5 Years Old!!!

My precious baby girl will no longer be my ‘baby’ tomorrow…tomorrow, she turns 5. She is convinced that overnight she is going to grow taller and think differently because she will be a big girl. I wish Daddy, My Love, was here to celebrate with us, but we know how much he loves us and are so proud of him for what he is doing.

I didn’t ever think I’d be celebrating my child’s 5^th birthday with her being an only child, but I actually kind of love it. I love that we are able to really enjoy her and learn who she is. She is smart, fun, goofy, kind, caring, smart-mouthy at times, and just amazing! Of course, I’m a little biased, but I get that right!

She came into this world in a dramatic way (see: Birth Story) and we are so incredibly lucky to have her, to be blessed with such a wonderful little girl.

Tomorrow, she will wake up to ribbons on her door and presents in the living room. I want to make it a fun day for her to play and enjoy herself. Friday, she will bring cupcakes (that she made) to her school. Then we will have a skating party for her in about a week! Hey, you only turn 5 once, right?!

I guess that is one nice thing about only having one child, I can do her birthday however I want and not feel guilty about it. 

Anyhow, Happy, Happy Birthday my sweet, precious, BIG girl!

I still sing this lullaby almost every night to her. 

Birth story, July 12

To my beautiful gift from God, my daughter, my miracle.  

Happy Birthday to my beautiful little girl! I love you. So much!

This one is going to be fairly long...but it goes through a lot. 

(This was written almost completely from my birth journal (except what is in blue)...to see the previous days, please see: The Beginning: Birth Story & July 10 & July 11.   Yes, I know there is a lot to read, but it all ties in. )

July 14, 2007

I’m writing this with Victoria in one arm and resting my elbow on the rail of the hospital food tray. It’s been a very long, busy past few days. On the 11^th, they gave me a couple of pills throughout the day to soften my cervix and help dilate me. By 5am I was having terrible cramping and still not dilated or effaced. Dr. B did an ultrasound and said my fluid levels decreased even more. They decided to continue the induction. The cramping and contractions increased and I finally started to dilate, slightly (up until this point I was “maybe a fingertip” dilated the whole time). 

Around 2am (on the 12^th), I was cramping and contracting. I tried laying on my right side, but my nurse could not find the baby’s heartbeat, so she had me roll back to my back. I did and she found the heartbeat, but lost it again with the next contraction. I was not able to move and with each contraction Victoria’s heart beat dropped and it was getting worse. 

At around 3:30am, my nurse called Dr. B and my midwife. By the time they got there, there was a flurry of activity. Dr. B woke up My Love and asked if he was ready to have a baby. They started to prep me (hair net, catheter, oxygen mask, shots to stop contractions, shaving) and got My Love his surgical blues. They took me down to the end of the hall and by the time I got there I was a little out of it. 

People were yelling at me to breath for the baby and I remember someone telling me they’d take care of the baby. Someone grabbed my hand and was stroking my arm and people were pushing on my belly. I was naked and cold and having contractions and confused and scared. I heard Dr. B ask the anesthesiologist “How long does it take for a spinal block?” The anesthesiologist answered “5 to 8 minutes”. Dr. B said “We don’t have time.”….and a blue sheet went up.

Then next thing I remember was lying in a bed and My Love talking to me – something about meeting out daughter. I was so groggy and couldn’t focus my eyes or my thoughts. I was like that for ½ of the next day (morphine drip). He asked me if I wanted to hold her and I told him no. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t feel my arms and was afraid I would drop her. Within the next hour I met Victoria, started breastfeeding, saw my mom, father in law, My Love, doctors, nurses…it was a whirlwind.

You know how when you imagine the birth of your baby, you always think you’ll cry and be happy and all excited and relieved…I was not. Someone handed me this cute little dark-haired baby and said “feed her or she’s going to have to have a bottle”…wait…was she mine? THIS was MY baby?? Are you sure, cause I didn’t see her and I just want to make sure she’s mine…well, I guess…I mean…ok, yeah, she’s mine. I’ll try this…man I’m tired, can I have more morphine?

 

Something I’ll never forget, but it was not written for some reason was the moment that I did finally bond with her in the hospital. The midwife (who was my Lamaze teacher) had come in and told my husband the day she was born that if I had stayed at home and labored like I had planned that V would have died, without a doubt. It didn’t hit me when he told me, but the next night…probably as I was writing in the journal. I remember looking at her and thinking…wow, I’m really a Mommy and you’re mine…you are MY baby and I almost killed you. You almost died and I am so sorry. And I cried…oh man did I ever cry. 

Having had a C-section, it hurt like hell too…I remember wanting to thank my doctor over and over after realizing that he saved my baby…Thank God for the the 4D ultrasound that I opted to pay for, that saved my daughter. Thanks to My Love for not letting me walk out that night. Thank God for the baby monitors that I did not want hooked up to me, they saved my daughter.

 

By the way, once I was in the C-Section room, she was out in less than 5 minutes, or so I have been told. She immediately was given to Daddy who was still waiting in the hallway and he was able to take her to the nursery to weigh, measure, bathe her, and do her footprints. Since I was not able to bond with her immediately, I am soooo glad he was.

Knowing what I know now, while suffering through infertility and “meeting” other moms via blogs who have had multiple miscarriages or had a baby who was born “sleeping” made me realize something (and my heart goes out to them every day)…had it not been for the optional 4D Ultrasound which I insisted on getting, I think V would have been stillborn. I would have lost my baby before ever getting to hold her, hear her…at that ultrasound, not only did they find that my fluid levels were low (oligohydramnios) but that the placenta had started to calcify. Dr. B told me after the fact that when he got her and the placenta out that the placenta was indeed calcified (“Calcification is a sign of placental aging. In fact the amount of calcification, seen as white specks on the ultrasound…can also be a sign of premature aging, which will decrease the amount of nutrition and oxygen going to the baby. The more calcification, the less placenta is normal tissue for supplying the baby.” http://www.babyzone.com/askanexpert/placenta-calcification). So, again, if I had labored at home, like I had planned on, and not gone in for the 4D Ultrasound when I did, I absolutely believe my daughter would not be here today. Is there a chance that the Dr’s would have caught the low fluid, absolutely…but it might have already been too late by that time. 

Maybe she is my one miracle child, the gift to make my life complete.

Happy Birthday my perfect, healthy, beautiful little girl. I am so glad to have shared my last 4 years with you and wouldn’t have it any other way and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you in it.

Birth story, July 11

July 11, 2007

Last night sucked. It’s hard enough to sleep in a bed that isn’t yours, but to have an IV, blood pressure cuff, fetal monitors, people in & out, noisy environment and a horrible bed really makes it weird. Not much happened overnight (because the nurse put the Cervadil in wrong) so they are going to try a different softening agent. (still not dilated)

Birth story, July 10

To continue on with my daughter's birth story: 

July 10, 2007

Well, I had a doctor’s apt today and they were concerned with the amount of (or lack of) fluids that were in the amniotic sac. Dr. B decided to induce me. I came to the hospital around 7pm and finally got a room around 9pm. They gave me Cervadil to soften my cervix and get it ready for labor. 

What I didn’t write in here was that I was PISSED OFF! I did NOT want to be induced…at ALLLLLLL.  I almost walked out, but My Love convinced me to call my midwife (who worked with Dr. B) and ask her if I really had to be there. She said she had looked at my chart and yes, I did need to be there for the baby. I trusted her and took her word for it…I think I just wanted a second opinion. I ate a huge dinner at Outback with my mom and My Love before going in and was able to receive clear fluids for the next few days along with an IV to keep fluids around the baby as much as possible, though I had to fight for those because they wanted me to have nothing but ice chips. My body was not ready at all! Not dilated at all, no softening…nothing.

Our Daughter's Birth Story

When My Love and I found out we were pregnant, we decided to keep a journal about our new adventure in life, our baby. We started it and both wrote (and continue to write) in it about everything from names, wishes and fears for our child, talking about when we found out her sex, our birth plan, and everything else. Her due date was July 17^th. She was born July 12th.

Here is our story of her birth from excerpts right out of the journal (if any current thoughts are there, they will be this shade of blue, rather than black). I will post the excerpts on the days that they were written 4 years ago (except the 1st one because I missed it...it's here now).

I never once thought about how anything could go wrong…

 

July 1, 2007

We’ve had some 4D ultrasounds in the last 2 weeks…the doctor is a little worried about her amniotic fluid levels so I have to go in tomorrow for another ultrasound.  Looking back, I did not realize how serious this really was at the time…I was just getting excited about having her in our arms, not realizing that she may not make it there…I was told to drink a lot of water over the weekend and come back.

July 5, 2007

I have to go in tomorrow for another ultrasound to check the fluid levels again. At this point, I knew it was a bit more serious, but thought I could still let nature take its course to start labor and labor at home a while, then go into the hospital at some point to push the baby out. This time, I was admitted to the hospital for rapid infusion IV’s and the fluid levels came up slightly. They were happy with that and asked me to come back again to check in a few days…over the next few days I went in every other day I think to get re-checked.