize how serious this really was at the time…I was just getting excited about having her in our arms, not realizing that she may not make it there…I was told to drink a lot of water over the weekend and come back.




July 5, 2007
I have to go in tomorrow for another ultrasound to check the fluid levels again. At this point, I knew it was a bit more serious, but thought I could still let nature take its course to start labor and labor at home a while, then go into the hospital at some point to push the baby out. This time, I was admitted to the hospital for rapid infusion IV’s and the fluid levels came up slightly. They were happy with that and asked me to come back again to check in a few days…over the next few days I went in every other day I think to get re-checked. 

4 wheeling vacation and 7 days

We had a fantastic weekend up in the mountains of West Virginia riding on the trails of the Hatfield-McCoy system. We got up to the Ashland Resort in the late afternoon on Saturday because the traffic on the interstates was crazy!! After setting up our new tent and getting a few things situated we set off on our 4 wheelers on some trails. After a couple of hours of some very cool trails through the mountains we decided to head back and make dinner. That night we had Kielbasa and some hobo hash (potatoes, onions, garlic in aluminum foil on the fire) and of course we had to have some awesome S'mores for dessert.
The next day we rode out after breakfast and drove about 60 miles. On our way back in the late afternoon, we were headed down a steep hill that had a switch back (reverse direction) at the bottom of it. Somehow I managed to get thrown off the front of my four wheeler, flip over, the 4 wheeler flipped over and landed, wheels down, on top of me. I instinctively reached up to stop the bike from hitting my face and when I did, my left hand pushed on my muffler (VERY hot) and the right on the toolbox. I have several burns on my left hand and have several lumps and bruises, mostly on my left leg. My elbows and hands have some scrapes (road rash) on them. I was very lucky it wasn't worse, because it really could have been.
That night my wonderful husband babied me. He prepped dinner, cooked it, cleaned dishes, he did it all. He's awesome! 
So, we are home now and had a fun evening for the 4th of July.
Today I feel bruised probably because I am pretty bruised. Got some really nice ones going up my left leg. Ouch.
On kind of a side note, the burns were/are the worst for me and having never been burned this bad really made me reflect on what my father had to have gone through when he was burnt years ago. My father was very severely burned all over his body from tar in the mid-80's. All I could think of was if my hand hurts this bad, how awful it must have been for my dad. Unbearable (though when I spoke to my mom about it, she said all of his nerves were burned also, so he really didn't feel much).

Ok ~ next story...
I am currently at 7 days past IUI, 7 days past ovulation, 7 days until testing, 7 days until my beautiful daughter's 4th birthday.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

OUCH!!!!

FLIPPED MY 4 WHEELER. TYPING 1 HANDED. BURNED HAND ON MUFFLER KEEPING IT OFF OF ME. sorry just realized that was all caps...lol. big knot on knee and lots of scrapes. OUCH!!!!!!!!