Saturday, March 26, 2011

Trying for a second child...

(I wrote this for my bloggy and BabyCenter (BBC) friends who are also Trying To Conceive (TTC) so there may be some terms that are unfamiliar to some people...I will try to cover them here: Intra Uterine Insemination = IUI, Big Fat Positive = BFP, Dear Daughter = DD) 

So, I had one baby already, right? The next one should be easy. Heck, getting pregnant the second time should be a breeze...well, then why is it that after years and years of trying am I still not pregnant? I just recently found a bunch of information about "secondary infertility" and had never even heard of the term before. I have been TTC for #2 for almost 3 years, seeing fertility specialists, taking Clomid, injectibles (multiple kinds), doing IUI's, timed intercourse, temping, taking Metformin, trying Soy Isoflavones, Vitamin B complex, and losing 40lbs, and we're still not pregnant. Haven't even seen a BFP since I got pregnant with DD.

I didn't realize how common secondary infertility actually was. Over 30% of infertility patients are dealing with troubles getting pregnant after already having one child...and because we already have one child, the emotional rollercoaster that people who are TTC go through is often downplayed because we already have one child. I hear things all the time like "Be happy with your one baby" or "at least you have one" or "there's no need for fertility treatments because you have a child"....

I know how hard it is to get pregnant and couldn't imagine NOT having my daughter, but having my daughter here while TTC is HARD! Not only do I have to go to all of the fertility appointments and put needles in my tummy and go to doctors appointments often and deal with ALL of the emotions that surround TTC, but I also have to take care of my daughter while doing so. On top of that, my daughter is ALWAYS asking me for a baby sister or brother. She talks about what she wants to name him/her, about having twins, about how she will play with him or her and he or she will eat from mommy's boobies...Also, not only do I feel the feelings of being a failure (because I did it once, but can't again), feeling guilty, angry, depressed, blaming myself, but I also feel extra guilt for not being able to add a sibling for my child.Then, my very well meaning friends, family, and strangers, are constantly asking (well, not so much anymore, because I've told everyone we're having problems TTC) "when are you going to have another child?" "when are you going to give her a sibling to play with?" "why did you decide to only have one?" and we still get the "just relax, it will happen" and the "as SOON as we stopped trying we got pregnant, you should stop trying" and the "temping/OPK's/IUI's worked for us"...

We always wanted several children and we both come from large families. It's hard not to become overly protective or attached to the one child we do have for fear of never having another. There has to be some kind of balance with raising her to be independent.

Well, I am grateful for my child, I love her soooo much and I couldn't imagine my life without her...AND, I want another baby soooo bad! I have watched so many people get pregnant and have their 2nd and even 3rd children since we have had our first.Because I already have one child, we have lots of friends with children her age...this means that MOST of them have siblings, many of them have had babies since knowing them, and we get to watch all of that with a big, fat smile on our face, trying to be happy for them, while trying not to fall apart inside.

Now, please, don't take this as, I feel ok, not good, but ok, with our situation...I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only person here TTC#2 with difficulty and just like many of you, I HATE that our TTC emotional roller coaster is taken for granted because we already have one baby. It does NOT make this journey any easier.

Ok, I have said my piece. For all who are TTC, Sticky Baby Dust to you and for those who are TTC#2, Sticky Baby Dust and peace in your heart to you. Let us enjoy the one (or more) that we have, and remember that we are not the only ones experiencing this emotional struggle. My wish for you is peace in this journey.

Hello and Welcome LFCA'ers!!


  1. You make some great points about dealing with IF while already having a child. A lot of people don't understand that every infertility is the SAME but DIFFERENT. Just because the situation is different doesn't mean that you don't feel the SAME emotions as someone TTC for the first time.

  2. I totally feel your pain. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. Secondary infertility is sometimes downgraded in comparison to women with no children, but it's still so painful.

  3. Appreciate your honesty about your TTC #2 journey. I know it must be really hard and on top of difficult, CONFUSING. Like you said, you have one child already and you didn't have troubles.

    And because you were honest, I will be honest too. I've made that statement before--about "at least" they have one child already. But I have never said it to anyone's face and I can't believe that anyone would say that to you.

    Infertility is hard no matter which way you slice it. I hope that your journey to #2 ends very soon!

  4. On a funny side Babe, it's obvious you are married to a soldier. You used more acronyms than a 1LT.

  5. i've been ttc for 11 years and have suffered many losses [so many i don't like to put a number to them anymore] but infertility is still infertility. i've been lapped once, twice, thrice, four and five times over.

    this journey sucks whether you're trying for your first or your 3rd and beyond.

    no ones pain is greater or worse than anyone elses - at the end of the day we're all striving for the same thing a living breathing baby to call our own.


  6. I can COMPLETELY relate! ugh! It took us almost three years of trying with two awful miscarriages to finally conceive another child. I wouldn't want anyone else to struggle through those years not understanding how much IF sucks, but of also feeling guilty or like a failure because clearly we did it once...


  7. Coming from LFCA. Just wanted to say that I am abiding with you. I am also glad that you shared your story of Secondary is so hard to find information/stories out there about it. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Here from LFCA. I can completely relate to your struggles with secondary infertility. I got pregnant easily four times (but the last two babies both died at 5 months along) and then suddenly got hit with infertility. It just killed me every time someone would say those well-meaning but horrible things to me. Infertility is HARD and DEVASTATING no matter what the circumstances!

  9. By the way, Jeremiah (the commenter) is my husband who is awesome and supportive and everything I could have asked for. He is my best friend and I miss him. He is at training right now and was able to see this before he left. I love you Jeremiah!

  10. Here from LFCA. To say I can relate is a bit of an understatement. I have an almost 8 year old son and have been in the second infertility trenches ever since. I have heard it all, and the worst offenders are family and friends who often think they know better than you. Infertility is hard no matter how it's served up.

    Try to be kind to yourself. It's very hard and isolating, and rather unfair to be in our shoes...

  11. Thank you for commenting on my post and directing me to here even though I already follow your blog I missed this post! But I can relate to everything you just said except I have only been in for about 9 months and so for that I feel guilty for complainingg but if you ddont ovulate then you cant get pregnant. I just feel ashamed and guilty and all my dr wants to do is throw clomid at me. I also feel guilty because my pregnancy with my dd ended at 26 weeks and just feel guilty that I didnt give her that extra time. I dunno its such a mixed bag of emotions already. She already wants another baby since she always plays with her baby and LOVES playing with other kids and doesnt want to leave the park or the nursery. UGH its so heartbreaking! Thanks for writing this post!