I still don't have lemons...but I have a son.

I have an interesting story to share with you all. It may seem long, but it's true and it's...well, it's pretty amazing.

As many of you already know, My Love and I went through years of fertility treatments, without success, trying for a second child. We chose to stop that journey 2 years ago after yet another failed round of injections and insemination.

We never did anything to prevent another pregnancy, but since it didn't happen, over and over, we assumed it wouldn't. We actually were in the process of scheduling the big 'snip' for him because I didn't want the stress of the possibility any more. We were happy with our only and amazing daughter!

https://www.facebook.com/KatherineDPhotography

Anyhow, let me jump back about 3 years ago...

Picture this: Going through fertility treatments...daily injections...stress...crazy emotional roller coaster...every waking thought absorbed by baby brain...

I get a call out of the blue by my amazing and wonderful friend who lives in Florida. She is one of the most beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Her heart is so giving and generous to so many. So she calls me out of the blue one day and says "I need your address. I have something to send to you." I give it to her and she simply says "I had a vision. I have something to send to you."....ummmm, ok.



So a bit later, I get this bubble wrap manilla envelope in the mail with a letter and a big rock inside of it. The rock seemed like some kind of quartz with blue in it...
The letter...well, the letter read something along the lines of "I had a vision about your future. There is a rock enclosed in the envelope. You need to meditate over this rock, saying this chant (I don't remember what it was...I think I still have the letter, and now I'm going to have to look for it). After that, you need to plant the rock with a fruit bearing tree. If you do this, you will have a son on March 15th."

Remember this part, mmmmkay!  "A SON.......ON MARCH 15TH....."

So, thinking..."no way will this work...I'll get around to it one day"...and I set it off to the side. I'd read the note now and then, pick up the rock, think about doing it, but to be honest...it seemed a bit weird, so I'd put it back down.

Well, fast forward to the past deployment, 2 years ago. A different friend and I traveled down to Florida and on our way home, we stopped to get some amazing wine and while we were there, I saw some lemon trees...thought, yum, I want a lemon tree and bought it. When I got home, I needed to pot this tree...so I said to myself, "Self, this tree bears fruit...you should toss that rock in the pot just to say you did it, mmmkay?"...so I did. And I didn't think much of it...I didn't do the chant or meditation or anything...I put the rock in with the tree and babied the crap out of the tree cause I wanted lemons (I STILL DON'T HAVE LEMONS!!).

Fast forward again to this past summer...I still track all of my cycles (they are not regular) and the symptoms of ovulation, so I had a fairly good idea of when things happened; however, we had seen these symptoms come and go many times without any reason to believe this time would be any different.

While we were camping in the mountains, I had a dream that I went to the bathhouse and when I walked in, this sweet, Southern black lady handed me a pregnancy test and told me I had to take it...and it was positive. I told Jeremiah about the dream and we laughed about it because neither of us even entertained the idea of that being possible...even mocking about how it was probably because we were talking about the big 'snip'.

As we're driving home later that week, I started thinking it was possible...but didn't want to get my hopes up or anything, so kept dismissing the idea. A few days after we were home, it kept creeping up on me, so finally I took a pregnancy test and it was, as you know, positive! HOLY CRAPOLA!!  That same week, my lemon tree made a baby lemon tree...WHAT?!?!  (it's true!!)

ANYHOW....so, being obsessive, I looked at my chart, determined when I ovulated (our 12th anniversary) and determined my due date was....wait for it...MARCH 15. I knew, then and there, this was a boy...and NEVER doubted it since then.

We did an ultrasound to estimate the due date because of my irregularity, and they gave me the due date of March 28...which I still am not sure of because since that date was given to us, EVERY measurement since has been 2 weeks big...putting the due date at...wait for it...MARCH 15. And, of course, we know that this little baby is ALL boy...(been confirmed multiple times).

So, all that being said, here is a photo of me, at 37 weeks, measuring 39 weeks and ready to meet this new little man in my life.

https://www.facebook.com/EmmaTerwilligerPhotography

So, basically, the gist of the whole story was that over 3 years ago, a distant, but wonderful friend predicted the sex and due date of this baby...now we'll see when he actually decides to come out. 

Regina, you are amazing and I love you. 

Where are the white coats?

This is going to sound really weird to a lot of you, but I feel like such a fake, a phony, a fraud. I feel like a fraud because I have spent so many infertility appointments in the same waiting room, surrounded by pregnant people, hating them. Absolutely, hating them, wishing they didn't exist...or at least not at that moment...because I couldn't have what they had. Now, sitting there, I feel like I don't belong. At my doctor's appointments I keep waiting for them to come and take me away in a white coat for thinking I could be pregnant.

But, on another note, I had my 28 week OB appt today. Everything is looking great still. Baby is moving good and fluid levels are within normal range, though baby is measuring a little bit big. 10-11 weeks left until I get to meet my new little man!!

October ICLW

Well hello there fellow bloggers! 
This is my 5th ICLW and I look forward to reading other's stories, finding some new blogs, and hopefully gaining a few more followers on mine. I haven't done this for since October of 2 years ago.



"It'll happen when you least expect it"
Well, I suppose that is a true statement for us...though NOT what you want to hear when TTC...trust me, I know!
We had a huge surprise this July when I found out I am pregnant with #2. I am 17 weeks right now and doing well, though I still have a hard time believing it's real sometimes. Especially after trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 5 years for a second child. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter that is the light of our lives, but wanted so badly to give her a sibling.
I say this baby is a surprise because after all of the unsuccessful fertility treatments we truly thought that it just wasn't going to happen for us and we were to a point where we had accepted that. We had sold all of the baby items and though the thought never fully left the back of my mind when I'd see 'fertile' signs, I never thought I would ever see another pregnancy test with 2 lines.

Some history
I am 33 years old and My Love is 35 years old. We have been married over 12 years.

My Love is in the military and is always in and out of training and deployments, so TTC timing was always difficult, but we did fertility treatments for over 3 years, including supplements, weightloss (kind of minimal), fertility drugs, and 6 failed IUI's.


My daughter: At about 25-26 years old we decided to TTC #1...no cycles were happening for me though, a year later, went to the Dr....tests and tests and tests later, low and behold I have PCOS. Got on Metformin and Provera...2 cycles later, BFP! 9 months later and some pretty scary complications in the end...a beautiful baby girl! Her birth story.

Anyhow...5 years ago, in August, we started TTC#2...I was already on Metformin and taking Provera to get things going...
Not happening.
Seek RE.
Clomid resistant...start injectibles...
2 years of fertility injections,
6 IUI's,
all BFN's...
Only positive pregnancy test I've ever seen resulted in that beautiful baby above.

Just because I had one, didn't lessen the want or hurt for another, though I wish I could say it does. Secondary infertility is horrible and traumatizing and hard. I do have my daughter, yes, but I want so badly to give her a sibling, to give My Love another child, to hold another baby of mine in my arms (and hopefully not miss out on the birth!). I ached for this and because I have a young daughter, we go to school, birthday parties, and playdates with mom's who have had their 2nd and 3rd children in the time we had been trying for one more. I put a smile on my face and cried on the inside.

typical PCOS ovary w/1 large follicle

It was so difficult to talk to most anyone about infertility because so few people can truly comprehend it and when you're going through it, there isn't much else that you can think about. It's emotionally draining and time consuming...and it HURTS. This is why I started this blog so long ago.  Writing my blog and following others (some through successful pregnancies, and others that haven't hit that lotto yet) is what got me through the last many years.

My plan is NOT to turn this blog into a pregnancy blog, but I will occasionally post about the pregnancy. Not because I'm trying to hurt anyone going through fertility, but because we did end up with another chance...another miracle. 

Needless to say...someone is pretty excited!!

Surprise! We're expanding the family a bit further...

In July we spent a week in the mountains of West Virginia riding our four-wheelers through the Hatfield-McCoy trails and had a blast!! While I was there, I had a dream that someone handed me a pregnancy test and I took it and it was positive...Ha!! Now, wouldn't THAT be funny??? 3 years of fertility treatments and we had stopped trying anything about a year and a half ago, just before when My Love deployed.

So, we get home, and I just can't shake the dream, or the feeling that something was different. I went to Dollar General and had to secretly ask for a test (because Lil One was in there and I didn't want her realizing what was happening). I went home and did the test that day...INSTANTLY, this is what I saw:

I was in shock...complete and absolute shock...I told My Love to come see and he was in shock as well...neither of us expected that!
We went to the Dr later that week and confirmed via bloodtest...I'm PREGNANT!
Didn't have any idea how far along I really was because of the PCOS and irregular cycles, so we did a couple of quantitative HCG count tests and an Ultrasound later on. Apparently I'm about 10 weeks now (I thought I'd be closer to 12, at least).

So, without further ado...let me introduce our NEWEST addition..."gummy bear"

We are excited though cautious. This was obviously not planned, but definitely a blessing!

I guess we just had to "stop trying" and "relax" and "get rid of all of our baby stuff" and "give it time" and blah, blah, blah...I've never believed in all of that, but I do believe in miracles...heck, I have one already!!

Oh, and our last "new addition" of Sable, our "puppy"...she is a HUGE dog! She's smart and goofy and so incredibly lovey! She loves to play fetch and wrestle!
Here is a photo of her (Sable, (the dark one) 6 months) with our 10.5 year old (silver) Weimaraner, Bailey.

Carry it for me...please

I'm not sure how I want to word this yet, so I'll start by saying that I think I am stressing out too much or something.

I have so much going on right now in my life. Our family went from the three of us to basically having 4.5 year old twins (with getting my nephew), I'm still going to school full-time, I have started working, and my husband is scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan within the next month. Just to add to that joy, I have all of a sudden been getting these weird headaches for every evening for the past several days. The past couple of days I have had a bit of baby fever and resentment and have been trying to hard to keep my mouth shut and not make snide remarks on social media. I have oftentimes found that it doesn't help my heart to do that, so I just don't.

I know many people in my life that would tell me to stop complaining...I got the second child, the son, I have always wanted...No. I don't. I love Lil Man, as a nephew. I will treat him as my own child. I will provide a loving, caring, warm, happy, healthy home for him...while he is here. This is not intended to be a permanent placement for him and I can not treat it as such. He has his own parents and they want him back.

He is NOT the baby I wanted. I want to be pregnant again, to feel my baby moving around and being cocooned in safety inside of me. I want to see my husband holding that tiny little baby after he (or she) was born, watching the love bloom and grow. I want to watch him put him to sleep on his chest and see the wave of peacefulness wash over My Love as his baby sleeps on his chest. I want to watch Victoria with her brother (or sister), helping to teach him things, hold him, love him, protect him, guide him, cuddle with him.

I don't know if our baby seeking story is over. The balance of wants/desires have changed for me. I have more moments where I have accepted my "only" child than not. I have less and less moments of the deep-seated desire for a second child. I had started coming to terms with it before the last failed cycle. I am ok if V is our one and only.

This wasn't supposed to turn into an infertility post. That's not where I meant for it to go, but it just did.

This post was going to be about how I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle all of these stresses in the upcoming months. This post was going to be about how everyone tells me how "strong" I am and how I can do this...I just wish someone could carry some of the stress for me...
 

Calculated Risks...What to do...

So, I am not sure what to do...do I do another IUI or do we just have good, old fashioned baby making? 

The success rates for IUI's are not much higher than doing so naturally, as long as there is a good sperm count. 

"The overall success rate (for an IUI) seems to be between 15-20 percent per cycle, judging from the articles which will be abstracted below." http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html

Whereas the success rate of naturally trying for a woman in her 30's are: 20%. http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20411697,00.html

So, knowing that I have at least one, maybe two maturing follicles in my ovaries and have a trigger shot...I know I will ovulate...is it worth going through the IUI, or should we do this on our own this time? 

We do not have sperm issues, there are plenty and they are healthy...it's a matter of ovulation for us.

I just don't know what to do because we have done 5 IUI's and all have failed...and it feels like this whole process has gotten so technical and scientific...

My Love and I have a decision to make, but would love your input and suggestions.

ICLW!

Well hello there fellow bloggers! 
This is my 3rd ICLW and I look forward to reading other's stories, finding some new blogs, and hopefully gaining a few more followers on mine.


Brief history (stolen partly from the last ICLW)

I am 30 years old (31 in 4 days!!) and My Love is 33 years old. We were married 10 years ago.

My Love is in the military and is always in and out of training...only adding to the stress of TTC, but it is a good life and I am proud of him.


My daughter: At about 25-26 years old we decided to TTC #1...no cycles were happening for me though, a year later, went to the Dr....tests and tests and tests later, low and behold I have PCOS. Got on Metformin and Provera...2 cycles later, BFP! 9 months later...a beautiful baby girl! Her birth story.

Anyhow...3 years ago, in August, we started TTC#2...I was already on Metformin and taking Provera to get things going...
Not happening.
Seek RE.
Clomid resistant...start injectibles...
1.5 years of fertility injections,
5 IUI's,
all BFN's...
3 years TTC#2 this month.

typical PCOS ovary w/1 large follicle

CURRENTLY: I am 10 days into this cycle with Femara and  injections...2 vials of Menopur daily...went in Friday for an U/S and had 3 at 10mm and 2 at 12mm, but my E levels were REALLY low (33)...so they are likely cysts.

 I love my miracle daughter and stay-at-home with her right now. I go to school online full-time and I help organize a large playgroup in our area. I love taking photos and I like to talk (a lot) which is part of the reason I started a blog...so I could stop talking my fertile friends ears off...they don't want to hear this stuff and I know & understand that.

 
I am going to ask and answer a few very random questions for my bloggies:
 

1. How tall are you?

I am 6'3" tall. No, really, I am. 

2. What is the sexiest thing about your partner while you are TTC?

I love that he is so supportive and helpful around the house, especially when he sees I am bummed out from failed cycles or bad news.

3. Do you play an instrument?

I did in high school. I played the French Horn, but do not play anything anymore. 

4. Do you play sports? 

I bowled, golfed, swam in swim team, and played some volleyball in high school, but could never run. I SUCKED (still do) at running.

5. What is your favorite body part?

I would have to say my legs. I have very long legs and I think they look nicely shaped. 

Changes - Gotta Keep Your Head UP!

It's time to make some changes. I have a few ideas of things I need to & want to work on...
First, and foremost, is I need to take better care of myself. This includes working out and eating better. I am hoping with both of these I will start feeling better about myself, emotionally and physically.


I started Femara pills on Sunday morning and started 2 vials of Menopur yesterday. I go in Friday morning for an ultrasound. I don't know exactly what we'll see, but I am trying to just keep an open and non-stressed mind.

I want to take a break from fertility treatments, but I don't know when...My Love is military and is here sometimes and gone at others, sometimes for LONG periods of time and sometimes without much warning. That being said, we do have some swimmers frozen, so is it better to take a break while he is here and do the treatments while he is gone, or vice versa? In the meantime, I am continuing treatments...

I have decided I have a new theme song at the moment. Please enjoy!!

You Gotta Keep Your Head Up!!

 

I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can get deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine
Oh, you'll turn out fine
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh

I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin these rocks
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

 

CHORUS

 

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again and
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around again
I said only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around

So, right now I am keeping my head up and watching for my rainbow.

Too many eggs

Well, U/S this morning was...well...overwhelming and disappointing. Now there are toooo many eggs in there. I know there was about 15 that I counted that she measured...nothing was over 8mm, so who knows what is going on now. Nurse D called and said the Estradol levels were at 40. I asked how bad that was and she said that my ovaries were "acting like PCOS ovaries"...poo.


The U/S tech asked if I was an IVF patient because apparently this would be a GREAT cycle for IVF...but I def. don't have $5,000+ to do IVF, so that won't be happening. We just need a few (2-4) eggs to take charge and grow bigger than the rest, claiming the space. I have another U/S next Monday.


If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm not bummed, I'm praying hard for something good to come of this...

12 birthdays...

We had to do some traveling recently down to Florida, but are now home. We got home on Sunday night and Monday was My Love's Birthday! 33 years old, which means it was our 12th birthday to celebrate together! I remember our first one, his 21st, very well...

He looks so young!

Getting ready to go in!

Drinking beer at Six Flags with Brad!
He and I were not old enough. :p

We had just recently started dating and I wasn't sure what to get him...I wanted it to be special because it was his 21st, but didn't want to overdo it because I was a new girlfriend. I got him a 12 pack of Corona's and a birthday cake. We also had a trip planned to go to Six Flags that weekend with a bunch of friends, so I paid his way at Six Flags in Louisville, KY. We had a great time!

This year, I wish I could say I did something special, but that is not the case...yet. We will do something to celebrate his birthday, but it wasn't ON his birthday...we had just gotten home and we each had busy days. We did, however, get to have lunch together before our IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). Without holding too much hope, we pray that this one, as we did with the three previous ones, works.
I think I will arrange a camping trip for his birthday, and will be cooking him a yummalicious pork roast with gnocchi and gravy, salad, wine,  and a chocolate cake this week. :)

For our trip, we did take one day and spend it at the beach. Our old stomping grounds, Panama City Beach! We had a blast at the beach and then headed over to Pier Park for some more fun and shopping! We also went out for a couple of meals, including Uncle Ernie's, one of our favorites!

Here are a few pics from our trip: 

Have a fantastic day!!

Leena Deena and new shoes!

Oh, my child...my goofy, beautiful child...she has been walking around with a baby doll in her tummy for the past several days on and off...and today she asked me to be her doctor to help "cut the baby out" of her tummy...so I donned my medical gear (a hot pink, flowered scarf on my head) and grabbed my magical surgical kit (a wand and a comb), and she had a beautiful baby girl today. She named her Leena Deena (which changes all the time). And, at naptime, the baby went back into mommy's tummy.

Plans for the weekend:
We have a few birthday parties to go to this weekend, so that should be fun and keep up busy. One for Victoria's friend who is turning 3 and one for a friend of mine. I haven't seen my friend since she was pregnant a few months ago and I have yet to see her doll baby, but can't wait to meet her!

Allergies:
I really didn't believe people's allergies could change that much, but boy was I WRONG!! Apparently I'm allergic to the world right now...being inside or out doesn't matter...my eyes itch, I am coughing, sneezing once in a while, my nose itches, it's AWFUL!! The worst part is the itchy eyes...it's not fun at all! I bought some allergy drops but they don't give long-term relief...UGH!

FREE stuff:
A friend of mine is having a giveaway on her blog for a follower milestone! Check it out!

Lisa's Blog - 200 Followers Giveaway...That means FREE stuff people!!

Fertility: 
On the meds until my next ultrasound on Monday morning, bright and early. Victoria did great at my last one and there were some follicles, but nothing big yet. Blood tests said the estradiol levels were in the 50's, so keep going with the meds and re-check...that is all folks.
 

Photos:
I found a field of dandelions down the street from my house and stopped for a few photos yesterday: 

  And I'll leave you with a view of my new shoes...for those that don't know me and might not understand this photo...I am 6'3" tall, so when I wear heels, people are always asking me "Why?" would I wear them...well:

Check Please!

Tomorrow I go in for my first follicle check for this cycle. I have never been on this medicine before and I am hoping it is doing its job. I pray for a few good follicles and NO CYSTS! Please, God, Please no cysts!



Victoria is not a morning person...but she will have to be tomorrow...I have a 6am Dr. appt that she will be coming with me for. We'll see how it goes.




I am so tired of doing this game. I am so tired of this roller coaster. It's been almost 3 years. I want to see the extra line on a pregnancy test. I want to post ultrasound pictures of a baby, instead of ovaries full of cysts. I want to announce my weekly pregnancy update to the world. I want to hold my new baby. I want to complain about my new baby not sleeping through the night. I want to boast when he/she does. I want to share milestones with the world. I want to STOP reading everyone else's updates and happiness with jealousy in my heart. I want to be joyous in their celebrations. I want to be me again. I miss me.

UPDATE!!! My daughter shouldn't have to see me like this...

It's not often I post twice in one day but...since my last post, it has been very emotional for me. A bit of TMI for some readers, but my cycle started, which means I call my fertility doctors to schedule the next round of drugs and monitoring and all of that.

This is great news! Until...I called. My fertility Dr. and his staff are on vacation and nobody will be seen until May 2nd. Really? I mean...REALLY!?!?!?!?!?! As soon as they told me I could not start this cycle I just broke down...I couldn't even finish talking to the girl on the phone.

I timed this cycle perfectly (with the help of the birth control pills) so that when My Love came home my body was ready for his goods and we could get pregnant...and now I'm being told...nope, too bad...NO!

This sucks! 

What makes it worse is he leaves again in a month for MORE training...I don't know...I'm starting to think it's just not supposed to happen for us and it's killing me. I am having trouble stopping the tears from flowing and hiding them from my daughter right now.

She shouldn't have to see me this way. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some people get pregnant so easily...even when they don't want to?

I am honestly debating on using the thousands of dollars of fertility drugs I have on my own and just hoping I ovulate on my own with whatever I end up with...I'm sure that would be stupid, but I'm not willing to give up this cycle yet.

I'm just pissed and hurt and frustrated and want to scream...

UPDATE!! SHE CALLED! I am to start my injections this Thursday and go in for my first Ultrasound for monitoring next Wednesday. Whew!

I've got P on the brain

I've got several P's on the brain at least....
Pills
Playgroups
Power of God
Procrastination
Playing and
Photoshop...

Well, who would've thought that I would have to go back on Birth Control Pills while trying to get pregnant?

Yes, for those of you who are lost, you heard me right...birth control pills. The reason I am on them is because the last cycle of fertility drugs helped my ovaries to develop a bunch of cysts (fluid filled sacs without eggs in them). The birth control pills will help shut my system down so that my body can absorb these cysts and allow me a fresh start with the next cycle, which HOPEFULLY will be after just this one pack. If I continue on the medications it will only feed the cysts and make them larger rather than help eggs develop.

Other than that...been busy with my playgroup. We have had a few playdates recently and have more coming up quickly, including a group Easter Extravaganza.

We went to church this past Sunday. That was nice. It was my first time going to church in over 3 years.  I have been feeling compelled to go for sometime now...the power of God is amazing, huh? I just hope that his plan for me is somewhat how I envisioned my plan for me...

Finished one class for school (Economics) and am now working on the next one (Ethics). They're not really hard, just time consuming and I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator. Procrastination is opportunity's assassin.  ~Victor Kiam

Playing with my daughter and our friends has kept me busy, but when I'm not doing that I have been playing in Photoshop and with my camera.

Here are some more of my latest Photoshop adventures:

Well, not much left to say at the moment...I think I might try to go to bed at a decent time tonight...

So, what is your expiration date?

Someone I love very much asked me today "What is your expiration date?" 
I was confused, said "what do you mean?"
She said..."well, how long are you going to keep trying before you decide you're truly done? Will it be when Victoria is 6, 10? Do you have an age you want to be done by if you don't get pregnant soon?"


Now, stop right there. I know some of you reading are going to get all offended and upset about this, but I was not offended. She really was curious and she really did  mean well.

Ok, so...it made me think...what is my expiration date? Do I have one? The answer to the second question is definitely yes. The answer to the first question...I have no clue. How long do I want to do this? I know that I am relatively young (30) but I also know that at age 35 fertility decreases dramatically even more. I hate the emotional roller coaster that this entails, but I want to believe it will all turn out to be worth it. So, I DO know when I want to be done...now. I wanted to be done by now. I wanted to be done having children by age 30. Well, obviously that has passed...so, now, now would work for me...I want to be holding my newborn baby in 9, 10, 11, 12 months...that would be awesome!

Ok, on a TOTALLY different note...here are some random thoughts.

Someone needs to tell Lambchop (our 3 week old lamb) that my fingers are NOT udders! Milk has never come out of them, and it never will. Eat your damn hay/oats/creep!

Victoria complained she was having "bad dreams" (mind you, this was BEFORE she even went to sleep...can we say avoiding bedtime?) so taking a line from a movie I saw once, I told her to repeat 3 times "I will not dream of fluffy bunnies" ... as I walked out of her room, she was saying this over and over! SO CUTE and I love her sooo much!

Trying for a second child...

(I wrote this for my bloggy and BabyCenter (BBC) friends who are also Trying To Conceive (TTC) so there may be some terms that are unfamiliar to some people...I will try to cover them here: Intra Uterine Insemination = IUI, Big Fat Positive = BFP, Dear Daughter = DD) 

So, I had one baby already, right? The next one should be easy. Heck, getting pregnant the second time should be a breeze...well, then why is it that after years and years of trying am I still not pregnant? I just recently found a bunch of information about "secondary infertility" and had never even heard of the term before. I have been TTC for #2 for almost 3 years, seeing fertility specialists, taking Clomid, injectibles (multiple kinds), doing IUI's, timed intercourse, temping, taking Metformin, trying Soy Isoflavones, Vitamin B complex, and losing 40lbs, and we're still not pregnant. Haven't even seen a BFP since I got pregnant with DD.

I didn't realize how common secondary infertility actually was. Over 30% of infertility patients are dealing with troubles getting pregnant after already having one child...and because we already have one child, the emotional rollercoaster that people who are TTC go through is often downplayed because we already have one child. I hear things all the time like "Be happy with your one baby" or "at least you have one" or "there's no need for fertility treatments because you have a child"....

I know how hard it is to get pregnant and couldn't imagine NOT having my daughter, but having my daughter here while TTC is HARD! Not only do I have to go to all of the fertility appointments and put needles in my tummy and go to doctors appointments often and deal with ALL of the emotions that surround TTC, but I also have to take care of my daughter while doing so. On top of that, my daughter is ALWAYS asking me for a baby sister or brother. She talks about what she wants to name him/her, about having twins, about how she will play with him or her and he or she will eat from mommy's boobies...Also, not only do I feel the feelings of being a failure (because I did it once, but can't again), feeling guilty, angry, depressed, blaming myself, but I also feel extra guilt for not being able to add a sibling for my child.Then, my very well meaning friends, family, and strangers, are constantly asking (well, not so much anymore, because I've told everyone we're having problems TTC) "when are you going to have another child?" "when are you going to give her a sibling to play with?" "why did you decide to only have one?" and we still get the "just relax, it will happen" and the "as SOON as we stopped trying we got pregnant, you should stop trying" and the "temping/OPK's/IUI's worked for us"...


We always wanted several children and we both come from large families. It's hard not to become overly protective or attached to the one child we do have for fear of never having another. There has to be some kind of balance with raising her to be independent.

Well, I am grateful for my child, I love her soooo much and I couldn't imagine my life without her...AND, I want another baby soooo bad! I have watched so many people get pregnant and have their 2nd and even 3rd children since we have had our first.Because I already have one child, we have lots of friends with children her age...this means that MOST of them have siblings, many of them have had babies since knowing them, and we get to watch all of that with a big, fat smile on our face, trying to be happy for them, while trying not to fall apart inside.


Now, please, don't take this as whining...today, I feel ok, not good, but ok, with our situation...I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only person here TTC#2 with difficulty and just like many of you, I HATE that our TTC emotional roller coaster is taken for granted because we already have one baby. It does NOT make this journey any easier.

Ok, I have said my piece. For all who are TTC, Sticky Baby Dust to you and for those who are TTC#2, Sticky Baby Dust and peace in your heart to you. Let us enjoy the one (or more) that we have, and remember that we are not the only ones experiencing this emotional struggle. My wish for you is peace in this journey.

Hello and Welcome LFCA'ers!!

Someday will be my day...

So, in the past two weeks, I have had 4 people I know come up pregnant...one of which was not trying and the baby was unwanted...the other 3 have been trying for a while and I honestly am happy for them. I just wonder...why not me? When will it be my turn?
It's easy for all of you who are pregnant, or who get pregnant SUPER easy, to tell me to "stop trying" because GUESS WHAT? I can't! I can't just stop wanting and I can't stop "trying" because I have to have medical intervention at this point in my life to be able to ovulate to make a Gosh darned egg to come out to GET pregnant...so :p.
My best friend just had her second baby and a TON of people I know are pregnant right now...everyone I see in the stores, restaurants and everywhere else I go are pregnant or have brand-new babies...today is just kind of a pity-me day and I'm frustrated and scared. Scared that our next step, Artificial Insemination, will not work, and then who knows what...I don't know...I guess I should just keep focusing on me and losing weight...AAAAAAARGH. stupid body.

And on top of all of that...two of the ones that are pregnant were my confidants in this struggle...and now I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I am tired of talking about it to people who CAN'T understand (through no fault of their own) and now I feel like they can't either...they, of course, now just say...it will be your time soon. AND I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing about it from me...just makes me sad.

3 down...38 to go.

I am exhausted...I drank too much last night and stayed up too late, but I had a great time (I think)!I stepped on the scale today and discovered I'm down 3 lbs from last week. Not as much as I would hoped for, but...considering I haven't been exercising, and I haven't been doing THAT good on eating...I am happy with losing any.

Even this small amount makes me want to work harder for it...so, it's on. It's time. I have no other choices.

I have decided that I am pretty much screwed when it comes to fertility, and the ONLY known "cure" for PCOS is to lose weight...soooooo...I have to.

The clomid didn't work for me, I know that now and I know that it most likely won't work, which means that other ovulatory drugs won't work for me either. So, if I want to have another baby, I have to lose weight.

My goal, long term, is 38 more pounds. Shorter term...by my birthday, I would like to lose 15. I don't think that is unreasonable or unrealistic.

Anyone with me?

Mommy, I want you to dance with me...

Anyone that knows me knows I am not usually a grumpy or sad person...typically I am a pretty peppy person with a happy-go-lucky attitude, so I am issuing an apology for my attitude lately. I am trying very hard not to let everything get to me, and I am working on staying positive.

Today my daughter woke me up by saying, loudly, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" over and over. It was so cute. I couldn't help but to laugh and get out of bed.

We went to a kids museum and lunch with friends today, it was a good time. After Victoria's nap, she turned on her little radio and asked "Mommy, I want you to dance with me." I love this little girl. She wanted to spin around in circles and chase each other and just be giggly.

Who knows, maybe she is my miracle child...maybe I'm not meant to have any others. I do have one and I do love and cherish her (even if I have moments of utter frustration with her)...
I keep going through the "what-if" and "why"...Why did we wait so long? what if the birth control screwed this up for me?

We are not giving up...far from it...but I might as well cherish the one I have.

Oh, and please, please do not say "Well, you had one so having more should be easy." or "Be happy with the one you have."...
It does not help and should be added to the list.

This was not how it was supposed to be...

For as long as I can remember, the only thing I have EVER wanted, was to be a mom. I never imagined it would be this hard. What an amazingly horrible emotional struggle that I would not wish upon anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have my almost 3 year old daughter, but we have been trying to give her a sibling for quite some time now and it is just not happening.


I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.


We have been tested and I have been medicated with all sorts of things, the latest being Clomid. The fertility clinic had me do a clomiphene citrate challenge test (CCCT)(Read more about that here.) and apparently I failed it. Not sure exactly what this means now, what step is next, but apparently, Clomid did not help me to ovulate, which means...no baby...again.

It was not this hard to get pregnant the first time. The first time was just a mix of provera (progesterone) and metformin (glucophage). This time, we have been doing all of that and now added to it, Clomid.

Top 10 things that have not helped us in having a baby...
10. Sex...(no problems there)
9. Reading books about how to have a baby...
8. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...
7. Crying, bargaining, and begging...
6. Pillows under butt...
5. Being asked "When are you going to have another baby???"
4. Doctors...(although they are trying to help)
3. BBT and OPK...(basil body temp and ovulation prediction kits)
2. Holding other people's babies...
1. JUST RELAXING...........................
Please refrain from suggesting any of the crap listed above. All other suggestions are welcome.

So, for those of you wondering, right now, I am a bit bitter and defeated but what will be will be...eventually.