Saturday, August 13, 2011

There is something wrong with me


There is something wrong with me...

There is no longer anything I can think about that I am passionate about for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am passionate about my husband and my daughter, but there’s nothing anymore that I feel like I care about. I need to start focusing on me, besides my fertility. It seems to me that I have been focusing on the fertility part of my life for so long that it has completely consumed my life. I don’t know how NOT to think about it…I guess I HAVE to find other things to focus on. I used to be passionate about my job, but I don’t work anymore. I used to be passionate about investing, but no longer have excess income. Well, maybe I should get a job and gain the excess income so that I can gain some passion back. Why does that scare the living hell out of me though? I am scared to get a job. Scared I will hate it and be stuck doing something I don’t want to be. Scared I will try to do some kind of a commission’s only sales job that I will end up paying to work. I only worked for a few months after I had my daughter and it was at a job like that, where I went out and did sales in people’s homes and it was horrible. After I got my check, and deducted my gas money, food money, and daycare money, I was paying to “work” and I don’t want to do that again.

I also need to start finding some better hobbies than surfing the stupid Internet and Facebook (the life sucker). I so rarely look at anything that makes me feel better about myself. I spend WAYYYY too much time reading about other people’s depressing lives or their wonderful new pregnancy news (and then I feel depressed about myself again). I need to start reading more and exercising more. I need to motivate myself to get back into working out and STOP giving myself every excuse in the book as to WHY I’m not getting off of my lazy, fat, ass and doing something about it. I did just finish a book and it was pretty awesome. I’m open to some reading suggestions. I don’t care what kind of book it is, as long as it entertaining enough to make me not want to put it down.

I need to go to church again. I really do enjoy it and don’t know why I don’t go…I have no good excuses. I need that relationship with God to become stronger than it is. I need to put my worries and stress on Him because I know he will take care of it and of me. I need to get back into church.

I am depressed. I am not depressed in a sense that I am sitting around crying…not at all. In fact, that’s partially what scares me, it's just more of a growing, looming feeling of no longer being me. My cycle started today and I didn’t even care. I knew it, it was no surprise. This marks 3 years of trying for #2…36 months…that’s a LONG damned time…and I don’t even care. Is that weird? I just am not sure about anything right now.  

Not sure which step I take next. Not sure what direction to go in….

Do I finally call it quits for fertility stuff?

Should I get a job? Doing what?

Should I put V in daycare or full-time preschool?

Should I….I dunno….I just, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.





3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time with all of this and damn AF. I wish she would just stay away for both of us! I definitely understand how TTC can be all-consuming. I feel like I'm letting my infertility define me as a person and I don't like it. As far as a job goes, I guess you have to think about what you're interested in and what you would enjoy doing. I know military towns aren't the best place to search out ideal employment opportunities but there has to be something out there. I have plenty of book suggestions for you though! If you enjoy sarcastic and witty authors, I would definitely recommend everything by Jen Lancaster. She writes the type of books that you just can't put down. I also finished up The Hunger Games trilogy not too long ago. Wonderful series! Hope things start getting better soon. If you need someone to talk to, shoot me an email!

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  3. ugh...I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. And I can totally relate.

    As far as jobs go, I was going to quit mine and then I reconsidered. Firstly, we couldn't afford fertility treatments without my job and secondly, perhaps more importantly, it is a huge distraction.

    If left to myself, I would think about fertility/pregnancy for 23 out of 24 hours every day. I get so obsessive. Being at work means having to think about other things and interact with other people whose lives do not revolve around fertility. It's always somewhat relieving.

    Anyway, I guess it depends on whether you need the money or not. If money is not an issue, there are lots of possibilities in the working/volunteering world.

    Also, church has been a rock for me. I don't know what denomination you are, but, for me, that one hour a week is the time I'm always most at peace about the future and the present.

    I'm hoping that your mood lifts within the next few days.

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