The beach is still beautiful, but I'm ready to go home

Victoria and I finally went to the beach yesterday and thankfully it was still beautiful! No oil and no tar balls anywhere. I know it will not stay this way, but I am glad I got to see it pristine before it becomes totally polluted.

We bounced around in the waves, watched birds fish, saw some sting rays, watched some crabs, searched for shells, and had a great time!

I love the beaches here and the way of life, but I miss my husband and my home. I am ready to go.

I am sure my daughter would like to see her room and her toys and her daddy and I KNOW Bailey wants her backyard!

Wednesday was our 9th wedding anniversary! It's hard to believe we've been married that long because we have so much fun. We have a fantastic married life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Thank you My Love for being a fantastic husband and father. I love you!

Well, off to run some last minute errands in Panama City! Later gators!

I just don't know what to think, say, or do right now

I will elaborate later...just know that I don't know what to do right now.

Sometimes this is sooo hard...

Today is a tough day for me. I just found out a couple of my friends are pregnant and been seeing lots of pregnant people lately and holding several babies. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry...I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that it's so easy for some people and it does NOT help to think I am not in this alone...I know there are people who have it worse than me, at least I have one...but it does not make me want another one any less. This moment sucks. and now to go eat dinner...maybe.

Just so you know...

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be _______, but I am
I don't want to ______, but I do
I want to be _________, but I am not
I pretend to be __________, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to __________, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to__________, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard,
I really am.

Just so you know.

I wrote this a long time ago...about...8 or 9 months I'd say...I wrote this because I was hurting and sad and angry. I wrote this to many people and there are many words that can fill in those blanks...the words I originally filled them in with were:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am
I don't want to cry, but I do
I want to be happy for you, but I am not
I pretend to be ok with it, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.

So, that was my words to that poem.
Now, I really am happy for my friends that are pregnant and are popping up pregnant, but I am still jealous and hurting and cry almost EVERY time someone tells me that they (or someone they know) are pregnant...especially when I hear..."we weren't even trying!"

But, I am going to try to re-write the words on this:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am happy for you.
I don't want to cry, but I do sometimes, and that's ok.
I want to be happy for you, but I am not, I am excited for you! I pretend to be ok with it, but it was just pretending...I am ok now.
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.


So, just so you know my friends, I don't know what path I'm headed down as far as more children go, but I am happy for those of you who are being blessed day by day with your new little ones. It still hurts and I'm dealing with it, but it's not the end of the road.

It's the little things...

I miss my husband right now. I miss being able to lay next to him in bed and talk until we fall asleep. I miss having a cup of coffee with him in the morning and feeding him a yummy dinner in the evening. I miss watching Victoria and Daddy play together: teasing, laughing, hiding, chasing. I miss the flowers on my kitchen table...always fresh, always pretty, always there. I miss hearing him talk about work stuff and car stuff and other stuff that I don't understand, but he tries so hard to tell me what he is talking about (in laments terms) and make it make sense. I hate trying to talk to him on the phone because he is sooo not a phone conversationalist. I am not sad, I am not heart-broken or anything, I just miss him and I know that Victoria does too.

I am enjoying my time with Linzie and her family. That baby inside of her keeps growing and growing and boy does he want out! He is kicking and wiggling all over in there like an alien. It is wonderful to watch and I am completely jealous, but I'm ok. Maybe my turn will come again and maybe it won't, but it's not really up to me. I know that God will do what is right for me and my family.

I have not seen much of anyone else here in NW Florida yet, but I will. I have been working on my finals and I have one class done. I have one more final due and then I can concentrate more on everything else.

Victoria and Abbigail start swimming lessons tomorrow, so that will be fun. I can't wait to get her more confident and safe in the water...well, confidence is not really her problem...safety is.

Well, as far as weight loss goes...I am pretty sure I am at a stand-still right now...I haven't done anything exceptional in the food department and I haven't worked out an ounce, so I really need to get back to doing that. I am not giving up though and will lose this weight.

Anyhow, I am off to dreamland where I am hoping to see my husband and share a cup of dreamy coffee with him. I love you, My Love and I will talk to you in a few weeks.

Oh, and I have TONS AND TONS of photos to go through and upload, including our trip down to visit in-laws in New Smyrna Beach, FL and going to SeaWorld!! I will update then!