3 and 2

This morning I had my first ultrasound monitoring for this cycle. I believe the results were 3 follicles at 10mm and 2 at 12mm. The blood results will show the Estradiol levels and we shall see how it goes.

We are having a Luau today for our mom's and kids' group. I am pretty excited and pray that the weather holds up. It should be a pretty awesome time! I made a coconut cake and will be making Hawaiian rice pilaf to share.

My birthday is less than a week away and I feel pretty much indifferent to it. I just hope that it ends up as a good, fun day, no matter what happens.

Changes - Gotta Keep Your Head UP!

It's time to make some changes. I have a few ideas of things I need to & want to work on...
First, and foremost, is I need to take better care of myself. This includes working out and eating better. I am hoping with both of these I will start feeling better about myself, emotionally and physically.


I started Femara pills on Sunday morning and started 2 vials of Menopur yesterday. I go in Friday morning for an ultrasound. I don't know exactly what we'll see, but I am trying to just keep an open and non-stressed mind.

I want to take a break from fertility treatments, but I don't know when...My Love is military and is here sometimes and gone at others, sometimes for LONG periods of time and sometimes without much warning. That being said, we do have some swimmers frozen, so is it better to take a break while he is here and do the treatments while he is gone, or vice versa? In the meantime, I am continuing treatments...

I have decided I have a new theme song at the moment. Please enjoy!!

You Gotta Keep Your Head Up!!

 

I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can get deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine
Oh, you'll turn out fine
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh

I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin these rocks
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine

 

CHORUS

 

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again and
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around again
I said only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
It's a circle, circling around again
It comes around

So, right now I am keeping my head up and watching for my rainbow.

There is something wrong with me

There is something wrong with me...

There is no longer anything I can think about that I am passionate about for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am passionate about my husband and my daughter, but there’s nothing anymore that I feel like I care about. I need to start focusing on me, besides my fertility. It seems to me that I have been focusing on the fertility part of my life for so long that it has completely consumed my life. I don’t know how NOT to think about it…I guess I HAVE to find other things to focus on. I used to be passionate about my job, but I don’t work anymore. I used to be passionate about investing, but no longer have excess income. Well, maybe I should get a job and gain the excess income so that I can gain some passion back. Why does that scare the living hell out of me though? I am scared to get a job. Scared I will hate it and be stuck doing something I don’t want to be. Scared I will try to do some kind of a commission’s only sales job that I will end up paying to work. I only worked for a few months after I had my daughter and it was at a job like that, where I went out and did sales in people’s homes and it was horrible. After I got my check, and deducted my gas money, food money, and daycare money, I was paying to “work” and I don’t want to do that again.

I also need to start finding some better hobbies than surfing the stupid Internet and Facebook (the life sucker). I so rarely look at anything that makes me feel better about myself. I spend WAYYYY too much time reading about other people’s depressing lives or their wonderful new pregnancy news (and then I feel depressed about myself again). I need to start reading more and exercising more. I need to motivate myself to get back into working out and STOP giving myself every excuse in the book as to WHY I’m not getting off of my lazy, fat, ass and doing something about it. I did just finish a book and it was pretty awesome. I’m open to some reading suggestions. I don’t care what kind of book it is, as long as it entertaining enough to make me not want to put it down.

I need to go to church again. I really do enjoy it and don’t know why I don’t go…I have no good excuses. I need that relationship with God to become stronger than it is. I need to put my worries and stress on Him because I know he will take care of it and of me. I need to get back into church.

I am depressed. I am not depressed in a sense that I am sitting around crying…not at all. In fact, that’s partially what scares me, it's just more of a growing, looming feeling of no longer being me. My cycle started today and I didn’t even care. I knew it, it was no surprise. This marks 3 years of trying for #2…36 months…that’s a LONG damned time…and I don’t even care. Is that weird? I just am not sure about anything right now.  

Not sure which step I take next. Not sure what direction to go in….

Do I finally call it quits for fertility stuff?

Should I get a job? Doing what?

Should I put V in daycare or full-time preschool?

Should I….I dunno….I just, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

2 more weeks - UPDATE

In just 2 weeks I will be turning 31. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but it has to be good because I'm still alive for it, right? It's just bad because that is one more year of a ticking clock gone unanswered. I am coming more and more to terms with the fact that my child may always be an only child. This is not what I wanted for her, at all, but it's not up to me. In the end, it is His decision to make and I will have no choice but to accept it.

So, here comes some TMI moments for some of my readers, I'm sure...
I am cycle day 29. Aunt Flow has not reared her ugly head yet, but my temperatures are dropping, so I fully expect she will be here soon. I am in a waiting game. Of course I have tested and of course it has been negative, or I would not be posting something this pathetic sounding. I LIED. SHE IS HERE NOW.

This being said, I don't even know for sure if the Femara did anything for me. I assume I ovulated because my temps did go up quite a bit. Next cycle Nurse D. wants me to do Femara and 2 vials of Menopur which sounds like a LOT, but who knows...at least I will be monitored again, which makes me feel better...at least then I will know what the heck my body is doing!

Oh, and the scale...is EVIL right now. It's my fault, because I haven't been working out, or watching what I have been eating ANNNND it's that time of the month.

Ok, nuff said...will write something later.
Have a fantastic weekend!!!!

Photo collages

Here are some photo collages of our vacation:

Cool cousins!!!

Fishies!!

 

Beautiful and Handsome Cousins!!

Jumps!!!

I hate TTC!

Temperature dropped. Not sure what is next. Tired of feeling this way. Grumpy and can't be because I have to be the "happy" one and I have a ton of kids here who need me. And my daughter is being mean to me this morning...not really on purpose, but she won't give me a hug this morning and is being whiny and it's making me so angry...so, I am going to go get another cup of coffee before I get mad. Stupid TTC!

Vacation & Beezus

V and I went on a mini vacation down to visit family down in Florida and we had a fantastic time! We swam and went on the boat and out to dinner and climbed a lighthouse and saw lots of her cousins and Aunts and Uncles and even Grandma and Grandpa! It was a great time! I have about 1400 photos to go through to pick some fantastical ones out to share and will do that later. It was so wonderful seeing how much my nieces and nephews have been growing up to become young ladies and little gentlemen! I even ventured to bring back 3 of my nieces to join us for a little over a week. They are 12, 11, and 9 years old and they are such good girls. Fruitaholics would be a great description of them also! Man, I am going to have to do some serious fruit shopping for these girls.

We got back yesterday, so there are now 4 little girls running around my house. Today I even babysat 2 extra little girls and we all went and saw Ramona & Beezus at the theater. That was an adorable movie and is it sad to say that I cried through parts of it?? I cried, not because of sad moments, but because I am so afraid that V will not have the sibling relationships that those two girls have, or that my nieces have, or the girls I’m watching, or even that I had with my siblings…I wish I didn’t have these worries or thoughts, but I do and I hate it.

On a lighter note, right now I have 6 little girls here, 4 of whom are dressing up like princesses and ballerinas (the other two are on the computer)! They are all playing so well together and making up story lines and just having a grand-ol’ time!

Ok, I should get back to my guests. I will post photos soon! Well, as soon as I get a few minutes to go through them!!