I started my injections yesterday and it hurt so bad, but I think I injected an air bubble first or something because today didn't hurt at all. I have never tried just Menopur by itself before. Last time I was on a mix of Menopur and Gonal-F and developed many cysts instead of any maturing eggs. I am praying that my results this time are different.

So excited that my husband is coming home today! He's been gone 5 weeks and we are ready to have him home for a while! Unfortunately he's coming home to a honey-do list, but he is so handy. :)

Victoria is watching the Royal Wedding right now and just asked me who she can marry to become a real princess. Too cute. Oh, and she wants to be a flower girl.

Lambchop is doing good too. I know i haven't updated anyone on that yet. He is getting so big and is down to one bottle in the morning and two at night. He really like cracked corn and oats though getting him to eat whole-grain corn (which is supposed to be better for his tummy) has been an absolute fight. I also don't think he drinks water yet and relies on me for his fluid intake...I really hope this changes as I start to wean his feedings.

Well, I'm off to finish up some homework for my final week in my Ethics class and to do some quick cleaning.

Pictures in a purple dress...

My sweet baby and I went out and took some photos the other day and here are some of my favorite ones. Enjoy!

Bust an Infertility Myth for National Infertility Week - Secondary Infertility

Myth: If you already have one child, you know you are fertile and will have no problems conceiving again.


RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility posed a challenge for national infertility week to bust Infertility Myths. 
Infertility comes in many forms. A diagnosis of infertility comes after a couple has been "trying" to get pregnant for 1 year without success for women under 35 years old and for 6 months for women over 35. Infertility can be caused by a multitude of reasons, from both the male and/or the female's side.
Secondary infertility means that a couple already has one or more children and is now having difficulty conceiving again.  

Well, let's bust a myth! This is kind of a compilation of a few previous blog posts of mine:

I hate the word "infertile"...It makes me feel incomplete, inept, imperfect, inadequate, and wanting. This struggle of infertility is emotional beyond belief. It's a cycle that goes with the female cycle...starting with despair but quickly moving to hope, remaining hopeful through the injections and ultrasounds, then onto the waiting, the unsureness, the bouncing between scared and praying and hopeful and dreaming and excited, then, the despair starts again...this is a monthly process that I have been enduring for almost 3 years now.

So, I had one baby already, right? The next one should be easy. Heck, getting pregnant the second time should be a breeze...well, then why is it that after years and years of trying am I still not pregnant? I just recently found a bunch of information about "secondary infertility" and had never even heard of the term before. I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for #2 for almost 3 years, seeing fertility specialists, taking Clomid, injectibles (multiple kinds), doing IUI's, timed intercourse, temping, taking Metformin, trying Soy Isoflavones, Vitamin B complex, and losing 40lbs, and we're still not pregnant. Haven't even seen a positive pregnancy test since I got pregnant with my little girl.

I didn't realize how common secondary infertility actually was. Over 30% of infertility patients are dealing with troubles getting pregnant after already having one child...and because we already have one child, the emotional rollercoaster that people who are TTC go through is often downplayed because we already have one child. I hear things all the time like "Be happy with your one baby" or "at least you have one" or "there's no need for fertility treatments because you have a child"....

I know how hard it is to get pregnant and couldn't imagine NOT having my daughter, but having my daughter here while TTC is HARD! Not only do I have to go to all of the fertility appointments and put needles in my tummy and go to doctors appointments often and deal with ALL of the emotions that surround TTC, but I also have to take care of my daughter while doing so. On top of that, my daughter is ALWAYS asking me for a baby sister or brother. She talks about what she wants to name him/her, about having twins, about how she will play with him or her and he or she will eat from mommy's boobies...

Also, not only do I feel the feelings of being a failure (because I did it once, but can't again), feeling guilty, angry, depressed, blaming myself, but I also feel extra guilt for not being able to add a sibling for my child. Then, my very well meaning friends, family, and strangers, are constantly asking (well, not so much anymore, because I've told everyone we're having problems TTC) "when are you going to have another child?" "when are you going to give her a sibling to play with?" "why did you decide to only have one?" and we still get the "just relax, it will happen" and the "as SOON as we stopped trying we got pregnant, you should stop trying" and the "temping/ovulation predictor kits/IUI's worked for us"...

We always wanted several children and we both come from large families. It's hard not to become overly protective or attached to the one child we do have for fear of never having another. There has to be some kind of balance with raising her to be independent.

Well, I am grateful for my child, I love her soooo much and I couldn't imagine my life without her...AND, I want another baby soooo bad! I have watched so many people get pregnant and have their 2nd and even 3rd children since we have had our first. Because I already have one child, we have lots of friends with children her age...this means that MOST of them have siblings, many of them have had babies since knowing them, and we get to watch all of that with a big, fat smile on our face, trying to be happy for them, while trying not to fall apart inside.

I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only person here TTC#2 with difficulty and just like many of you, I HATE that our TTC emotional roller coaster is taken for granted because we already have one baby. It does NOT make this journey any easier.

Ok, I have said my piece. For all who are TTC, Sticky Baby Dust to you and for those who are TTC#2, Sticky Baby Dust and peace in your heart to you. Let us enjoy the one (or more) that we have, and remember that we are not the only ones experiencing this emotional struggle. My wish for you is peace in this journey.


For more information on Infertility or to possibly help someone you know that is struggling with infertility, please see the websites below:
Infertility 101: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/ 
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

UPDATE!!! My daughter shouldn't have to see me like this...

It's not often I post twice in one day but...since my last post, it has been very emotional for me. A bit of TMI for some readers, but my cycle started, which means I call my fertility doctors to schedule the next round of drugs and monitoring and all of that.

This is great news! Until...I called. My fertility Dr. and his staff are on vacation and nobody will be seen until May 2nd. Really? I mean...REALLY!?!?!?!?!?! As soon as they told me I could not start this cycle I just broke down...I couldn't even finish talking to the girl on the phone.

I timed this cycle perfectly (with the help of the birth control pills) so that when My Love came home my body was ready for his goods and we could get pregnant...and now I'm being told...nope, too bad...NO!

This sucks! 

What makes it worse is he leaves again in a month for MORE training...I don't know...I'm starting to think it's just not supposed to happen for us and it's killing me. I am having trouble stopping the tears from flowing and hiding them from my daughter right now.

She shouldn't have to see me this way. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some people get pregnant so easily...even when they don't want to?

I am honestly debating on using the thousands of dollars of fertility drugs I have on my own and just hoping I ovulate on my own with whatever I end up with...I'm sure that would be stupid, but I'm not willing to give up this cycle yet.

I'm just pissed and hurt and frustrated and want to scream...

UPDATE!! SHE CALLED! I am to start my injections this Thursday and go in for my first Ultrasound for monitoring next Wednesday. Whew!

thoughts flow...and some pictures

So...I don't always know exactly what to write about when I sit down in front of my blog, but the thoughts will just start flowing...right?

I stopped taking the birth control pills and am hoping that they did their job, which was to suppress any cysts I had in my ovaries and let my system reset so that we can start another cycle when My Love comes home. Victoria will be 4 in just a few months and we were hoping to have our children about 2 years apart, but as a fellow blogger pointed out, "I just wish the child-spacing choice was mine to make, and not forced upon me" (Back for Seconds). I couldn't agree more and wish that I had more control over this whole situation, rather than relying on faith & medicine.

Several of my friend have had babies recently and  seeing some of the comments they make just make me want to say something in retaliation...and it's not like it's anything bad, it's not anything that they shouldn't say...Like, if someone says that they're baby isn't sleeping through the night, or is starting to crawl/walk, or I see ANOTHER weekly pregnancy update, I just want to say something like..."At least you have another baby" or "My 'baby' has been sleeping through the night for years...eats and walks good too (most of the time)! So there!" or "Right now I hate you. I watched you struggle (or watched you 'accidentally') to get pregnant, watched your whole pregnancy progress, and now your baby is a frickin toddler (and some of you are pregnant again). Fuck you." Truthfully, I am happy for you, just completely and utterly jealous because I want my day to say these things again too.

OK...on to some positive stuff...

Victoria and I have been having a TON of fun with our friends lately and taking tons and TONS of photos and I can't wait to share some of them on here (I just have to do some picking out and editing first!). Here...here is a sample: 

I love this little girl! :)

Pom Pom Head

Well let's see...not much going on really.

My Love is still away at training and we miss him. He will not be here for Easter, but the following weekend he should be here, so we'll probably do our family Easter dinner then and maybe even our egg hunt.

Lambchop was moved outside last night to his little lean-to barn/shelter. He didn't like it at first, but apparently calmed down fairly well. He is a noisy lil guy! He ate a lot of his food last night, so that is great! Now, if we can get him down to 1 bottle a day! One thing at a time though...

Victoria is busy in her room changing clothes. Yesterday she went through no less than 7 outfits. This age is so funny...the other day we drove by a guy with cornrows and beads in his hair and she said "Mommy, he has a pom-pom on his head!" ... Too cute!!

I have to say that the more time that passes without having another child, it makes me want another one less...especially when I see how independent Victoria is getting and as I see my friends with their 2 children. Doesn't matter what the age difference between kids is...I just see stressed out parents. People with new babies at home that don't sleep, feeding troubles, diapers, pregnancy woes, dividing their time between kids, diapers, having to pack multiple kids into a car, sibling rivalry, and more...Now, I know that this is just part of my emotional roller coaster that I go through every month and sometime soon, I'll see all the positives having a new baby would be...like feeling the baby kick, holding a new born baby that you made in your arms, feeding and nurturing that baby, seeing my daughter as a big sister (I know she'll be a GREAT big sis!), seeing my Love with a new baby (he LOVES that baby stage and really, really loves sleeping with new babies on his chest), watching my baby and my daughter grow up together...as a family...knowing that when I'm gone, they won't be alone...Now, if only this emotional roller coaster would be over with me holding a new, healthy baby...

No shame on me...

Well, I started writing a kind of whiny/dark post, but decided some humor was better. Having a 3.5 year old can be so much fun, and so trying sometimes. My daughter has said some of the funniest stuff lately...

We were in the car the other day and she had screamed, right then, my gas light dinged on...I told her that she broke my car by screaming too loud and said "Shame on you"...she sat there a few minutes and then said "Mommy, there's no shame on me. When I put shame on me it will be pretty."


Another time in the car, a friend and her children were riding with me and my little one was being pretty naughty, yelling, kicking, throwing toys. I told her she needed to be a good girl, to which she replied..."But it's too hard to be good!"

Oh, and she is planning her wedding. Every store we go to, she wants these flowers for her wedding, or this dress for her wedding, or these napkins for her wedding...it's pretty cute, especially when I ask her who she is planning on getting married to: "I am going to marry my Daddy."


When we tell her that she can't marry Daddy because I am married to Daddy, she gets so upset, with sobbing tears and all.

Building memories with pink lipstick

Cheap makeup and 3 year old girls (and a 2 year old boy)=ADORABLE photos and funny moments. I had a playdate here yesterday with a few kids and a lot of makeup. I made sure to get some bright makeup that would show up easily so they wouldn't use so much, but I really underestimated how much was actually going to go on their faces (and ours). It was so cute. Here are a few photos:

Thank you to my friends for being beautiful models and to our gorgeous little makeup artists! I am so glad to be able to do these things with my daughter and have captured photos to help us remember our activities always.

Just one of those frustrating days...

It's funny because the beginning of the day was good...actually, it was good until about 5...

I decided I wanted to hang some new curtain rods in V's room (she pulled too hard on the cheapies and broke them)...so anyhow, got the tools out, drilled the holes...one side was in a stud, the other was just drywall...well, then it started....totally stripped the screws on the stud side and didn't even get them all the way into the wall...said "f it" and moved on to the other side...well, that side I got in, but couldn't get the stupid anchor thingies in the wall so gave up and just screwed it in the drywall...The FIRST time my daughter pulled on the curtain it almost pulled the stupid thing off the wall...

oh, and the WHOLE time I was doing this, my V was complaining to me about how it's "not fair" that she has to clean up her room (including her closet which she pulled ALL of the clothes off the rod)...

after I got PO'd at that whole deal, but before I blew up at her, I went into the living room and checked my computer to see that a friend that was "done" having babies just had another baby...good for her...still jealous. And see more people complaining about their pregnancies....REALLY? I mean...I get it...I've been there...I just don't, don't, DON'T want to hear/see it! 

THEN, Lambchop was being all sorts of noisy and obnoxious and headbutting V, and my dog was whiny and wanting in and out and in and out....so, V was letting the dog in, and the lamb snuck in and she started to put the lamb back out and I went to help and between them, they managed to help rip my baby toenail off even more! (I caught it the other day and ripped it part way off...needless to say...this FLIPPING hurts!!)....

I so badly wanted to flip out on someone or run away but, the only people I could flip out on were my child, my lamb, or my dog...

So...that was my night. Hope everyone else's is better.

I've got P on the brain

I've got several P's on the brain at least....
Pills
Playgroups
Power of God
Procrastination
Playing and
Photoshop...

Well, who would've thought that I would have to go back on Birth Control Pills while trying to get pregnant?

Yes, for those of you who are lost, you heard me right...birth control pills. The reason I am on them is because the last cycle of fertility drugs helped my ovaries to develop a bunch of cysts (fluid filled sacs without eggs in them). The birth control pills will help shut my system down so that my body can absorb these cysts and allow me a fresh start with the next cycle, which HOPEFULLY will be after just this one pack. If I continue on the medications it will only feed the cysts and make them larger rather than help eggs develop.

Other than that...been busy with my playgroup. We have had a few playdates recently and have more coming up quickly, including a group Easter Extravaganza.

We went to church this past Sunday. That was nice. It was my first time going to church in over 3 years.  I have been feeling compelled to go for sometime now...the power of God is amazing, huh? I just hope that his plan for me is somewhat how I envisioned my plan for me...

Finished one class for school (Economics) and am now working on the next one (Ethics). They're not really hard, just time consuming and I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator. Procrastination is opportunity's assassin.  ~Victor Kiam

Playing with my daughter and our friends has kept me busy, but when I'm not doing that I have been playing in Photoshop and with my camera.

Here are some more of my latest Photoshop adventures:

Well, not much left to say at the moment...I think I might try to go to bed at a decent time tonight...

Infertility A to Z's

Ericka's Infertile A to Z's, courtesy of Lisa at the Pursuit of Pregnancy

A. Age when you started TTC: The first time I started at about 25 and was pregnant by 26 and had her a month before I turned 27. The 2nd time we started trying was around my 28th birthday...I will be 31 in a few months. :(

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Baby dancing is a cute term but maybe too cute to use with my husband. Baby Dancing (BD) is great for the blogging world, but we prefer sex, often...even after 12 years together. :)

C. Children wanted: Well, I have always wanted 3 or 4. Both of us come from big families and would like to have a bigger family ourselves. Honestly though, right now, I'd be happy with 2. I so badly want to give Victoria a sibling.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: we have an 8 year old Weimaraner, Bailey, and a one month old lamb, Lambchop.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Well, every day for the past 4+ years I have taken pre-natal vitamins. I also now take a Vitamin B complex which is supposed to help build the uterine lining (but also gives me energy, so definitely an added benefit).

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Medicines to increase egg production: Clomid, Follistim, Gonal-F, Menopur, Soy Isoflavones.  
Medicines to help me ovulate: HCG triggers   
Other medicines to increase fertility: Metformin (helps regulate sugar levels and in-turn, hormone levels on PCOS sufferers) and currently am on birth control pills to help reset my system from developing too many cysts during my last cycle of fertility medicines...who would've thought birth control pills counted as a fertility drug?

G. Gain: What have I gained from infertility? Stress and Knowledge. I know more about the female reproductive cycle than I ever wanted to know. I know about luteal phases, temping, timing, all sorts of acronyms like (TTC, IUI, IVF, ER, FRER, US, RE, BCP, and more!). I have also gained the support of an invisible world of bloggers and message boards. I love my TTC buddies because they truly are a keyboard to cry on when there is no one else around or you have cried on every other shoulder available.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Been there, done that! (basically, a live Xray of your fallopian tubes as they are filled with a radioactive dye to see if there are obstructions in them) Wasn't too bad...crampy, but clear tubes, so that was great news!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Watching everyone else around me get pregnant "without trying"... hearing them complain about their pregnancy symptoms when so many people would give an arm to have those complaints. Being told "well, you already have one, maybe you should stop" and crap like that.

J. Job title: Mommy & college student. Maybe have to get a paying job some day soon....

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I won't say them here...I can say that Victoria's name, if she was a boy, would have been Gabriel Bruce.

L. Length of time TTC: almost 3 years.

M. Miscarriages: none, thank GOD!

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Hmmm...OB's I'm not sure...but have only had one RE.

O. Ovarian quality: full of cysts....

P. POAS or wait for AF: (for my non-trying friends, POAS is "peeing on a stick" and AF is "aunt flow")...I wait most now...I used to POAS but was really tired of seeing the BFN's (big fat no's)

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Just RELAX, it will happen if it's meant to happen"

S. Sperm: Got lots of those!! Woohoo!...now if my eggs would just get in the game!

T. Time you tried naturally: Total? Including the first time?? over 2 years. The 2nd time alone though, we only waited a year before seeking help

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as I know...has been sliced open due to the C-Section, but should be fine.

V. Vagina: Uh.....fine....

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: We got rid of almost everything. Tired of toting it around, hoping and praying. The only things we still have are a crib and a highchair and a few small things like crib sheets or blankets. Everything else is gone. (oh, and just so everyone knows...we got rid of most of this over 6 months ago and still aren't pregnant, so no, getting rid of it won't make me pregnant like I have been told multiple times)

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Pretty much everyone knows because having one child instantly makes people ask "When are you going to give her a sibling" and stuff like that. Trust me, it's not for a lack of trying. :) I try not to let it consume my life and my conversations, but sometimes it is hard not to.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes. Even though they see it, they're not checking for the same stuff as a PAP does.

Z. Zits: OMG! I hate them! I wish my skin would make up it's mind...really, zits or wrinkles....not both! Stupid hormones!

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs? Maybe we can start the blog equivalent of a chain letter. (With out the fear of a year of bad luck if we don’t pass it along.)

Photoshop fun...

So, I have been playing around in Photoshop for a little bit this morning and wanted to post some of my little projects. :) There are several of my friend's children in here. My friends and I do have the most beautiful children, if I do say so myself!

I love this photo. It reminds me of an old post card or something.

After his pink frosted cupcake, he had the best frosting mouth. :)

Smallest little princess!

A beauty in red!

Lambchop hanging out. :)

After some gardening

This is my buddy! He was climbing trees and having a blast. :)

My fellow ginger eating a blue marshmellow. I love this kid.

This is the original picture...edits to follow

Love the way this softens the picture

and brings more high and lowlights out

and another neat effect on the picture

Who says being 30 is better? Better than what??

I read comments from people all the time, scared to turn 30 and it NEVER fails, SOMEONE replies with "30 is better, you'll see!" or something along those lines...Why don't I feel this way? I sometimes feel like I'm failing at life...I have no career, I lost everything we have already worked for, I can't get pregnant, my body hurts...I just don't feel better about myself now than I did at 29...at 29, 28, etc, I felt like there was more hope for my life...I had all these goals I wanted to reach by the time I hit 30...

On the other hand I do have my wonderful husband of 10 years this year, who is supportive, caring, and loves me and our family so much. He is my best friend and I couldn't imagine NOT having spent the last 12 years with him. While he may not be a romantic in many senses, he does always have fresh flowers for me when he's home and he always tells me he loves me. He is strong, he is a protector, he loves adrenaline rushes, he is smart, and handy and wonderful. Being 30 with him is a good thing and am interested to see where our lives go in the next 10 years.

I also have my beautiful daughter. She is smart, talks too much (gee, wonder where she gets that from?), creative, spontaneous, and silly. She is the little girl that finds the prettiest dress she owns, puts in on and goes out to the yard to make mud pies. She pretends to be shy, but really wants to be the center of attention. She is bossy, likes to argue with me, and teases the animals too much. She is a trooper and if she gets hurt, she usually brushes it right off and keeps on going. She would make a GREAT big sister and asks for a baby brother or sister all the time. I love her so much and can't wait to learn more about her as she grows up.

I am going to college, working towards my Bachelor's Degree in an online University. I am afraid that I am missing important lessons for my future career by choosing to get a degree online rather than an on-site campus, but this is what works for us at this time.

There are other goals I am working on and while I may not have reached them by age 30...I will reach the ones I have control over. What is not in my control is in God's and for those goals I will pray and do what I can to help. I think that yes, 30 is better than 20, but somewhere in the middle was great too and since I can't turn back the clock, I can only do my best with what I am given at this time.

Where arrrrreeee you?

I have been absent a few days for no real reason....I have been watching TV too late into the evenings, getting up late in the day, running errands, playing with Victoria, Lambchop, and Bailey, and that's about it....I haven't been cooking much because it is hard to cook for just Victoria and I. I have been doing homework, hanging out with friends, going to a few playdates and planning several playdates. I also have been doing research online for a few things.
I have to say I am quite excited about the playdates coming up! We are doing a couple of "Prince & Princesses Tea Parties", a "Make-Mommy-Over Playdate" (where the kids will put make-up on us, and themselves...might need to cover my white chairs for that one!), a ride-on toys playdate at a park, an Easter egg hunt and picnic, and I have a couple of others I am thinking about doing. The tea parties are always cute because the kiddos all dress up and get to serve "tea" to each other and eat yummy foods and such.
I really don't have much more to say tonight...a lot going on in my head right now, but I'm tired and not willing to share it all with...well...anyone yet.

I lie to my daughter...

I lie to my daughter...

I am so screwed when my daughter learns to read.

Everytime we drive by a McDonald's she wants to stop there (even if we JUST ate) and I tell her that the sign says they're closed or they're out of chicken nuggets or toys or whatever...


When putting her to bed, I tell her I'll be back in 10 minutes (almost every night)...it's just to get her to go to sleep, I don't go back in until after she's asleep to check on her and get one last look at her before I go to sleep.

When she wants cartoons on the TV I tell her there are none or the TV is broken.
When she wants a specific one that I hate (Yo Gabba Gabba, Imagination Movers, etc), I tell her it's not on.

Of course there are the Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy lies also.

Yes, mommy lies to you baby. I'm sorry, but it's for my sanity and my purse.

I will not lie to you about so much in life though. I will not lie about how much I love you or Daddy loves you or the rest of your family loves you. I will not lie to you about how blessed we are to have you as one of our miracles from God. I will not lie to you about how much your Daddy and I love each other. I other. I will not lie to you about the important things in life. Ever.