I still don't have lemons...but I have a son.

I have an interesting story to share with you all. It may seem long, but it's true and it's...well, it's pretty amazing.

As many of you already know, My Love and I went through years of fertility treatments, without success, trying for a second child. We chose to stop that journey 2 years ago after yet another failed round of injections and insemination.

We never did anything to prevent another pregnancy, but since it didn't happen, over and over, we assumed it wouldn't. We actually were in the process of scheduling the big 'snip' for him because I didn't want the stress of the possibility any more. We were happy with our only and amazing daughter!

https://www.facebook.com/KatherineDPhotography

Anyhow, let me jump back about 3 years ago...

Picture this: Going through fertility treatments...daily injections...stress...crazy emotional roller coaster...every waking thought absorbed by baby brain...

I get a call out of the blue by my amazing and wonderful friend who lives in Florida. She is one of the most beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Her heart is so giving and generous to so many. So she calls me out of the blue one day and says "I need your address. I have something to send to you." I give it to her and she simply says "I had a vision. I have something to send to you."....ummmm, ok.



So a bit later, I get this bubble wrap manilla envelope in the mail with a letter and a big rock inside of it. The rock seemed like some kind of quartz with blue in it...
The letter...well, the letter read something along the lines of "I had a vision about your future. There is a rock enclosed in the envelope. You need to meditate over this rock, saying this chant (I don't remember what it was...I think I still have the letter, and now I'm going to have to look for it). After that, you need to plant the rock with a fruit bearing tree. If you do this, you will have a son on March 15th."

Remember this part, mmmmkay!  "A SON.......ON MARCH 15TH....."

So, thinking..."no way will this work...I'll get around to it one day"...and I set it off to the side. I'd read the note now and then, pick up the rock, think about doing it, but to be honest...it seemed a bit weird, so I'd put it back down.

Well, fast forward to the past deployment, 2 years ago. A different friend and I traveled down to Florida and on our way home, we stopped to get some amazing wine and while we were there, I saw some lemon trees...thought, yum, I want a lemon tree and bought it. When I got home, I needed to pot this tree...so I said to myself, "Self, this tree bears fruit...you should toss that rock in the pot just to say you did it, mmmkay?"...so I did. And I didn't think much of it...I didn't do the chant or meditation or anything...I put the rock in with the tree and babied the crap out of the tree cause I wanted lemons (I STILL DON'T HAVE LEMONS!!).

Fast forward again to this past summer...I still track all of my cycles (they are not regular) and the symptoms of ovulation, so I had a fairly good idea of when things happened; however, we had seen these symptoms come and go many times without any reason to believe this time would be any different.

While we were camping in the mountains, I had a dream that I went to the bathhouse and when I walked in, this sweet, Southern black lady handed me a pregnancy test and told me I had to take it...and it was positive. I told Jeremiah about the dream and we laughed about it because neither of us even entertained the idea of that being possible...even mocking about how it was probably because we were talking about the big 'snip'.

As we're driving home later that week, I started thinking it was possible...but didn't want to get my hopes up or anything, so kept dismissing the idea. A few days after we were home, it kept creeping up on me, so finally I took a pregnancy test and it was, as you know, positive! HOLY CRAPOLA!!  That same week, my lemon tree made a baby lemon tree...WHAT?!?!  (it's true!!)

ANYHOW....so, being obsessive, I looked at my chart, determined when I ovulated (our 12th anniversary) and determined my due date was....wait for it...MARCH 15. I knew, then and there, this was a boy...and NEVER doubted it since then.

We did an ultrasound to estimate the due date because of my irregularity, and they gave me the due date of March 28...which I still am not sure of because since that date was given to us, EVERY measurement since has been 2 weeks big...putting the due date at...wait for it...MARCH 15. And, of course, we know that this little baby is ALL boy...(been confirmed multiple times).

So, all that being said, here is a photo of me, at 37 weeks, measuring 39 weeks and ready to meet this new little man in my life.

https://www.facebook.com/EmmaTerwilligerPhotography

So, basically, the gist of the whole story was that over 3 years ago, a distant, but wonderful friend predicted the sex and due date of this baby...now we'll see when he actually decides to come out. 

Regina, you are amazing and I love you. 

18 weeks tomorrow!

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow. Feeling the baby move more and more...little wiggles in the tummy. It's a very good and re-assuring feeling. 

At my last OB appointment we scheduled my anatomy scan ultrasound for November 12. I'm excited, though a bit nervous for it. 

We also discussed how she would talk to the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) (high risk) about monitoring me and the baby in the third trimester. Many women have issues with the first and second trimesters, but they (and I) are not worried about those two. The third trimester was the scariest one for me. That was when we almost lost my beautiful daughter. That was when my instincts were completely wrong. That was when the Dr's saved her life. When medical intervention was absolutely necessary...and I fought it. I couldn't be happier that they actually listened to my needs (so far) and are taking my concerns seriously.

That being said, I'm pretty sure I'll be doing an elective repeat C-section for this baby. I will not fight for a VBAC like I had really wanted at one time. I don't want to go through the hours and hours of labor just to end up with a C-section again anyway and a miserable recovery because of it. Also, I'll be able to schedule things easier: my mom to come help me, My Love to participate as much as possible from overseas, and my daughter to be taken care of.

I wasn't sure I wanted to do a "bumpdate"...for so long this has been an infertility blog...full of hopes and dashed hopes, full of pain and sorrow, full of stories of my older daughter and my wishes for her...but I AM pregnant again. There is no denying that and, in the end, this is my blog...so, here goes: 

How far along: 17 weeks 6 days!

How big is baby: bell pepper

I have been feeling: Tired, occasional headaches, have to pee...all the time, hungry, stuffy, swelling...

Total weight gain/loss? About 4lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight...but I think it's all in my boobs! 

Maternity clothes?  the belly band things from Target are my friend! Some maternity shirts and I only have one pair of maternity pants (capri's).

Sleep? I wake up a lot and should take naps more...

Best moment this week? Feeling much more baby flutters!

Food cravings? Nothing specific...cheesy things sometimes

Food aversions? super sweet things, fried things, meat

Gender?  your guess is as good as mine!

Labor signs? Thank God, no. 

Belly button in or out? in

What I miss? drinking a beer once in a while...or spiked coffee! 

What I’m looking forward to? My ultrasound in a few weeks
 
I’m worried about: is baby ok?

Bump? Yuppers!

October ICLW

Well hello there fellow bloggers! 
This is my 5th ICLW and I look forward to reading other's stories, finding some new blogs, and hopefully gaining a few more followers on mine. I haven't done this for since October of 2 years ago.



"It'll happen when you least expect it"
Well, I suppose that is a true statement for us...though NOT what you want to hear when TTC...trust me, I know!
We had a huge surprise this July when I found out I am pregnant with #2. I am 17 weeks right now and doing well, though I still have a hard time believing it's real sometimes. Especially after trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 5 years for a second child. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter that is the light of our lives, but wanted so badly to give her a sibling.
I say this baby is a surprise because after all of the unsuccessful fertility treatments we truly thought that it just wasn't going to happen for us and we were to a point where we had accepted that. We had sold all of the baby items and though the thought never fully left the back of my mind when I'd see 'fertile' signs, I never thought I would ever see another pregnancy test with 2 lines.

Some history
I am 33 years old and My Love is 35 years old. We have been married over 12 years.

My Love is in the military and is always in and out of training and deployments, so TTC timing was always difficult, but we did fertility treatments for over 3 years, including supplements, weightloss (kind of minimal), fertility drugs, and 6 failed IUI's.


My daughter: At about 25-26 years old we decided to TTC #1...no cycles were happening for me though, a year later, went to the Dr....tests and tests and tests later, low and behold I have PCOS. Got on Metformin and Provera...2 cycles later, BFP! 9 months later and some pretty scary complications in the end...a beautiful baby girl! Her birth story.

Anyhow...5 years ago, in August, we started TTC#2...I was already on Metformin and taking Provera to get things going...
Not happening.
Seek RE.
Clomid resistant...start injectibles...
2 years of fertility injections,
6 IUI's,
all BFN's...
Only positive pregnancy test I've ever seen resulted in that beautiful baby above.

Just because I had one, didn't lessen the want or hurt for another, though I wish I could say it does. Secondary infertility is horrible and traumatizing and hard. I do have my daughter, yes, but I want so badly to give her a sibling, to give My Love another child, to hold another baby of mine in my arms (and hopefully not miss out on the birth!). I ached for this and because I have a young daughter, we go to school, birthday parties, and playdates with mom's who have had their 2nd and 3rd children in the time we had been trying for one more. I put a smile on my face and cried on the inside.

typical PCOS ovary w/1 large follicle

It was so difficult to talk to most anyone about infertility because so few people can truly comprehend it and when you're going through it, there isn't much else that you can think about. It's emotionally draining and time consuming...and it HURTS. This is why I started this blog so long ago.  Writing my blog and following others (some through successful pregnancies, and others that haven't hit that lotto yet) is what got me through the last many years.

My plan is NOT to turn this blog into a pregnancy blog, but I will occasionally post about the pregnancy. Not because I'm trying to hurt anyone going through fertility, but because we did end up with another chance...another miracle. 

Needless to say...someone is pretty excited!!

16 weeks pregnant...still seems weird to say...

I honestly never thought I'd be saying that I was pregnant again. I know that I am still having a hard time accepting and enjoying this pregnancy because of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy...but scared. I'm excited...but unsure. I have to admit that the Doppler Fetal Monitor that a friend is lending me is very, very helpful to become more excited about this whole thing. Hearing the baby move and kick and hearing the heartbeat is pretty cool.

See: 

I didn't move the wand while making this video.

I'm in my second trimester now and man, I couldn't be happier that the nausea has gone away almost completely!!!!!!! Oh morning, afternoon, and evening sickness SUCK! I was sick the WHOLE time with my daughter, so I'll take this blessing of not being sick right now. I'm also already showing. I never showed with my daughter until I was much further along.

I don't really have many baby things yet, but am working on figuring out what I will need. I know some things have changed and that some new research has come out about certain products so I am doing some research and taking suggestions. I'm not really worried about it because I know things will fall into place and I'll end up with the essentials for the baby.

It's not going to be the easiest pregnancy and birth to go through. Mostly because My Love will deploy while I am pregnant and will miss the birth and several months of the baby's life. Fortunately through technology, he will still get to see the baby and us. Also, we're lucky that we have many friends in the area and family that will visit to help things go smoothly.

Anyhow, I have been putting this post off long enough, it's time to post it!

Surprise! We're expanding the family a bit further...

In July we spent a week in the mountains of West Virginia riding our four-wheelers through the Hatfield-McCoy trails and had a blast!! While I was there, I had a dream that someone handed me a pregnancy test and I took it and it was positive...Ha!! Now, wouldn't THAT be funny??? 3 years of fertility treatments and we had stopped trying anything about a year and a half ago, just before when My Love deployed.

So, we get home, and I just can't shake the dream, or the feeling that something was different. I went to Dollar General and had to secretly ask for a test (because Lil One was in there and I didn't want her realizing what was happening). I went home and did the test that day...INSTANTLY, this is what I saw:

I was in shock...complete and absolute shock...I told My Love to come see and he was in shock as well...neither of us expected that!
We went to the Dr later that week and confirmed via bloodtest...I'm PREGNANT!
Didn't have any idea how far along I really was because of the PCOS and irregular cycles, so we did a couple of quantitative HCG count tests and an Ultrasound later on. Apparently I'm about 10 weeks now (I thought I'd be closer to 12, at least).

So, without further ado...let me introduce our NEWEST addition..."gummy bear"

We are excited though cautious. This was obviously not planned, but definitely a blessing!

I guess we just had to "stop trying" and "relax" and "get rid of all of our baby stuff" and "give it time" and blah, blah, blah...I've never believed in all of that, but I do believe in miracles...heck, I have one already!!

Oh, and our last "new addition" of Sable, our "puppy"...she is a HUGE dog! She's smart and goofy and so incredibly lovey! She loves to play fetch and wrestle!
Here is a photo of her (Sable, (the dark one) 6 months) with our 10.5 year old (silver) Weimaraner, Bailey.

Trying not to be boring...

Website

I don't have much to say...I've been bored, but trying to not be BORING for my daughter. We hit up the library yesterday. I have decided to try the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I keep reading people's review of this series and it seems addictive, so I decided to give it a shot.

We also went to the movie yesterday, saw Winnie the Pooh. It was really cute! I thought I would find it boring, but it actually made me giggle a few times and I enjoyed it. That, and the fact that it only cost me $5 total for entrance, drinks, and a popcorn for my daughter and I...perfect.

I am trying to be a bit more experimental with my cooking...I have hit a lull lately and am getting tired of the same ol', same ol'.

I am 6 DPO. Two weeks wait is boring and LONG. I have been temping, but never know quite what to think of it at this point.

I have been trying to call and hang out with my friends a bit more and become a better friend myself. I love my friends and miss just chillin with them. It's not so easy when you have kids sometimes, but I'm figuring it out.

I think I am finally at peace with the fact that V may be an only child...so does this mean I should keep trying medically for #2? If this cycle doesn't work, do I ask for the Ovarian Drilling and if it happens from there, then so be it? Do I do it without the drilling? I'm really not sure what I want to do. My Love is happy with V, but wouldn't mind another...he's at the same point in his thoughts as I am...I have to start praying more on this for some answers.

Anyway, here are some photos of my beautiful V and our family of three!!

Significant dates...

You know, I hate doing this to myself, and I wouldn't have, but my Fertility Friend site (the one where I record my daily Basal Body Temperatures for Fertility) is having a temporary free upgrade and pointed this out to me...

If we conceived this cycle, it will have been on August 25th (my birthday) and the due date will My Love's birthday in May...

So, here's to a hopeful birthday baby.

ICLW!

Well hello there fellow bloggers! 
This is my 3rd ICLW and I look forward to reading other's stories, finding some new blogs, and hopefully gaining a few more followers on mine.


Brief history (stolen partly from the last ICLW)

I am 30 years old (31 in 4 days!!) and My Love is 33 years old. We were married 10 years ago.

My Love is in the military and is always in and out of training...only adding to the stress of TTC, but it is a good life and I am proud of him.


My daughter: At about 25-26 years old we decided to TTC #1...no cycles were happening for me though, a year later, went to the Dr....tests and tests and tests later, low and behold I have PCOS. Got on Metformin and Provera...2 cycles later, BFP! 9 months later...a beautiful baby girl! Her birth story.

Anyhow...3 years ago, in August, we started TTC#2...I was already on Metformin and taking Provera to get things going...
Not happening.
Seek RE.
Clomid resistant...start injectibles...
1.5 years of fertility injections,
5 IUI's,
all BFN's...
3 years TTC#2 this month.

typical PCOS ovary w/1 large follicle

CURRENTLY: I am 10 days into this cycle with Femara and  injections...2 vials of Menopur daily...went in Friday for an U/S and had 3 at 10mm and 2 at 12mm, but my E levels were REALLY low (33)...so they are likely cysts.

 I love my miracle daughter and stay-at-home with her right now. I go to school online full-time and I help organize a large playgroup in our area. I love taking photos and I like to talk (a lot) which is part of the reason I started a blog...so I could stop talking my fertile friends ears off...they don't want to hear this stuff and I know & understand that.

 
I am going to ask and answer a few very random questions for my bloggies:
 

1. How tall are you?

I am 6'3" tall. No, really, I am. 

2. What is the sexiest thing about your partner while you are TTC?

I love that he is so supportive and helpful around the house, especially when he sees I am bummed out from failed cycles or bad news.

3. Do you play an instrument?

I did in high school. I played the French Horn, but do not play anything anymore. 

4. Do you play sports? 

I bowled, golfed, swam in swim team, and played some volleyball in high school, but could never run. I SUCKED (still do) at running.

5. What is your favorite body part?

I would have to say my legs. I have very long legs and I think they look nicely shaped. 

Check Please!

Tomorrow I go in for my first follicle check for this cycle. I have never been on this medicine before and I am hoping it is doing its job. I pray for a few good follicles and NO CYSTS! Please, God, Please no cysts!



Victoria is not a morning person...but she will have to be tomorrow...I have a 6am Dr. appt that she will be coming with me for. We'll see how it goes.




I am so tired of doing this game. I am so tired of this roller coaster. It's been almost 3 years. I want to see the extra line on a pregnancy test. I want to post ultrasound pictures of a baby, instead of ovaries full of cysts. I want to announce my weekly pregnancy update to the world. I want to hold my new baby. I want to complain about my new baby not sleeping through the night. I want to boast when he/she does. I want to share milestones with the world. I want to STOP reading everyone else's updates and happiness with jealousy in my heart. I want to be joyous in their celebrations. I want to be me again. I miss me.

Bust an Infertility Myth for National Infertility Week - Secondary Infertility

Myth: If you already have one child, you know you are fertile and will have no problems conceiving again.


RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility posed a challenge for national infertility week to bust Infertility Myths. 
Infertility comes in many forms. A diagnosis of infertility comes after a couple has been "trying" to get pregnant for 1 year without success for women under 35 years old and for 6 months for women over 35. Infertility can be caused by a multitude of reasons, from both the male and/or the female's side.
Secondary infertility means that a couple already has one or more children and is now having difficulty conceiving again.  

Well, let's bust a myth! This is kind of a compilation of a few previous blog posts of mine:

I hate the word "infertile"...It makes me feel incomplete, inept, imperfect, inadequate, and wanting. This struggle of infertility is emotional beyond belief. It's a cycle that goes with the female cycle...starting with despair but quickly moving to hope, remaining hopeful through the injections and ultrasounds, then onto the waiting, the unsureness, the bouncing between scared and praying and hopeful and dreaming and excited, then, the despair starts again...this is a monthly process that I have been enduring for almost 3 years now.

So, I had one baby already, right? The next one should be easy. Heck, getting pregnant the second time should be a breeze...well, then why is it that after years and years of trying am I still not pregnant? I just recently found a bunch of information about "secondary infertility" and had never even heard of the term before. I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for #2 for almost 3 years, seeing fertility specialists, taking Clomid, injectibles (multiple kinds), doing IUI's, timed intercourse, temping, taking Metformin, trying Soy Isoflavones, Vitamin B complex, and losing 40lbs, and we're still not pregnant. Haven't even seen a positive pregnancy test since I got pregnant with my little girl.

I didn't realize how common secondary infertility actually was. Over 30% of infertility patients are dealing with troubles getting pregnant after already having one child...and because we already have one child, the emotional rollercoaster that people who are TTC go through is often downplayed because we already have one child. I hear things all the time like "Be happy with your one baby" or "at least you have one" or "there's no need for fertility treatments because you have a child"....

I know how hard it is to get pregnant and couldn't imagine NOT having my daughter, but having my daughter here while TTC is HARD! Not only do I have to go to all of the fertility appointments and put needles in my tummy and go to doctors appointments often and deal with ALL of the emotions that surround TTC, but I also have to take care of my daughter while doing so. On top of that, my daughter is ALWAYS asking me for a baby sister or brother. She talks about what she wants to name him/her, about having twins, about how she will play with him or her and he or she will eat from mommy's boobies...

Also, not only do I feel the feelings of being a failure (because I did it once, but can't again), feeling guilty, angry, depressed, blaming myself, but I also feel extra guilt for not being able to add a sibling for my child. Then, my very well meaning friends, family, and strangers, are constantly asking (well, not so much anymore, because I've told everyone we're having problems TTC) "when are you going to have another child?" "when are you going to give her a sibling to play with?" "why did you decide to only have one?" and we still get the "just relax, it will happen" and the "as SOON as we stopped trying we got pregnant, you should stop trying" and the "temping/ovulation predictor kits/IUI's worked for us"...

We always wanted several children and we both come from large families. It's hard not to become overly protective or attached to the one child we do have for fear of never having another. There has to be some kind of balance with raising her to be independent.

Well, I am grateful for my child, I love her soooo much and I couldn't imagine my life without her...AND, I want another baby soooo bad! I have watched so many people get pregnant and have their 2nd and even 3rd children since we have had our first. Because I already have one child, we have lots of friends with children her age...this means that MOST of them have siblings, many of them have had babies since knowing them, and we get to watch all of that with a big, fat smile on our face, trying to be happy for them, while trying not to fall apart inside.

I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only person here TTC#2 with difficulty and just like many of you, I HATE that our TTC emotional roller coaster is taken for granted because we already have one baby. It does NOT make this journey any easier.

Ok, I have said my piece. For all who are TTC, Sticky Baby Dust to you and for those who are TTC#2, Sticky Baby Dust and peace in your heart to you. Let us enjoy the one (or more) that we have, and remember that we are not the only ones experiencing this emotional struggle. My wish for you is peace in this journey.


For more information on Infertility or to possibly help someone you know that is struggling with infertility, please see the websites below:
Infertility 101: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/ 
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

UPDATE!!! My daughter shouldn't have to see me like this...

It's not often I post twice in one day but...since my last post, it has been very emotional for me. A bit of TMI for some readers, but my cycle started, which means I call my fertility doctors to schedule the next round of drugs and monitoring and all of that.

This is great news! Until...I called. My fertility Dr. and his staff are on vacation and nobody will be seen until May 2nd. Really? I mean...REALLY!?!?!?!?!?! As soon as they told me I could not start this cycle I just broke down...I couldn't even finish talking to the girl on the phone.

I timed this cycle perfectly (with the help of the birth control pills) so that when My Love came home my body was ready for his goods and we could get pregnant...and now I'm being told...nope, too bad...NO!

This sucks! 

What makes it worse is he leaves again in a month for MORE training...I don't know...I'm starting to think it's just not supposed to happen for us and it's killing me. I am having trouble stopping the tears from flowing and hiding them from my daughter right now.

She shouldn't have to see me this way. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some people get pregnant so easily...even when they don't want to?

I am honestly debating on using the thousands of dollars of fertility drugs I have on my own and just hoping I ovulate on my own with whatever I end up with...I'm sure that would be stupid, but I'm not willing to give up this cycle yet.

I'm just pissed and hurt and frustrated and want to scream...

UPDATE!! SHE CALLED! I am to start my injections this Thursday and go in for my first Ultrasound for monitoring next Wednesday. Whew!

thoughts flow...and some pictures

So...I don't always know exactly what to write about when I sit down in front of my blog, but the thoughts will just start flowing...right?

I stopped taking the birth control pills and am hoping that they did their job, which was to suppress any cysts I had in my ovaries and let my system reset so that we can start another cycle when My Love comes home. Victoria will be 4 in just a few months and we were hoping to have our children about 2 years apart, but as a fellow blogger pointed out, "I just wish the child-spacing choice was mine to make, and not forced upon me" (Back for Seconds). I couldn't agree more and wish that I had more control over this whole situation, rather than relying on faith & medicine.

Several of my friend have had babies recently and  seeing some of the comments they make just make me want to say something in retaliation...and it's not like it's anything bad, it's not anything that they shouldn't say...Like, if someone says that they're baby isn't sleeping through the night, or is starting to crawl/walk, or I see ANOTHER weekly pregnancy update, I just want to say something like..."At least you have another baby" or "My 'baby' has been sleeping through the night for years...eats and walks good too (most of the time)! So there!" or "Right now I hate you. I watched you struggle (or watched you 'accidentally') to get pregnant, watched your whole pregnancy progress, and now your baby is a frickin toddler (and some of you are pregnant again). Fuck you." Truthfully, I am happy for you, just completely and utterly jealous because I want my day to say these things again too.

OK...on to some positive stuff...

Victoria and I have been having a TON of fun with our friends lately and taking tons and TONS of photos and I can't wait to share some of them on here (I just have to do some picking out and editing first!). Here...here is a sample: 

I love this little girl! :)

So, what is your expiration date?

Someone I love very much asked me today "What is your expiration date?" 
I was confused, said "what do you mean?"
She said..."well, how long are you going to keep trying before you decide you're truly done? Will it be when Victoria is 6, 10? Do you have an age you want to be done by if you don't get pregnant soon?"


Now, stop right there. I know some of you reading are going to get all offended and upset about this, but I was not offended. She really was curious and she really did  mean well.

Ok, so...it made me think...what is my expiration date? Do I have one? The answer to the second question is definitely yes. The answer to the first question...I have no clue. How long do I want to do this? I know that I am relatively young (30) but I also know that at age 35 fertility decreases dramatically even more. I hate the emotional roller coaster that this entails, but I want to believe it will all turn out to be worth it. So, I DO know when I want to be done...now. I wanted to be done by now. I wanted to be done having children by age 30. Well, obviously that has passed...so, now, now would work for me...I want to be holding my newborn baby in 9, 10, 11, 12 months...that would be awesome!

Ok, on a TOTALLY different note...here are some random thoughts.

Someone needs to tell Lambchop (our 3 week old lamb) that my fingers are NOT udders! Milk has never come out of them, and it never will. Eat your damn hay/oats/creep!

Victoria complained she was having "bad dreams" (mind you, this was BEFORE she even went to sleep...can we say avoiding bedtime?) so taking a line from a movie I saw once, I told her to repeat 3 times "I will not dream of fluffy bunnies" ... as I walked out of her room, she was saying this over and over! SO CUTE and I love her sooo much!

Trying for a second child...

(I wrote this for my bloggy and BabyCenter (BBC) friends who are also Trying To Conceive (TTC) so there may be some terms that are unfamiliar to some people...I will try to cover them here: Intra Uterine Insemination = IUI, Big Fat Positive = BFP, Dear Daughter = DD) 

So, I had one baby already, right? The next one should be easy. Heck, getting pregnant the second time should be a breeze...well, then why is it that after years and years of trying am I still not pregnant? I just recently found a bunch of information about "secondary infertility" and had never even heard of the term before. I have been TTC for #2 for almost 3 years, seeing fertility specialists, taking Clomid, injectibles (multiple kinds), doing IUI's, timed intercourse, temping, taking Metformin, trying Soy Isoflavones, Vitamin B complex, and losing 40lbs, and we're still not pregnant. Haven't even seen a BFP since I got pregnant with DD.

I didn't realize how common secondary infertility actually was. Over 30% of infertility patients are dealing with troubles getting pregnant after already having one child...and because we already have one child, the emotional rollercoaster that people who are TTC go through is often downplayed because we already have one child. I hear things all the time like "Be happy with your one baby" or "at least you have one" or "there's no need for fertility treatments because you have a child"....

I know how hard it is to get pregnant and couldn't imagine NOT having my daughter, but having my daughter here while TTC is HARD! Not only do I have to go to all of the fertility appointments and put needles in my tummy and go to doctors appointments often and deal with ALL of the emotions that surround TTC, but I also have to take care of my daughter while doing so. On top of that, my daughter is ALWAYS asking me for a baby sister or brother. She talks about what she wants to name him/her, about having twins, about how she will play with him or her and he or she will eat from mommy's boobies...Also, not only do I feel the feelings of being a failure (because I did it once, but can't again), feeling guilty, angry, depressed, blaming myself, but I also feel extra guilt for not being able to add a sibling for my child.Then, my very well meaning friends, family, and strangers, are constantly asking (well, not so much anymore, because I've told everyone we're having problems TTC) "when are you going to have another child?" "when are you going to give her a sibling to play with?" "why did you decide to only have one?" and we still get the "just relax, it will happen" and the "as SOON as we stopped trying we got pregnant, you should stop trying" and the "temping/OPK's/IUI's worked for us"...


We always wanted several children and we both come from large families. It's hard not to become overly protective or attached to the one child we do have for fear of never having another. There has to be some kind of balance with raising her to be independent.

Well, I am grateful for my child, I love her soooo much and I couldn't imagine my life without her...AND, I want another baby soooo bad! I have watched so many people get pregnant and have their 2nd and even 3rd children since we have had our first.Because I already have one child, we have lots of friends with children her age...this means that MOST of them have siblings, many of them have had babies since knowing them, and we get to watch all of that with a big, fat smile on our face, trying to be happy for them, while trying not to fall apart inside.


Now, please, don't take this as whining...today, I feel ok, not good, but ok, with our situation...I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only person here TTC#2 with difficulty and just like many of you, I HATE that our TTC emotional roller coaster is taken for granted because we already have one baby. It does NOT make this journey any easier.

Ok, I have said my piece. For all who are TTC, Sticky Baby Dust to you and for those who are TTC#2, Sticky Baby Dust and peace in your heart to you. Let us enjoy the one (or more) that we have, and remember that we are not the only ones experiencing this emotional struggle. My wish for you is peace in this journey.

Hello and Welcome LFCA'ers!!