Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Infertility Ettiquette

I saw this online today and thought wow...this is almost EXACTLY how I feel.

(A few quotes from the article are included in my blog.)

I say almost because I do have a daughter, whom I love more than anything, so I do not know the full extent of the pain that so many women must feel. My heart goes out to the women who have never (and will never) have the chance to hold their own baby in their arms.

" The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. " Each and every month infertile couples (including myself & my husband) go through this wave of emotions...allowing ourselves to think that this may be the month, "trying" over and over again, waiting an agonizing few weeks, praying and trying to enjoy ourselves, and then being hit by the grief all over again. It's a vicious emotional cycle, all the while, EVERYONE around you seems to be pregnant or having babies...

"Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. "
You can't help but to "try" when it's been this long of trying...you can't just "relax"...you can't NOT think about fertility 24/7...it's hard not to let it consume your life and you. I try sooooo hard not to make it the topic of every conversation with my husband, friends, and family. Have you ever wanted something...a car...so bad that you see it everywhere...you can picture yourself in it, you can smell the leather, you test drive it, you crave seeing yourself in it permanently...it's kind of like that...EVERY month, every day...

"You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards."
Then don't tell me to be happy with what I have and to stop trying. Don't try to minimize my pain be telling me 2 kids is harder than 1. I know that having 2 children will be more difficult than one, but it will be rewarding also. I have had A LOT of time to think about having a 2nd child and I am pretty sure I know a lot of the pros and cons.

"I understand...that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. "
I WISH I had your problems. I have watched so many of you go from 1 baby to more...I have seen all of your Facebook announcements telling everyone of your great news, then weeks later talking about how sick you are, how you can't take cold meds, how you are hormonal, craving things, nesting, having contractions, in labor, and in the end...you're the one holding a beautiful new baby. It hurts. Each and every time, it hurts...I don't want it to, but it does. I want to be mean and say things like "I'm glad you're sick!" or "I wish I had your problem"...I don't expect you to not say anything, I'm glad for you (most of the time), and I don't think you need to edit your generic Facebook thoughts just for me (or people like me), but don't complain to me saying "Well, at least you don't have to deal with morning sickness"

"If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. "
I have never had trouble holding someone's new baby, but only because I have worked myself up to it before I got there...I have cried so many tears by that point that I am pretty sure I won't cry while holding your baby and I will cry more tears at the end of the day while I am alone.

I do not feel like this all day, every day, but infertility is a consuming problem for me and for most women. As a woman, it makes me feel like a failure...I am made to make babies, right? So why can't I? I have ALWAYS wanted 3 babies...and I'm praying that still happens.

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