I still don't have lemons...but I have a son.

I have an interesting story to share with you all. It may seem long, but it's true and it's...well, it's pretty amazing.

As many of you already know, My Love and I went through years of fertility treatments, without success, trying for a second child. We chose to stop that journey 2 years ago after yet another failed round of injections and insemination.

We never did anything to prevent another pregnancy, but since it didn't happen, over and over, we assumed it wouldn't. We actually were in the process of scheduling the big 'snip' for him because I didn't want the stress of the possibility any more. We were happy with our only and amazing daughter!

https://www.facebook.com/KatherineDPhotography

Anyhow, let me jump back about 3 years ago...

Picture this: Going through fertility treatments...daily injections...stress...crazy emotional roller coaster...every waking thought absorbed by baby brain...

I get a call out of the blue by my amazing and wonderful friend who lives in Florida. She is one of the most beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Her heart is so giving and generous to so many. So she calls me out of the blue one day and says "I need your address. I have something to send to you." I give it to her and she simply says "I had a vision. I have something to send to you."....ummmm, ok.



So a bit later, I get this bubble wrap manilla envelope in the mail with a letter and a big rock inside of it. The rock seemed like some kind of quartz with blue in it...
The letter...well, the letter read something along the lines of "I had a vision about your future. There is a rock enclosed in the envelope. You need to meditate over this rock, saying this chant (I don't remember what it was...I think I still have the letter, and now I'm going to have to look for it). After that, you need to plant the rock with a fruit bearing tree. If you do this, you will have a son on March 15th."

Remember this part, mmmmkay!  "A SON.......ON MARCH 15TH....."

So, thinking..."no way will this work...I'll get around to it one day"...and I set it off to the side. I'd read the note now and then, pick up the rock, think about doing it, but to be honest...it seemed a bit weird, so I'd put it back down.

Well, fast forward to the past deployment, 2 years ago. A different friend and I traveled down to Florida and on our way home, we stopped to get some amazing wine and while we were there, I saw some lemon trees...thought, yum, I want a lemon tree and bought it. When I got home, I needed to pot this tree...so I said to myself, "Self, this tree bears fruit...you should toss that rock in the pot just to say you did it, mmmkay?"...so I did. And I didn't think much of it...I didn't do the chant or meditation or anything...I put the rock in with the tree and babied the crap out of the tree cause I wanted lemons (I STILL DON'T HAVE LEMONS!!).

Fast forward again to this past summer...I still track all of my cycles (they are not regular) and the symptoms of ovulation, so I had a fairly good idea of when things happened; however, we had seen these symptoms come and go many times without any reason to believe this time would be any different.

While we were camping in the mountains, I had a dream that I went to the bathhouse and when I walked in, this sweet, Southern black lady handed me a pregnancy test and told me I had to take it...and it was positive. I told Jeremiah about the dream and we laughed about it because neither of us even entertained the idea of that being possible...even mocking about how it was probably because we were talking about the big 'snip'.

As we're driving home later that week, I started thinking it was possible...but didn't want to get my hopes up or anything, so kept dismissing the idea. A few days after we were home, it kept creeping up on me, so finally I took a pregnancy test and it was, as you know, positive! HOLY CRAPOLA!!  That same week, my lemon tree made a baby lemon tree...WHAT?!?!  (it's true!!)

ANYHOW....so, being obsessive, I looked at my chart, determined when I ovulated (our 12th anniversary) and determined my due date was....wait for it...MARCH 15. I knew, then and there, this was a boy...and NEVER doubted it since then.

We did an ultrasound to estimate the due date because of my irregularity, and they gave me the due date of March 28...which I still am not sure of because since that date was given to us, EVERY measurement since has been 2 weeks big...putting the due date at...wait for it...MARCH 15. And, of course, we know that this little baby is ALL boy...(been confirmed multiple times).

So, all that being said, here is a photo of me, at 37 weeks, measuring 39 weeks and ready to meet this new little man in my life.

https://www.facebook.com/EmmaTerwilligerPhotography

So, basically, the gist of the whole story was that over 3 years ago, a distant, but wonderful friend predicted the sex and due date of this baby...now we'll see when he actually decides to come out. 

Regina, you are amazing and I love you. 

Where are the white coats?

This is going to sound really weird to a lot of you, but I feel like such a fake, a phony, a fraud. I feel like a fraud because I have spent so many infertility appointments in the same waiting room, surrounded by pregnant people, hating them. Absolutely, hating them, wishing they didn't exist...or at least not at that moment...because I couldn't have what they had. Now, sitting there, I feel like I don't belong. At my doctor's appointments I keep waiting for them to come and take me away in a white coat for thinking I could be pregnant.

But, on another note, I had my 28 week OB appt today. Everything is looking great still. Baby is moving good and fluid levels are within normal range, though baby is measuring a little bit big. 10-11 weeks left until I get to meet my new little man!!

Baby Hampton showed us the goods!!!!!!!

We had our 20 week ultrasound anatomy scan today. Of course the ultrasound techs won't tell you much as they do their work, but as I asked questions, she was able to show me or confirm what I asked.

 Profile shot

 Baby was all curled up in there. Tech even said we may have to come back for more measurements later.

So, from what I can tell from the very basic knowledge I have of ultrasounds, everything looks great!

 

Thumbs up!! 

The tech didn't get quiet at any point or turn the screen away or anything, so I don't feel like there is anything scary.

Big feet, just like sister!

When they finally brought My Love in the room (hospital policy is that ONLY the patient can be present during the actual exam), she went over all of the basic parts again, listened to the heart, and pushed and prodded until we found the goods!

We have a boy!!!!! 

 

I just knew it! I've known it for a while in my heart, so it was a great confirmation to see the evidence.

We did a gender reveal to our daughter first, then announced to family through phone calls and texts, then we posted photos that my friend (and amazing photographer) took to the rest of the world!

So exciting!! We have our girl and now we'll have our boy!

18 weeks tomorrow!

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow. Feeling the baby move more and more...little wiggles in the tummy. It's a very good and re-assuring feeling. 

At my last OB appointment we scheduled my anatomy scan ultrasound for November 12. I'm excited, though a bit nervous for it. 

We also discussed how she would talk to the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) (high risk) about monitoring me and the baby in the third trimester. Many women have issues with the first and second trimesters, but they (and I) are not worried about those two. The third trimester was the scariest one for me. That was when we almost lost my beautiful daughter. That was when my instincts were completely wrong. That was when the Dr's saved her life. When medical intervention was absolutely necessary...and I fought it. I couldn't be happier that they actually listened to my needs (so far) and are taking my concerns seriously.

That being said, I'm pretty sure I'll be doing an elective repeat C-section for this baby. I will not fight for a VBAC like I had really wanted at one time. I don't want to go through the hours and hours of labor just to end up with a C-section again anyway and a miserable recovery because of it. Also, I'll be able to schedule things easier: my mom to come help me, My Love to participate as much as possible from overseas, and my daughter to be taken care of.

I wasn't sure I wanted to do a "bumpdate"...for so long this has been an infertility blog...full of hopes and dashed hopes, full of pain and sorrow, full of stories of my older daughter and my wishes for her...but I AM pregnant again. There is no denying that and, in the end, this is my blog...so, here goes: 

How far along: 17 weeks 6 days!

How big is baby: bell pepper

I have been feeling: Tired, occasional headaches, have to pee...all the time, hungry, stuffy, swelling...

Total weight gain/loss? About 4lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight...but I think it's all in my boobs! 

Maternity clothes?  the belly band things from Target are my friend! Some maternity shirts and I only have one pair of maternity pants (capri's).

Sleep? I wake up a lot and should take naps more...

Best moment this week? Feeling much more baby flutters!

Food cravings? Nothing specific...cheesy things sometimes

Food aversions? super sweet things, fried things, meat

Gender?  your guess is as good as mine!

Labor signs? Thank God, no. 

Belly button in or out? in

What I miss? drinking a beer once in a while...or spiked coffee! 

What I’m looking forward to? My ultrasound in a few weeks
 
I’m worried about: is baby ok?

Bump? Yuppers!

October ICLW

Well hello there fellow bloggers! 
This is my 5th ICLW and I look forward to reading other's stories, finding some new blogs, and hopefully gaining a few more followers on mine. I haven't done this for since October of 2 years ago.



"It'll happen when you least expect it"
Well, I suppose that is a true statement for us...though NOT what you want to hear when TTC...trust me, I know!
We had a huge surprise this July when I found out I am pregnant with #2. I am 17 weeks right now and doing well, though I still have a hard time believing it's real sometimes. Especially after trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 5 years for a second child. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter that is the light of our lives, but wanted so badly to give her a sibling.
I say this baby is a surprise because after all of the unsuccessful fertility treatments we truly thought that it just wasn't going to happen for us and we were to a point where we had accepted that. We had sold all of the baby items and though the thought never fully left the back of my mind when I'd see 'fertile' signs, I never thought I would ever see another pregnancy test with 2 lines.

Some history
I am 33 years old and My Love is 35 years old. We have been married over 12 years.

My Love is in the military and is always in and out of training and deployments, so TTC timing was always difficult, but we did fertility treatments for over 3 years, including supplements, weightloss (kind of minimal), fertility drugs, and 6 failed IUI's.


My daughter: At about 25-26 years old we decided to TTC #1...no cycles were happening for me though, a year later, went to the Dr....tests and tests and tests later, low and behold I have PCOS. Got on Metformin and Provera...2 cycles later, BFP! 9 months later and some pretty scary complications in the end...a beautiful baby girl! Her birth story.

Anyhow...5 years ago, in August, we started TTC#2...I was already on Metformin and taking Provera to get things going...
Not happening.
Seek RE.
Clomid resistant...start injectibles...
2 years of fertility injections,
6 IUI's,
all BFN's...
Only positive pregnancy test I've ever seen resulted in that beautiful baby above.

Just because I had one, didn't lessen the want or hurt for another, though I wish I could say it does. Secondary infertility is horrible and traumatizing and hard. I do have my daughter, yes, but I want so badly to give her a sibling, to give My Love another child, to hold another baby of mine in my arms (and hopefully not miss out on the birth!). I ached for this and because I have a young daughter, we go to school, birthday parties, and playdates with mom's who have had their 2nd and 3rd children in the time we had been trying for one more. I put a smile on my face and cried on the inside.

typical PCOS ovary w/1 large follicle

It was so difficult to talk to most anyone about infertility because so few people can truly comprehend it and when you're going through it, there isn't much else that you can think about. It's emotionally draining and time consuming...and it HURTS. This is why I started this blog so long ago.  Writing my blog and following others (some through successful pregnancies, and others that haven't hit that lotto yet) is what got me through the last many years.

My plan is NOT to turn this blog into a pregnancy blog, but I will occasionally post about the pregnancy. Not because I'm trying to hurt anyone going through fertility, but because we did end up with another chance...another miracle. 

Needless to say...someone is pretty excited!!

16 weeks pregnant...still seems weird to say...

I honestly never thought I'd be saying that I was pregnant again. I know that I am still having a hard time accepting and enjoying this pregnancy because of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy...but scared. I'm excited...but unsure. I have to admit that the Doppler Fetal Monitor that a friend is lending me is very, very helpful to become more excited about this whole thing. Hearing the baby move and kick and hearing the heartbeat is pretty cool.

See: 

I didn't move the wand while making this video.

I'm in my second trimester now and man, I couldn't be happier that the nausea has gone away almost completely!!!!!!! Oh morning, afternoon, and evening sickness SUCK! I was sick the WHOLE time with my daughter, so I'll take this blessing of not being sick right now. I'm also already showing. I never showed with my daughter until I was much further along.

I don't really have many baby things yet, but am working on figuring out what I will need. I know some things have changed and that some new research has come out about certain products so I am doing some research and taking suggestions. I'm not really worried about it because I know things will fall into place and I'll end up with the essentials for the baby.

It's not going to be the easiest pregnancy and birth to go through. Mostly because My Love will deploy while I am pregnant and will miss the birth and several months of the baby's life. Fortunately through technology, he will still get to see the baby and us. Also, we're lucky that we have many friends in the area and family that will visit to help things go smoothly.

Anyhow, I have been putting this post off long enough, it's time to post it!

Surprise! We're expanding the family a bit further...

In July we spent a week in the mountains of West Virginia riding our four-wheelers through the Hatfield-McCoy trails and had a blast!! While I was there, I had a dream that someone handed me a pregnancy test and I took it and it was positive...Ha!! Now, wouldn't THAT be funny??? 3 years of fertility treatments and we had stopped trying anything about a year and a half ago, just before when My Love deployed.

So, we get home, and I just can't shake the dream, or the feeling that something was different. I went to Dollar General and had to secretly ask for a test (because Lil One was in there and I didn't want her realizing what was happening). I went home and did the test that day...INSTANTLY, this is what I saw:

I was in shock...complete and absolute shock...I told My Love to come see and he was in shock as well...neither of us expected that!
We went to the Dr later that week and confirmed via bloodtest...I'm PREGNANT!
Didn't have any idea how far along I really was because of the PCOS and irregular cycles, so we did a couple of quantitative HCG count tests and an Ultrasound later on. Apparently I'm about 10 weeks now (I thought I'd be closer to 12, at least).

So, without further ado...let me introduce our NEWEST addition..."gummy bear"

We are excited though cautious. This was obviously not planned, but definitely a blessing!

I guess we just had to "stop trying" and "relax" and "get rid of all of our baby stuff" and "give it time" and blah, blah, blah...I've never believed in all of that, but I do believe in miracles...heck, I have one already!!

Oh, and our last "new addition" of Sable, our "puppy"...she is a HUGE dog! She's smart and goofy and so incredibly lovey! She loves to play fetch and wrestle!
Here is a photo of her (Sable, (the dark one) 6 months) with our 10.5 year old (silver) Weimaraner, Bailey.

Trying not to be boring...

Website

I don't have much to say...I've been bored, but trying to not be BORING for my daughter. We hit up the library yesterday. I have decided to try the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I keep reading people's review of this series and it seems addictive, so I decided to give it a shot.

We also went to the movie yesterday, saw Winnie the Pooh. It was really cute! I thought I would find it boring, but it actually made me giggle a few times and I enjoyed it. That, and the fact that it only cost me $5 total for entrance, drinks, and a popcorn for my daughter and I...perfect.

I am trying to be a bit more experimental with my cooking...I have hit a lull lately and am getting tired of the same ol', same ol'.

I am 6 DPO. Two weeks wait is boring and LONG. I have been temping, but never know quite what to think of it at this point.

I have been trying to call and hang out with my friends a bit more and become a better friend myself. I love my friends and miss just chillin with them. It's not so easy when you have kids sometimes, but I'm figuring it out.

I think I am finally at peace with the fact that V may be an only child...so does this mean I should keep trying medically for #2? If this cycle doesn't work, do I ask for the Ovarian Drilling and if it happens from there, then so be it? Do I do it without the drilling? I'm really not sure what I want to do. My Love is happy with V, but wouldn't mind another...he's at the same point in his thoughts as I am...I have to start praying more on this for some answers.

Anyway, here are some photos of my beautiful V and our family of three!!

Significant dates...

You know, I hate doing this to myself, and I wouldn't have, but my Fertility Friend site (the one where I record my daily Basal Body Temperatures for Fertility) is having a temporary free upgrade and pointed this out to me...

If we conceived this cycle, it will have been on August 25th (my birthday) and the due date will My Love's birthday in May...

So, here's to a hopeful birthday baby.

Changes - Gotta Keep Your Head UP!

It's time to make some changes. I have a few ideas of things I need to & want to work on...
First, and foremost, is I need to take better care of myself. This includes working out and eating better. I am hoping with both of these I will start feeling better about myself, emotionally and physically.


I started Femara pills on Sunday morning and started 2 vials of Menopur yesterday. I go in Friday morning for an ultrasound. I don't know exactly what we'll see, but I am trying to just keep an open and non-stressed mind.

I want to take a break from fertility treatments, but I don't know when...My Love is military and is here sometimes and gone at others, sometimes for LONG periods of time and sometimes without much warning. That being said, we do have some swimmers frozen, so is it better to take a break while he is here and do the treatments while he is gone, or vice versa? In the meantime, I am continuing treatments...

I have decided I have a new theme song at the moment. Please enjoy!!

You Gotta Keep Your Head Up!!

 

I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can get deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine
Oh, you'll turn out fine
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh

I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin these rocks
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

 

CHORUS

 

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again and
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around again
I said only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around

So, right now I am keeping my head up and watching for my rainbow.

Too many eggs

Well, U/S this morning was...well...overwhelming and disappointing. Now there are toooo many eggs in there. I know there was about 15 that I counted that she measured...nothing was over 8mm, so who knows what is going on now. Nurse D called and said the Estradol levels were at 40. I asked how bad that was and she said that my ovaries were "acting like PCOS ovaries"...poo.


The U/S tech asked if I was an IVF patient because apparently this would be a GREAT cycle for IVF...but I def. don't have $5,000+ to do IVF, so that won't be happening. We just need a few (2-4) eggs to take charge and grow bigger than the rest, claiming the space. I have another U/S next Monday.


If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm not bummed, I'm praying hard for something good to come of this...

Drill me

Have you ever heard of Ovarian Drilling?

Me either...well, at least until I had been seeking fertility treatments for years after having been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

Let me tell you what I've learned: Women with PCOS create more testosterone in their ovaries than normal (all women produce testosterone, but PCOS women make more than the average woman). When the ovaries are drilled, the Dr. creates very small, microscopic holes all over the ovaries which breaks the thick outer surface of the ovaries and reduces the amount of testosterone produced. This usually causes about 80% of patients to ovulate on their own and about 50% to get pregnant within 1 year.
Are there risks? Well, of course there are! It is surgery!! It is done under general anesthesia. A small insertion is made by the belly button and they fill ya up with gas to make room (bet that sucks afterwards!!!) and then they stick a camera and a drill in ya and drill holes into your ovaries!! This can cause scar tissue  and it can increase chances of ovarian failure.

all at once everyone.....EWWWWW

I asked Dr. P if he thought this might work for me and he is going to check to see if we have done enough other options and medications for it to work. It will work best if I lose more weight, so I really need to focus on getting these last 20lbs off to hit my goal BMI if I am going to do it. Besides fertility wise, it will just be better for me.

So...

I have created a Facebook group to help motivate myself and my mommy (and non-mommy) friends to exercise and hit our fitness and weightloss goals. I am praying that they hold me accountable and that I can do the same for them!! We already have some great conversations and motivations going on! I know I exercised yesterday just because of this group...because I told them I would. I am excited for this.

Me, Me, Me! (Moms Encouraging Moms to Exercise and Motivativate Each other)

 

 

My index finger is too short?!?!

I just read the weirdest thing and had to share it with you all...
In an article called "What Your Hands Reveal About Your Health" one part stated:

Short Index Fingers
WHAT THEY MEAN: Women with pointer fingers smaller than their ring fingers may have a heightened risk for osteoarthritis and polycystic ovarian syndrome, a hormonal disorder that can disrupt fertility. The upside? A lower risk for heart disease. “More exposure to testosterone in utero, which relates to skeletal health, fertility and cardiovascular development, may also create longer ring fingers,” says John Manning, Ph.D., author of The Finger Ratio. “But don’t regard your ratio as a definite indicator of risks—or immunity to them.” Controlling your weight protects your joints, fertility and heart, regardless of finger length. Aim for a body-mass index between 18.5 and 25 (calculate yours at Self.com.)

Interesting, because this is my hand...

 

Clearly my index finger is longer than my ring finger...but I definitely have PCOS...

What is your hand like? 

Check Please!

Tomorrow I go in for my first follicle check for this cycle. I have never been on this medicine before and I am hoping it is doing its job. I pray for a few good follicles and NO CYSTS! Please, God, Please no cysts!



Victoria is not a morning person...but she will have to be tomorrow...I have a 6am Dr. appt that she will be coming with me for. We'll see how it goes.




I am so tired of doing this game. I am so tired of this roller coaster. It's been almost 3 years. I want to see the extra line on a pregnancy test. I want to post ultrasound pictures of a baby, instead of ovaries full of cysts. I want to announce my weekly pregnancy update to the world. I want to hold my new baby. I want to complain about my new baby not sleeping through the night. I want to boast when he/she does. I want to share milestones with the world. I want to STOP reading everyone else's updates and happiness with jealousy in my heart. I want to be joyous in their celebrations. I want to be me again. I miss me.

UPDATE!!! My daughter shouldn't have to see me like this...

It's not often I post twice in one day but...since my last post, it has been very emotional for me. A bit of TMI for some readers, but my cycle started, which means I call my fertility doctors to schedule the next round of drugs and monitoring and all of that.

This is great news! Until...I called. My fertility Dr. and his staff are on vacation and nobody will be seen until May 2nd. Really? I mean...REALLY!?!?!?!?!?! As soon as they told me I could not start this cycle I just broke down...I couldn't even finish talking to the girl on the phone.

I timed this cycle perfectly (with the help of the birth control pills) so that when My Love came home my body was ready for his goods and we could get pregnant...and now I'm being told...nope, too bad...NO!

This sucks! 

What makes it worse is he leaves again in a month for MORE training...I don't know...I'm starting to think it's just not supposed to happen for us and it's killing me. I am having trouble stopping the tears from flowing and hiding them from my daughter right now.

She shouldn't have to see me this way. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some people get pregnant so easily...even when they don't want to?

I am honestly debating on using the thousands of dollars of fertility drugs I have on my own and just hoping I ovulate on my own with whatever I end up with...I'm sure that would be stupid, but I'm not willing to give up this cycle yet.

I'm just pissed and hurt and frustrated and want to scream...

UPDATE!! SHE CALLED! I am to start my injections this Thursday and go in for my first Ultrasound for monitoring next Wednesday. Whew!

thoughts flow...and some pictures

So...I don't always know exactly what to write about when I sit down in front of my blog, but the thoughts will just start flowing...right?

I stopped taking the birth control pills and am hoping that they did their job, which was to suppress any cysts I had in my ovaries and let my system reset so that we can start another cycle when My Love comes home. Victoria will be 4 in just a few months and we were hoping to have our children about 2 years apart, but as a fellow blogger pointed out, "I just wish the child-spacing choice was mine to make, and not forced upon me" (Back for Seconds). I couldn't agree more and wish that I had more control over this whole situation, rather than relying on faith & medicine.

Several of my friend have had babies recently and  seeing some of the comments they make just make me want to say something in retaliation...and it's not like it's anything bad, it's not anything that they shouldn't say...Like, if someone says that they're baby isn't sleeping through the night, or is starting to crawl/walk, or I see ANOTHER weekly pregnancy update, I just want to say something like..."At least you have another baby" or "My 'baby' has been sleeping through the night for years...eats and walks good too (most of the time)! So there!" or "Right now I hate you. I watched you struggle (or watched you 'accidentally') to get pregnant, watched your whole pregnancy progress, and now your baby is a frickin toddler (and some of you are pregnant again). Fuck you." Truthfully, I am happy for you, just completely and utterly jealous because I want my day to say these things again too.

OK...on to some positive stuff...

Victoria and I have been having a TON of fun with our friends lately and taking tons and TONS of photos and I can't wait to share some of them on here (I just have to do some picking out and editing first!). Here...here is a sample: 

I love this little girl! :)

Before & During photo -

I wasn't going to do this, but why not...I refuse to say it's before & AFTER pics, because I'm not done yet, but here is a pic of me from not that long ago...with one taken today. I don't have the same green shirt, but these are the same pants, I think (I had to hold them up, but it works because my arm is in the same angle as holding the beer). So, this is 40lbs gone and I want to lose AT LEAST another 20. My goal in this, besides looking better and feeling, is to hopefully improve my chances of getting pregnant.

It's hard to keep your hopes up when nothing goes right...

I am so tired and frustrated with always being the positive person...there are so many things I am learning I have absolutely NO control over, so what's the point. Maybe I should just be a bitch...maybe not.

You know...after doing daily injections, you start to add hope to hopelessness and you expect that SOMETHING will work...well, apparently not for me. I don't know what step is next, but at this moment, I am feeling quite hopeless and frustrated and annoyed and hurt and devastated and pissed off and a multitude of other negative feelings...

You add that to the fact that Jeremiah doesn't seem to be able to get anything he was wanted or needed out of the military so far (NOTHING seems to be going right there, either) and it's just been a SHITTY week.

On a different note, my birthday weekend was fun. Thank you to my friends and hubby for making it so. :) I guess I can still get drunk for a while...

Someday will be my day...

So, in the past two weeks, I have had 4 people I know come up pregnant...one of which was not trying and the baby was unwanted...the other 3 have been trying for a while and I honestly am happy for them. I just wonder...why not me? When will it be my turn?
It's easy for all of you who are pregnant, or who get pregnant SUPER easy, to tell me to "stop trying" because GUESS WHAT? I can't! I can't just stop wanting and I can't stop "trying" because I have to have medical intervention at this point in my life to be able to ovulate to make a Gosh darned egg to come out to GET pregnant...so :p.
My best friend just had her second baby and a TON of people I know are pregnant right now...everyone I see in the stores, restaurants and everywhere else I go are pregnant or have brand-new babies...today is just kind of a pity-me day and I'm frustrated and scared. Scared that our next step, Artificial Insemination, will not work, and then who knows what...I don't know...I guess I should just keep focusing on me and losing weight...AAAAAAARGH. stupid body.

And on top of all of that...two of the ones that are pregnant were my confidants in this struggle...and now I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I am tired of talking about it to people who CAN'T understand (through no fault of their own) and now I feel like they can't either...they, of course, now just say...it will be your time soon. AND I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing about it from me...just makes me sad.

Just so you know...

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be _______, but I am
I don't want to ______, but I do
I want to be _________, but I am not
I pretend to be __________, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to __________, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to__________, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard,
I really am.

Just so you know.

I wrote this a long time ago...about...8 or 9 months I'd say...I wrote this because I was hurting and sad and angry. I wrote this to many people and there are many words that can fill in those blanks...the words I originally filled them in with were:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am
I don't want to cry, but I do
I want to be happy for you, but I am not
I pretend to be ok with it, but it's just pretending
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.

So, that was my words to that poem.
Now, I really am happy for my friends that are pregnant and are popping up pregnant, but I am still jealous and hurting and cry almost EVERY time someone tells me that they (or someone they know) are pregnant...especially when I hear..."we weren't even trying!"

But, I am going to try to re-write the words on this:

Just so you know my friends,
I don't want to be jealous, but I am happy for you.
I don't want to cry, but I do sometimes, and that's ok.
I want to be happy for you, but I am not, I am excited for you! I pretend to be ok with it, but it was just pretending...I am ok now.
I wish it were easy for me to get pregnant, but I guess it's not.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have another baby, but I really, really do.
I am working on it all
I am trying so hard, I really am.

Just so you know.


So, just so you know my friends, I don't know what path I'm headed down as far as more children go, but I am happy for those of you who are being blessed day by day with your new little ones. It still hurts and I'm dealing with it, but it's not the end of the road.