Monday, January 30, 2012

Carry it for me...please

I'm not sure how I want to word this yet, so I'll start by saying that I think I am stressing out too much or something.

I have so much going on right now in my life. Our family went from the three of us to basically having 4.5 year old twins (with getting my nephew), I'm still going to school full-time, I have started working, and my husband is scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan within the next month. Just to add to that joy, I have all of a sudden been getting these weird headaches for every evening for the past several days. The past couple of days I have had a bit of baby fever and resentment and have been trying to hard to keep my mouth shut and not make snide remarks on social media. I have oftentimes found that it doesn't help my heart to do that, so I just don't.

I know many people in my life that would tell me to stop complaining...I got the second child, the son, I have always wanted...No. I don't. I love Lil Man, as a nephew. I will treat him as my own child. I will provide a loving, caring, warm, happy, healthy home for him...while he is here. This is not intended to be a permanent placement for him and I can not treat it as such. He has his own parents and they want him back.

He is NOT the baby I wanted. I want to be pregnant again, to feel my baby moving around and being cocooned in safety inside of me. I want to see my husband holding that tiny little baby after he (or she) was born, watching the love bloom and grow. I want to watch him put him to sleep on his chest and see the wave of peacefulness wash over My Love as his baby sleeps on his chest. I want to watch Victoria with her brother (or sister), helping to teach him things, hold him, love him, protect him, guide him, cuddle with him.

I don't know if our baby seeking story is over. The balance of wants/desires have changed for me. I have more moments where I have accepted my "only" child than not. I have less and less moments of the deep-seated desire for a second child. I had started coming to terms with it before the last failed cycle. I am ok if V is our one and only.

This wasn't supposed to turn into an infertility post. That's not where I meant for it to go, but it just did.

This post was going to be about how I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle all of these stresses in the upcoming months. This post was going to be about how everyone tells me how "strong" I am and how I can do this...I just wish someone could carry some of the stress for me...

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