Check Please!

Tomorrow I go in for my first follicle check for this cycle. I have never been on this medicine before and I am hoping it is doing its job. I pray for a few good follicles and NO CYSTS! Please, God, Please no cysts!



Victoria is not a morning person...but she will have to be tomorrow...I have a 6am Dr. appt that she will be coming with me for. We'll see how it goes.




I am so tired of doing this game. I am so tired of this roller coaster. It's been almost 3 years. I want to see the extra line on a pregnancy test. I want to post ultrasound pictures of a baby, instead of ovaries full of cysts. I want to announce my weekly pregnancy update to the world. I want to hold my new baby. I want to complain about my new baby not sleeping through the night. I want to boast when he/she does. I want to share milestones with the world. I want to STOP reading everyone else's updates and happiness with jealousy in my heart. I want to be joyous in their celebrations. I want to be me again. I miss me.

thoughts flow...and some pictures

So...I don't always know exactly what to write about when I sit down in front of my blog, but the thoughts will just start flowing...right?

I stopped taking the birth control pills and am hoping that they did their job, which was to suppress any cysts I had in my ovaries and let my system reset so that we can start another cycle when My Love comes home. Victoria will be 4 in just a few months and we were hoping to have our children about 2 years apart, but as a fellow blogger pointed out, "I just wish the child-spacing choice was mine to make, and not forced upon me" (Back for Seconds). I couldn't agree more and wish that I had more control over this whole situation, rather than relying on faith & medicine.

Several of my friend have had babies recently and  seeing some of the comments they make just make me want to say something in retaliation...and it's not like it's anything bad, it's not anything that they shouldn't say...Like, if someone says that they're baby isn't sleeping through the night, or is starting to crawl/walk, or I see ANOTHER weekly pregnancy update, I just want to say something like..."At least you have another baby" or "My 'baby' has been sleeping through the night for years...eats and walks good too (most of the time)! So there!" or "Right now I hate you. I watched you struggle (or watched you 'accidentally') to get pregnant, watched your whole pregnancy progress, and now your baby is a frickin toddler (and some of you are pregnant again). Fuck you." Truthfully, I am happy for you, just completely and utterly jealous because I want my day to say these things again too.

OK...on to some positive stuff...

Victoria and I have been having a TON of fun with our friends lately and taking tons and TONS of photos and I can't wait to share some of them on here (I just have to do some picking out and editing first!). Here...here is a sample: 

I love this little girl! :)

This was not how it was supposed to be...

For as long as I can remember, the only thing I have EVER wanted, was to be a mom. I never imagined it would be this hard. What an amazingly horrible emotional struggle that I would not wish upon anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have my almost 3 year old daughter, but we have been trying to give her a sibling for quite some time now and it is just not happening.


I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.


We have been tested and I have been medicated with all sorts of things, the latest being Clomid. The fertility clinic had me do a clomiphene citrate challenge test (CCCT)(Read more about that here.) and apparently I failed it. Not sure exactly what this means now, what step is next, but apparently, Clomid did not help me to ovulate, which means...no baby...again.

It was not this hard to get pregnant the first time. The first time was just a mix of provera (progesterone) and metformin (glucophage). This time, we have been doing all of that and now added to it, Clomid.

Top 10 things that have not helped us in having a baby...
10. Sex...(no problems there)
9. Reading books about how to have a baby...
8. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...
7. Crying, bargaining, and begging...
6. Pillows under butt...
5. Being asked "When are you going to have another baby???"
4. Doctors...(although they are trying to help)
3. BBT and OPK...(basil body temp and ovulation prediction kits)
2. Holding other people's babies...
1. JUST RELAXING...........................
Please refrain from suggesting any of the crap listed above. All other suggestions are welcome.

So, for those of you wondering, right now, I am a bit bitter and defeated but what will be will be...eventually.