11 year Anniversary

You know, I am not what most people would call a quiet person. In fact, most people would say that I talk too much, but it's me. What a lot of people don't realize is that I also keep my mouth shut more often than they'd think.  There are very few people in this world that I feel I don't have to hold my tongue for and one of them is my amazing husband.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating our 11 year anniversary. 

  

11 years that have passed by so amazingly fast and that have been absolutely wonderful. 

 

We have had so much fun and have built a wonderful life together. We have been blessed with a beautiful miracle of a child. 

 

I miss him everyday more than I could say.

Being the wife of a deployed soldier is hard enough, but celebrating holidays without him makes it even more difficult. I know it's just a day, I know it's going to pass with or without him, but I'd so much rather have him here.

I can't wait until he is home, safe again, in my arms and with our family. I can't wait to lie in bed together and be able to tell him everything I want to without holding back.

I know the next 11 years are going to be the best of adventures and the 11 years after that as well!

I love you and miss you My Love. Happy Anniversary!

My doorbell rang tonight...

The doorbell rang tonight…

The TV was on, probably too loud, but I swore that I heard the doorbell ring...a doorbell didn't fit into the show on TV. It was after 9pm, who could it…my heart briefly stopped. I got up and walked to the door. I turned on the front porch light and looked through the peep-hole.

It was my neighbor’s son, it was no big deal, really. I haven’t heard from My Love in a few days and...

Who knew such a familiar sound could cause a mini-panic attack? A military spouse. A military spouse whose love is deployed. 

I don’t dwell on negative thoughts or anything. It’s rare for me to think like that, but the timing…oh, man.  Like I said...mini heart-attack, and a huge sigh of relief after.

This is real...this is lonely...and scary...and too real.

OpLove Photos

ALL military families should know about OpLove! OpLove is a program through local professional photographers that volunteer their time and talent to take photos for families of deploying soldiers. An album of the photos is then sent to the soldier overseas to help boost morale. If you would like to purchase photos for yourself after your session, you are always welcome to. 

We chose a good friend of mine, Katherine, to do our photos. We love them and here are a few of those photos!

That being said, yes, My Love has deployed. We miss him and prayers are appreciated. If you are a military family approaching, during, or just after deployment (or know of another family with the same situation), please have them contact OpLove. It's free and it's soooo worth it!

Carry it for me...please

I'm not sure how I want to word this yet, so I'll start by saying that I think I am stressing out too much or something.

I have so much going on right now in my life. Our family went from the three of us to basically having 4.5 year old twins (with getting my nephew), I'm still going to school full-time, I have started working, and my husband is scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan within the next month. Just to add to that joy, I have all of a sudden been getting these weird headaches for every evening for the past several days. The past couple of days I have had a bit of baby fever and resentment and have been trying to hard to keep my mouth shut and not make snide remarks on social media. I have oftentimes found that it doesn't help my heart to do that, so I just don't.

I know many people in my life that would tell me to stop complaining...I got the second child, the son, I have always wanted...No. I don't. I love Lil Man, as a nephew. I will treat him as my own child. I will provide a loving, caring, warm, happy, healthy home for him...while he is here. This is not intended to be a permanent placement for him and I can not treat it as such. He has his own parents and they want him back.

He is NOT the baby I wanted. I want to be pregnant again, to feel my baby moving around and being cocooned in safety inside of me. I want to see my husband holding that tiny little baby after he (or she) was born, watching the love bloom and grow. I want to watch him put him to sleep on his chest and see the wave of peacefulness wash over My Love as his baby sleeps on his chest. I want to watch Victoria with her brother (or sister), helping to teach him things, hold him, love him, protect him, guide him, cuddle with him.

I don't know if our baby seeking story is over. The balance of wants/desires have changed for me. I have more moments where I have accepted my "only" child than not. I have less and less moments of the deep-seated desire for a second child. I had started coming to terms with it before the last failed cycle. I am ok if V is our one and only.

This wasn't supposed to turn into an infertility post. That's not where I meant for it to go, but it just did.

This post was going to be about how I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle all of these stresses in the upcoming months. This post was going to be about how everyone tells me how "strong" I am and how I can do this...I just wish someone could carry some of the stress for me...